new day new member

[99problems]

Hi, l probably should have joined a forum like this many many years ago and the reason for me doing it now is because lm at a very low point in my life and my brain can't give me an answer on what to do. A little about myself. Im an almost middle aged guy who was a bullied little fat kid in school who had "those" thoughts constantly pre teen. As l grew up l became the bullier after l hit 6' tall (not a proud moment in my life" butthis gave me confidence and ended up doing quite well at school until l left and started a trade at 17. Ive always been quite a shy guy and quiet but in my older years this has made me talk more than l should and a lot of the time l say stuff l shouldnt. Of recent years this has become an issue in my employment as l always end up saying something l shouldnt and gets me sacked. I dont know why l do it and lm finding lm not very good dealing with people anymore "well so l am told by others". So this, combined with a poor mantal state due to my history and current risk of loosing my house and car and finding out l cant have kids with my wife due to a medical condition she has as well as a lot of other things going on in my head l feel l have hit an almost alltime low. The tears as l write this along with the banging headache and palpitations from stress seem to be a trigger for me to put my hand up and say "yes", l need help and l dont know what to do. Ive been speaking to my GP about my mental state with all the recent job losses, in fact l saw him today for scripts and spoke about it and l was feeling fine. It wasnt until later when l went to the shops to look for something for the wife for christmas that it really started to hit home. She blew up at me for buying her something when l dont have a job. She has a good job but l have always been the big money earner that paid all the bills. Now lm not working lm getting 3 reports a day of what we had in the bank. She never used to be like this but i think my unreliability as the breadwinner has caused her to become this way. Every time she mentions it, it is a reminder that l have failed yet again and with the kids issue,has been really stressing our relationship. I know its not her fault and l dont blame her but l always wanted a family and now lm getting too old to try anything else. I feel like l have failed at every life goal l have had and now lm here writing a breif story on a computer screen in the hope someone will wave a magic wand and take the pain away.

[lookingforsomelight]

Hi

I have just joined this minute myself.

I have read your post and i just want you to know although i am in a completely different situation my heart feels what your saying.

As i write this tears roll down my cheeks also. It is so hard this life we live but im hoping joining beyond blue and maybe with some encouragement and support we will get back on top of life somehow.

As sad as i am and you obviously are we must stay strong because i will not let the last couple of years define my life. I have worked too damn hard anf been a really good caring kind person.

You said you were the bread winner so you have obviously worked hard yourself.

Please hang in there as i am trying to lets give this forum a go.

We may get the help and encouragement we need to see a better life again.

 Please hsng in there and take care.

Remember YOUR WORTH IT!

sincerely

Lookingforsomelight

[Durras]

Hi 99Problems and Lookingforsomelight,

I have been on this forum for a week and everyone here is really lovely and caring and supportive, I wish I found it years ago so please hang in here and keep posting it does help. Read through all the information on the website there is so much help there too.

99problems, I can kinda understand where your coming from thou I was never the bread winner but before I met my now husband and being a solo mum I was working and strongly enjoyed budgeting for us and taking care of mine and daughters needs and everyday matters.

Last year I lost my job well I was forced to resign and have struggled with finding work since and now I feel like I have lost all that matters to me and I can't contribute to this new life I have. Thou married I am struggling with the expression of whats mine is yours as my husband keeps telling me and I am truly thankful for it but I feel I can't ask for $ to even get my hair done or for prescriptions.

I feel so guilty and terrible and worthless for him and for my girl as I can't bring any money in to support us and help us. Were currently living with his family while trying to save to buy a house, went to the bank yesterday about a loan and I feel now worse cause of not being working and helping with paying a house off, helping with paying bills, grocery shopping etc.  I also feel his family is looking at me as a useless women too.

I think lookingforsomelight is right with what was said about we are all good caring people and we all deserve happiness. We need to take everything one day at a time and set ourselves little goals for each day to make some positive steps and little successes when we achieve them. We need to be gentle on ourselves and break our problems down into tiny ones that won't overwhelm it so much. I know this is easier said then done but the more we build them up the more harder we become on ourselves.

99Problems, I am so sorry you are going through this and I don't know if I have given helpful advice here for you, just remember one thing YOUR NOT ALONE thou everyones reasons for being here are different yet we are all here for the same reason support, understanding, encouragement and to know we are not alone with our struggles.

Big Hugs to you and lookingforsomelight, welcome both of you to BB forum and please hang in here.

Durras X