New here and feeling stuck!

[liannajayde]

Hi

I feel like I need somewhere to just let out how I feel, where like minded people will understand. I've been suffering from both depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, some days worse then others. I can't find a reason why I would feel the way I do. It can be very hard for for my loved ones who don't suffer from depression or anxiety to comprehend. I've seen psychologists and I've been put on a low dose anti-depressant. I found the talking helped in some ways, and at first the tablets worked, now they just make me feel emotionally numb.

My husband and I moved back closer to home recently to our friends and family to see if that helps. Although now I just feel alone, even though my family invites me to outings I feel like I'm just in the corner. It's not their fault its just how I feel. I also feel like I can't have a normal conversation anymore with my siblings, as I don't know what to talk about anymore. I feel like I'm pushing myself away from my own family. I'm also very slow at responding to messages from them or even remembering birthdays which has caused some issues.

I have anxiety about all kinds of things. If I see people talking to themselves I instantly think they are talking about me, I find I can't browse in stores by myself as I worry about being awkward. I also completed a course in Children's Services years ago hoping to get a job in childcare, then my anxiety kicked in and I started worrying about caring for other parent's children and whether I would do a good enough job. So that didn't work in the end.

I'm currently studying graphic design at uni online and I'm finding keeping up with the work demand hard. I have the time, but I find some days I'm just sitting there for hours not getting anything done. I also just feel mentally numb, not feeling anything. I lack motivation to do things I enjoy. I often sit at home doing nothing then depression hits at the end of hit because I feel down for not doing anything. Its a vicious cycle.. I just feel stuck at the moment. If I'm on my tablets, I feel numb, no depression, but also I don't feel happy.. I don't feel anything. I just feel blank. If I go off them, I find It's the opposite. I have extreme highs and lows. Nothing really between.

I enjoy horse riding but the effort of leaving the house to see my horses is often too much. I find myself regretting things I didn't do in the day bring on a bout of depression. Just wanting a balance in my life.

Regards, Lianna

[kanga_brumby]

Welcome Lianna to beyond blue forums. Well what can I say your singing the song a lot of us in here are singing. I am one of them. Your story is similar to mine hard to talk to family. Turning up to family turns, left in a corner hardy anyone talking to me. Them not understanding depression, lack of motivation to either start or finish a job that needs doing. Feeling numb most of the time, or just down. Needing a shot of happiness. I haven't found that yet, still looking I think doctors might be working on that though. Hope they find it soon. We are a supporting bunch in here. So if you need some one to bend an ear we are here for you.

Kanga

[geoff]

hello Lianna, I'd like to welcome you the forum, it's always great that people do this to get support and understanding, because that's what we are going through ourselves, while some have been able to control our emotions, it doesn't mean that we could have a relapse at any time.
What I do hope is that you can keep your comment going, because any support and/or advise you are offered can't be done in one post, it's a process that may take time, knowing this myself, because it did take some time, but along the way you get to learn something new in every reply.
Could you have your medication reviewed by your doctor, tell them exactly how you are feeling, what maybe happening for the good, if anything, and certainly what it's not doing, because being on a low dosage may not be doing what it's meant to be doing, and by saying that, don't feel that if you take a higher dosage you will feel worse off, that's not a good assumption.
AD's work on people in different ways, one may work for one person, but not for someone else, and that won't be known until you start taking it. Geoff.