New boyfriend has disappeared without explanation

[2Lollipops]

Hi guys,

I started seeing a guy in Jan. We are both in our 40’s and have lots of history. He was honest with me immediately about his depression. It is severe and he has been hospitalized in the past.

We got very serious very quickly. He was so attentive and all our feelings were intense and reciprocated. It was the perfect relationship.....but only for a short time.

During this time a few “red flags” were apparent. On occasion I would say something that I felt was harmless. He would have a sudden, unexpected and intense reaction that would shock and frighten me. I now realize that he believed I was insulting him. To be clear, I was not. On these occasions it took him considerable time to calm down but he never explained himself or apologized. Even he was left confused by these events.

One night when this happened again, we never recovered and he immediately withdrew from me.

This was at the same time as a large work issue came up. He completely pulled away from me and talked only about work. He had become cold and uncaring overnight.

I did my best to be understanding. I instinctively knew not to press him about us but it hurt a lot to not have a proper explanation.

this continued for about a month with strained And limited conversations via text and seeing him a handful of times.

I offered my support without pushing and without asking for anything in return.

We have barely spoken in three weeks. I sent him an email yesterday. It was long and in it, I tried to communicate that I care and understand. I told him why I’ve stopped talking to him (not helpful to his or my mental health) and I tried to explain that I have meant no malice in the things I’ve said. Although I told him I didn’t expect a reply, he has not responded in any way.

He has given me nothing. No explanations. It appears this is because he really couldn’t care less. I understand this is a hallmark of depression but should I be expecting at least a little more? I have been trying to hold this relationship together on my own. I have put my ♡ on the line to tell him I care when he cannot or will not do the same. I’m really feeling like a fool here.

I go from been mad at him to been mad at myself for not keeping the focus on his needs.

I have no idea if he will ever “see” me again. In my email I said if he is willing we can reset when he feels better.

I’m hoping to hear from people with depression about what they have done in similar situations.

[Nimi]

Hi 2Lollipops and welcome!

It sounds to me like you have really put your heart out there and done your very best given the situation. Going back and forth between being mad at him and then mad at yourself sounds very difficult and painful. Definitely do not blame yourself for having your limits and your own boundaries. Sometimes, try as we might to open up to other people they are simply not ready to open up to us (and vice versa too of course). Do not take this as a sign that you have done things wrong, you genuinely did the best you could and it sounds to me like you are absolutely exhausted.

In my experience having depression, sometimes I would lapse into periods of time where I could not expend any energy for anything other than myself - without even realising it. I lacked self-awareness of what problems this could cause to those around me, and I felt quite awful afterwards for not having had the strength to support others. This created a really vicious cycle where I would blame myself for not being able to do things, then become scared of doing things, then blame myself again and so on so forth... I don't know if this is sounding like it could be the case and I don't want to make assumptions either, but just speaking from experience this is what it felt like for me in the very dark stages of depression.

Do not feel ashamed or guilty for taking care of yourself. You deserve love, respect and understanding too. I don't think that it is cold or cruel to take a step back when you are feeling uncomfortable or hurt. I think that shows awareness. You must have compassion for yourself. ❤️

Nimi, sending you great strength.

[2Lollipops]

Thank you Nimi so your reply.

I feel like in the past he’s just Kept moving. So if depression has become a part of any of his past relationships, he seems to move on. Perhaps because he thinks it’s easier that way. He remains unaccountable perhaps?
is this your experience? Is it easier to. Wipe the slate clean or have you ever tried to reconcile an affected relationship?

[Nimi]

Hi 2Lollipops, hope you are doing ok!

In my experience, I have tried my best to be honest when I am having a hard time (it took me a few years to learn how to speak up about it and start dealing with it though) because I know that it can be difficult being in the opposite position too. (I have been many times myself, really hard when you feel you don't have the answers.) Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things and no two circumstances are the same though, so I honestly could not say if it's anything similar to that for him. Perhaps he is just not ready yet to face the things that are troubling him? It can be very scary to admit fault when you are already feeling overwhelmed.

I think that sometimes we have to accept we can't totally understand another person's actions, sadly even if they leave us in a vulnerable and hurt position, but this is also why I think it is of the utmost importance to look after yourself right now and make sure that you are okay!

Sending best wishes,
Nimi

[2Lollipops]

I have an update. Last week he messaged out of the blue. He told me the email i’d sent had an affect on him. He said it was obvious that I cared. Funny thing is, I’d tried to show that for a month. I guess he was feeling better and the fog had lifted a little.
so we talked again and even met up for a walk. Things were much the same as before and I was cautiously happy. We did talk about what happened but i still got no apology and I believe he still thinks I am to blame.
We had made plans to catch up properly over the weekend but last night we were messaging when he suddenly left the conversation. No explanation although if I analyze the conversation there was maybe something he might of misconstrued. Anyway later he messaged that no one gets a second second chance and that he’s blocked me from all avenues. I didn’t respond.

i haven’t done anything wrong and know it’s his mental health. What should I do? How do I get through to him that I’m not the enemy, but his greatest ally. Or should I leave it. I really don’t deserve this treatment.

[Emmen]

Hello 2Lollipops,

I understand the difficulty you face, in being torn between concern and feeling you don't deserve this. No one deserves to be treading on eggshells around another person. It's not sustainable for you, and you cannot let your own mental health slide because of this.

With mental health problems, we often talk about the person with the problem, but not of the people who are trying to assume this caregiving role. But the fact is, each individual is unique. You may be good at caring for one person with depression, but it does not mean you'll be a good fit for someone else with depression since his/her depression manifests another way. In your specific case, it seems that his behaviour is affecting your mental health, especially since you cannot tell when he feels insulted and are constantly walking on eggshells trying to second guess him. The way I see it, you have tried your best. Now he has made the decision to block you because of a reason that is unknown to you. You should let this go, because pursuing this would only mean that you're putting yourself in a vulnerable position with regards to your own mental health. I would hate to think of you being in a relationship where you can only be "cautiously happy" rather than actually happy.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with putting yourself first. I was in a similar situation once with a platonic friend. I felt immense guilt at leaving him despite the fact that his behaviour was affecting my mental wellbeing. A counsellor's advice then was to remind me that I was in no way responsible for him. I was, however, responsible for myself. That advice helped me then, and I hope it helps you now.

Wishing you well,
Emmen

[nrg]

Hi its his mental illness you're not to blame had something similar happen to me i witnessed someones mental illness ocd and i was blamed for seeing it, after that i got a horrible text so i just left it and glad I'm away from that person, no doubt you were helping him and would of been good for him but he will never see that and anything you say will be mis interpreted.