New here and needing advice (QLD)

[Rod_T]

Hi,

I am a mid 30's male, married (for 8 years) with 2 young kids with special needs and live in Queensland.

I haven't been getting many hours at work lately and it's taking it's toll financially on my wife and I (more so her because she works long hours - she works for the Police). I try to do what I can at home upkeeping the place and making sure kids are good.

My wife and I are happy for the most part but I have always felt unsatisfied with our intimacy/sex life. She feels pressure any time I raise it and it makes her even more distant. On average we have sex once every 2 sometimes 3 months. I always initiate it as well, she always seems to be too tired or feels not confident enough "I am too fat".

I don't know whether to just stick with it to make sure the kids are happy and just kind of deal with not having any intimacy and play happy families for the kids or to just leave, although I can't leave because I don't have a dollar to my name and my wife won't cope with her job and the kids special needs.

Thanks for reading.

Rod

[smallwolf]

Hi rodtoombs,

Welcome to beyond blue.

You have already that your wife is tired and probably (or partially) a result of working long and stressful hours in the Police. And you both have young kids with special needs as well. But the conversation(s) you have mentioned I am familiar with. So I can understand your frustration in the matter as well. (I could also relate conversations I have had with my psychiatrist, but leave that til another time.)

And there is a way forward and it starts with communication and understanding on both sides and then a slow as steady approach to what is comfortable for both of you. So what can you do...

Better to have this conversation in a neutral place where you cannot be interrupted and is private. I assume you also have the conversation in terms of "I" vs "You" which unintentionally could be interpreted as blame. And if you can identify what the issue then working on some sort of solution as a couple. Other possibilities could involve having a chat with a GP or couple counselling?

Also take your time, and be patient with yourself and wife. If you feel the need for couple counselling to find the answer that is OK. Just as people (like myself) see a psychologist for a mental illness, it is OK for you both to receive professional help.

From your post, it seems like this is the main issue you have with your wife, as you said that you were both happy otherwise?You could always try planning a date as well? (Hint: get a baby sitter for the kids? Would that be possible?) I hope you get something form this reply, and you can both work out a way forward.

Tim

[Rod_T]

Hi Tim,

Thanks for your reply, I am hoping that I can pick up more hours and get back on our feet financially which will certainly help things and may make everything else a little easier as we work on our marriage.

I get so tempted looking at other women and wondering what it would be like to be in their arms, being given the affection that I crave. I would never stray on my wife but I do hope things will get better.

If I had to start from scratch I wouldn't know where to begin or where to go!

[Croix]

Dear Rod.T~

Time has given some good advice, it is after all a two-person problem and would take both of you having a pretty fair degree of trust to open up and discuss things frankly - I would think a councilor's presence would be a help.

I don't now if your partner is an officer, or a civilian, in either case seeing so much of the undesirable side of life does take it's toll. It can be very hard to be intimate when dealing with violence, dishonesty, injury, death and risk. Add to that financial worries and special needs kids and it would be very hard just to keep on going.

I was a policeman and was eventually invalided out with all the normal things, PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression. Intimacy was one of the very first things to suffer as things started to get worse. May I ask if your partner has been to see her GP and talked over how she is feeling? If I'd done that early enough I'd not have become as ill as I did.

When home life is not good, and you to suffer many of the same pressures, financial, the children and all the rest, plus maybe feeling guilty that you should be contributing more (a natural but mistaken belief) then fantasies about other women and lives are natural. I suspect they are just that though -fantasies.

Let us know what you think

Croix