just no my usual happy bloke

[notsohappyanymore]

Hi all, its been a long time build up i suspect, never would I have thought that one day it would all seem like it is piling up on me. So, i am a 36yo husband and dad with two kids, one boy 5, one bubba girl just turned 1. I work in a professional role in the transport industry, i dont work massive hours, i wouldnt say my job is stressful, it has its days, but nowhere what it used to be in my younger years in my career. I have been married since 2010 and with my wife since 2005-2006. Mum died of a terminal illness in April this year which shattered by dads and our familys life and ive certainly had better days. I am a big fan of camping and 4x4s, and long to spend money on my ute, but never get around to being able to budget for even the little things. Last night driving home from grabbing takeway in readiness to watch the state of origin, i suddenly broke down, and it was from one simple thought. It seems like nothing can make me happy anymore. BOOM, it cut through me harder than when Mum died. Even though my boy rode his bike without training wheels over the weekend and had his first big stack, my daughter crawling, saying Dadda, or my wife mentioning we should do a beach trip. Ive had drams with my wife over the years, i snap more frequently, i have a low tolerance level to naughty behaviour by my son, i feel like debts are overcoming me, i feel i drift around most days without concentrating 100% of the time. It just feels like there is just a need to wake up, live and go to sleep, with little details or excitement. I get severe back and neck pains for no reason now and then, i lack motivation because i am driven by money or the lack thereof to actually do nice things. I dont want to overload my dad as he is dealing with his own emotions and counselling after mum died, and my wife has her own anxiety matters she is dealing with, it just seems there is no reason but other than to basically exist. I have lost interest in my work, i am constantly on seek looking for jobs and i struggle to stay on point what i need to get done . But some days i can really motivate. I seem to be addicted to social media wanting what others have that i dont, i watch hours of you tube before bed, i am envious of the life that was before family life, which really guts me to say and think that. Do i sound like a prime candidate for help?? It makes me laugh to think i am the one who is normally the strong and optimistic type, but it just feels i am stuck in reverse gear. #lifesux

[PamelaR]

Hello notsohappanymore and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

I agree, life sux at times. So pleased you've found your way to our community of caring, friendly, supportive and non judgemental people.

You've been through quite a lot of change over the past 12 months or more. You've had your second child and your mum has passed away. People sometimes underestimate the impact the death of a loved one can have on them. The grieving processes has been known to take as long as 2 years. April is not that long ago and I it sounds like you're now just starting to feel the weight of it.

I think sometime's men feel like they have to be the strong and optimistic type - have to carry the rest of the family. But really, men do feel just as much as women. Some families bring their sons up to not show their emotions or feelings. So it can be difficult for men to express what's happening to them.

You're right about having someone to talk to. It's unfortunate your dad's not available. Though, you know, having a good heart to heart might just be something that is useful for both of you?? Also, even though your wife has her own things to manage, you do matter too!! I have a partner who I share everything with, even when he's not well. He'd want me too.

There are support services out there to talk to about your mum's passing, and anything else you're wanting to discuss about your motivation levels, e.g.

• Lifeline 13 11 14
• Beyond Blue Support Service 1300 224 636

From what you've been saying, if it were me, I'd be going to the doctor - making a double appointment to discuss the possibilities of going on a mental health plan and seeing a health professional, e.g. psychologist. In fact, that's what I have done when I've been as down as you. And while I waited for my appointment, I came on to Beyond Blue forums. It's been the best thing for me.

If you're at all interested, have a look at people's stories under anxiety, depression and staying well. Also BB have a checklist for anxiety and depression that you can do to see how you rate (though - probably don't just use this as guide, going to the drs is a really good idea). Only if you want to - no pressure. It can be found by doing a search for - anxiety and depression checklist (K10 test).

You're not alone notsohappyanymore. Keep reaching out to us.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[notsohappyanymore]

Thanks PamelaR, its not so much Dad isnt available, we talk every other night, i was his leaning post right throughout Mums illness and we were there right at the very end with her, and afterwards ive been the listener, now i just dont want to burden him with things only since he still has a long way to travel with the grief process.

Ill do some reading like you said and ill see if i can find a GP i can really trust, i had one a while ago who just didnt seem to hit the mark unfortunately.

thank you for replying 🙂

[PamelaR]

Hello notsohappyanymore

Thank you for sharing more of your story with us. Yes, it can be so difficult supporting family members through the grieving process. You sound such a lovely person. Your mum and dad were so lucky to have you there for them.

It's your turn now to get some support for you. Hope you find something useful in what you read to help you.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Obsessed]

Well had a similar experience as you, the hardest thing I was to reach out for help.In fact it was my wife that organized the GP appointment and as mentioned it was an hour visit. The pain for me was great I just did not want to go there. After a great argument with my wife I did go and after the visit I got the 10 subsidized visits. This was a great help for me to start to recover.

I would strongly suggest to go to the GP to get the 10 visits to help you build strategies and ultimatly help you with your relationship with your wife.

Cheers