My mind: A half-way house

[Kirra23]

Hello to all,

Im 32 and feeling so lost with myself that i am ashamed. I have had a moderately successful life, i have two degrees, am a lawyer, i have a house, a car, friends, a family. But underneath the success is a little bubbling brook of fear, anxiety, depression and recently some thoughts of hopelessness that thankfully, have not furthered into dark thoughts. Being a successful person reaching middle age makes me feel so much guilt for being mentally ill when so many others have things far worse. I have a lot to be grateful for yet here i am.

I named this thread thus so, as i feel that i am in a half-way situation with my mental battle. I have already identified previous feelings of PTSD.  Previous issues with my mum and have seen multiple psychologists. I have worked through most of my previous issues to the point where i feel 'half-way' cured but, the skills, tools and self-awareness just seem to not be enough.

I am that person who walks into a room and hides it and feels the dread of anxiety which leaves me feeling lonely and isolated. I am single with so much love to give and can't seem to find someone who values me for me. I feel rejected, like there is something wrong with me and at times, that i may never have someone to share my love with. I am prone to overthinking social things like whether someone likes me based on my instincts. The negative thought spirals are endless. Right now i am also at a crossroad with my career. i no longer want to practice law but do not know what my next step is and how to reach that next step. I am stuck, lost, lonely, anxious and therefore, depressed about my situation.

I have reached out to friends and i can read them well...they are worried about me so i thought it best to take some steps to help myself which is why im here. i would like just one day where i feel at peace. no hum of anxiety, no depressive thoughts. just one day.

[Petal22]

Hi Kirra23,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would be difficult.

Sometimes we can have so many material things in our life but still feel lost or unfulfilled.

Mental illness doesn’t discriminate and it can affect anyone, please don’t feel ashamed it happens to a lot of people.

Have you spoken to your gp about the way you are currently feeling?

I understand anxiety can be really hard to deal with but you can learn to manage it.

Has your phycologist been able to give you helpful strategies for your anxiety?

I understand that you no longer want to practice law and that’s ok.

What are you passionate about?

Is there something that lights you up inside?

Do you ever wonder what your life purpose is?

If you can ask yourself these things in time they will present themselves.

I believe we all have a life purpose I didn’t really know what mine was until I hit my 40 s………….. I went through a mental health condition…..severe anxiety OCD this disorder crippled me while I was in its grips…… while I was in the storm I learned so much and gained so much internal growth and wisdom I came out of the storm a different person……

I learned to challenge myself while I was in the storm, I learned to change my inner world and I learned to see the world in a more positive light.

I knew after that experience that there was more to my life purpose than just showing up and living day by day I could actually make a difference in others lives just by being kind and loving and sharing my experience with others to give them hope……. Helping others with their mental health journey is my life purpose.

Its strange the hardest thing we can go through in life can put us directly onto our best path……….

You may be in the storm now but you will come out of it a totally different person…… try to challenge your inner dialogue…

I was very lucky to have amazing health professionals behind me that helped me to recover and the storm I was in grew me into the person I am today.

There is nothing wrong with you, you will find your love….. what’s meant for you won’t pass you by.

Have you ever tried meditation?

You really can find your inner calm and be at peace it really is possible.

[livi_mivi]

HeyKirra23,

I firstly would like to give you a warm welcome to the forums! Thank you for sharing your experience and for showing great courage in being vulnerable.

I just want to emphasise that there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling and that you shouldn’t feel any shame about the struggle you are going through. I know that it is easier said than done, however, you should be proud of not only all that you have achieved, but the great degree of introspection and emotional intelligence that you possess. Everybody has their own struggles and even if you feel that others might have it worse, it doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid or that your struggles are unimportant.

I can completely relate to your “half-way” cured description. From my own experience, I found it highly valuable to reassess my current treatment plan and look at the potential differential diagnoses/treatments that might fit me. Not every treatment/resource will suit every individual and sometimes, even the ones we have found to be helpful in the past might become unhelpful. We are constantly changing and evolving and that sometimes mean that a change in approach or environment is necessary! Have you voiced these feelings to your GP or a psychologist if you are still seeing one?

Mental health is one of those battles that can feel incredibly debilitating and isolating because it can be so silent. I’m sure it can be very exhausting having to keep a front when you are struggling with anxiety and doubt in social situations. If you feel that this is significantly impacting your ability to connect with others then it might be worthwhile flagging this with your GP?

As for your career change, do you feel that it might be beneficial to take a step away from practicing to take a break? Sometimes, when need to remove ourselves from a situation, even if its momentary, to really allow ourselves to discover new things/passions, work on ourself or simply to reignite your passion for your career again. If this isn’t feasible, are there any interests or hobbies that you have outside of work that you can explore a bit further? Are there any areas or short courses that you have had an interest in before but never pursued?

Whilst it might take some time and some change to reach this point, I just want to let you know that things can get better. I really hope that you can find that inner peace soon enough and wish you luck in your journey.