My partner has an ice addiction

[Headintheclouds]

Hi,

I am unsure where my post belongs, however, my partner has an ice addiction.

We have been together a year and a half and a month ago I learned that he is using ice. His explanation was that he was an addict 8 years ago and now only uses casually. I don’t believe someone who was once an addict can use actually, but I don’t have any experience with drugs or addiction myself.

I cannot get the night I found the drugs out of my mind, I went through so many emotions. Shock, confusion, sadness, anger, numbness and now a month on I feel worse.

I have tried to continue to support him, however, it’s clear that I am devastated. I really try not to let it upset me, particularly in front of him but sometimes it bursts out of me and he doesn’t say anything at all, as if I’m not even there. He doesn’t console me, at times he has removed himself from the room I’m in and the past week he has turned on me and withdrawn completely, and ended our relationship.

I feel as though I am being punished for finding the drugs and learning his secret and now that I have, he has discarded me.

Finding the drugs and reliving that in my mind constantly was already difficult, and a few nights ago I went to see him and found him just after he had used. He had fallen asleep and when I walked in, his eyes were bloodshot red, the pipe was in front of him and he was hiding the ice behind his back. He’d been drooling. Again, I can’t get these images out of my head. I have never seen him like that before and he obviously never wanted me to see him like that. He looked ashamed and defeated, I sat with him, and it was so sad because he looked like he felt so alone. 

I am trying to put my own feelings aside, at least while with him, and concentrate on him but I worry that I am being overbearing.

My thought is, I want to remind him that he is supported, loved and cared for and my hope is, if he feels that, he might not feel the need to use. I also know he won’t use if I’m with him, so I try and be around him as much as I can. Bringing him food etc, just so I know he’s had at least 1 meal. Are my actions healthy though. It feels like I am acting in desperation, I want to do something/anything to help him. 

I don’t know what to say or what to do right now. 

I looked at photos of us tonight, and yes I had noticed a change in his appearance but looking at our photos, it’s heartbreaking. He almost looks like a different person. He’s aged, lost weight, he looks so tired and worn out. I feel quite stupid for not knowing, his friends and family all knew about his past. Some friends have suspected he was using again, I’m the only one who was in the dark about this and I’m the one who has been the closest to him. 

I want to be there for him but I also cannot feel like this longterm. 

[Danyell]

I hope you’re ok! 
I’ve had a similar experiences recently with my partner and I’ve only just come to the realisation that everything I that is happening and the choices he makes has nothing to do with me so I think that’s super important to remind yourself. 
I’ve been doing the same thing as you, going and checking in, taking food.. making sure he knows he is loved. Offering support etc 

I feel like I’m intruding sometimes too but as an adult I feel like if it was too much he would voice it? Either way you aren’t doing anything wrong, maybe start a conversation about it and ask him? If that’s an option. 
and most importantly don’t forget to take some time for yourself.. the stress from these kinds of situations can become overwhelming really quickly and you’re just as important. 

[Headintheclouds]

Hi Guest,

Thank you for responding, I hope you’re ok too.

I have started speaking with a psychologist, my second appointment is tomorrow so I am hoping that will help.

I do think he appreciates the care I show, at least sometimes. 

My experience is different than some that I have read where the persons loved one is paranoid and having episodes of psychosis. I think my partner is what you would call a functional addict, he works hard, he doesn’t seem to have “lost control” but there are drastic changes to his mood and the way he treats me sometimes as well as his psychical appearance. 

I agree, the stress that comes with this is so overwhelming. I’ve found is quite traumatic. How are you doing? 

[Danyell]

Yeah awesome that’s good to hear! I’m yet to get a psych but I’ve spoken to a few different helplines which have helped calm my nerves when I get too in my head about it all and need to speak to someone in that moment. They’ve never not been helpful tbh. I can’t remember the number off the top of my head but I if you do want them I’m more than happy to find them for you.

I get what you’re saying although my partner has lost his job. He hasn’t had psychosis or paranoia either but the disconnect and lack of empathy and loss of who I know he is when he’s high is so hard to see. It’s like he’s not there, even when I’m right in front of him there’s no way to reach him it’s sad and I miss him but there’s nothing I can do but hope he doesn’t go and get more and wait until it wears off.. 
then he comes to and I see the person I’ve been missing and it's onto the next stage of seeing him break down with shame and guilt which is also hard to witness. 

I’m ok, we’ve just spent a nice weekend together and there were no substances used I’m hopeful but we will see what happens!

It’s absolutely traumatic and scary and heartbreaking but it sounds like you’re doing all the right things! don’t forget you don’t have to stay in this if it gets to much. 

so nice to talk to someone in a similar situation! 

[blondguy]

Hey HeadInTheClouds (and a shout out to Danyell)

Thankyou for having the courage to post about an awful highly addictive drug. You are strong (very strong) supporting your partner. I understand your situation and I feel your pain and anguish. 

My niece is a Div1 Grade 3 RN..She was a beautiful girl in her late 20's until someone suggested she tried 'some ICE to make her feel less stressed'. She has been listed as a missing person years ago. The last time I saw her she looked like a skeleton. We still cant find her.

You mentioned that your partner said he was an addict 8 years ago and now only uses casually. I am sorry you had to hear that from your partner.  It breaks my heart.

The forums are a non judgmental and safe place for you, me (and everyone)  to post

any questions are always welcome

my kindest 

Paul