My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

[Ali75]

I just am so stressed and frustrated and sad. My daughter is flat out refusing school most days. We have tablets for her to start taking but she is scared about taking them. Im really worried about her.  And don't really knoe what to do anymore.  She has seen a psych but doesn't talk. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ali75, 

Thank you for sharing this here. We hope you find some comfort in the kindness and understanding of our lovely community members. We’re sure we’ll hear more from them.  

It sounds like you are a really caring and supportive parent, and it sounds like you’ve taken some incredibly important steps. It’s so important, that while caring for your child, you are aware of your own emotional wellbeing. Please remember to reach out any time you feel you are struggling, to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach our counsellors via webchat, here.  

Your child is, of course, always welcome to contact us too, or there’s our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14. We can hear it might be hard to encourage them to do so, but we are here all the same. The Black Dog institute also has some support groups you could look at by selecting your state from the options, here, if that seems like a suggestion she might be more open to.  

Please continue to share here, whenever you feel comfortable. You never know how your story might help others who can relate to what you’re going through.   

Kind regards, 
Sophie M 

[jaz28]

Hi Ali75,

I am sorry you have been going through this, it must be really hard for your daughter and yourself. Is there a counsellor at the school she could see? You mentioned she will not talk during psych visits, which is common in young people, but did you see a child/adolescent psychologist (someone specialised in this behaviour)? It might be worth seeking other avenues, however, a psychologist cannot force her to talk, and that's on her, unfortunately. Have you also considered headspace, an organisation for young people specifically? I would contact your local centre and see what they recommend, it might be beneficial for her to talk with some young people that are her age.

I hope this helps and I hope things get better soon,

Jaz xx

[Summer Rose]

Hi Ali75

I have been in the same situation as you with my daughter. I know it’s hard and scary right now, but I want you to know that it can get better. Hang in there.

I understand your frustration; I felt the same. But it won’t help. You have to try to be calm and reassuring in the morning, reminding yourself that she is not giving you a hard time-she is having a hard time. I say that with no judgment, it is an incredibly frustrating experience for you both. 

I suspect your daughter would also prefer to live her life and go to school as usual (unless it is the school environment itself that is the issue). She may also be scared and not understanding what’s happening to her.
The key message I used here was that, while anyone can fall ill at any time, people also get better. Normalise help seeking for mental health conditions and share your own experiences, if you have any.
Please know that there are range of strategies available that will help your girl get back to school and thrive (mine did) but it really depends on what mental health condition she is experiencing. When you have a diagnosis, you and school will be able to work together to support her.

I know it’s frustrating that she’s not talking to the psych but it’s still a win that you are able to get her to attend. I encourage you to persevere. Your daughter may be feeling embarrassed, nervous or scared but a good psych may find a way to connect.

You are doing a great job in a challenging situation. Please feel free to post any time and ask any questions that you may have. I am here for you.

Kind thoughts to you

[Mark Z.]

Hi Ali75,

I can tell that you're so worried and you really want to take good care of your daughter. Yes it's super frustrating.

Although it looks like she doesn't want to communicate, I guess she's feeling lonely deep down, hoping someone can understand her. Do you want to share what happened to her from the beginning?

If your daughter has a few close friends, maybe you can ask their support, let the young girl talk. It's always good if someone can get her to open up.

In life, try not to put pressure on her, do some warm little things to impress her, let her know you love her and support her no matter what. You can also introduce this forum to her so that she can post anonymously, express her feelings or ask for help. You may also all beyond blue hotline to get some professional help.

It's worth to try different ways. Hope everything will become better.

Mark

[tmas]

Hi there, 

For most of high school I was just like your daughter. Im now 21 and thankfully a lot better. 

Do you know why she is avoiding school? Is it a social problem? Does she have panic attacks? There are many reasons why this could be the case - for me I had extreme OCD that went under the radar, even when I had begun treatment. It took almost a year of psych sessions/CBT for my family to finally accept it wasn't social/academic, but it was health anxiety. I didn't go to school because I was having panic attacks daily and felt unsafe there - I didn't understand what they were, I got zero sympathy from peers/teachers, and my anxiety spiralled out of control. I'm not saying this is the case for your daughter, but clearly anxiety is so high in the school environment that she feels (on an instinctual level) like there is some threat which must be avoided. This anxiety is also what delayed my trying meds - meds are a long journey, they have several side affects, but she must decide whether the benefits outweigh the POTENTIAL of side affects occurring. Usually obvious side affects are minimal and ease off within a few weeks, but maybe she's avoiding specific side affects (or feeling mentally stuck and afraid of change).

As for speaking with the psychologist, are you sitting in on sessions? How do you know she doesn't talk (have you observed this, is the therapist telling you this, or is she telling you this)? Therapy sessions should be fully confidential, unless she is at risk of harm/harming others. I found it nearly impossible to speak when my mother was there as I felt a lot of shame - I was so anxious about speaking, and her trying to fill the void with her own interpretations of what was happening with me made it harder to open up. I found CBT very invalidating, and exposure therapy was hugely triggering and caused major setbacks. Make sure this is a therapist that she likes and is comfortable speaking with, maybe there is something she needs to open up about privately before she can start to really participate.

Try to be kind with her, her words don't have to implicate your own moral character (if she wants to open up that is, don't pressure her but it is important she has a safe space somewhere). It might be good for to look around here, though some forums might be a little intense if she is vulnerable right now. Best of luck to both of you 🙂 

[Ali75]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I did have a look at the black dog institute and the Bite Back program looks good. I will get her working on that. At least she should be able to do 1 a week. She is a very difficult child in that she thinks she knows best and has an answer for everything in her favour. I ask her to go for a walk with me and she says, I can't be bothered. She is very shut off from me trying to help her in anyway at the moment. 

[Ali75]

Thank you, your kind words really make a difference. I am so unhopeful at the moment. I am going to get help for myself so that I am in the right mindset to help her. I really don't know how to parent her. She has always been a glass half empty kind of girl. So its' really hard to get her to have a positive mindset. She has an answer for everything. And I have always tiptoed around her, which I think I need to start being firm but kind also. Did this help you? She did see a child/adolescent psych. My sister is a psych but lives in New Zealand. She has recommended my daughter start on anti depressants before revisiting another psych. But she is to scared to take them. She is scared it will make her feel crap. So frustrating because it most likely won't from a few people I have spoken to. I know I have to keep going and try things it's just exhausting. 

[Ali75]

Hello, your words give me hope. It is so hard isn't it. I was just saying to my husband, it consumes me from the minute I wake up until I go to bed. I think about it the whole day. I am going to get some help for myself to help her. I am not in the right headspace to help her. I am so burnt out. 

I like what you said while everyone can fall ill at any time, people can get better. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. She has been diagnosed with Social anxiety at this point. I think due to all the lockdowns, she was just happy being in her own little bubble at home. Being 13 just starting year 7, she fainted on the first day of school. She thinks everyone is laughing at her and criticising her. I have hope she may get back to "normal" whatever that looks like. She is begging to be home schooled. But I don't have the capacity to do that. And I don't believe it will do her any good due to avoidance. Can you briefly outline the strategies that helped your daughter? I am meeting with school next week. I should have done this much much earlier but can't beat myself up about it. Thank you so much for your kind words, it really has helped. Alison x  

[Ali75]

Hello Mark, 

I am really worried and a feeling a bit hopeless, thank you for recognising that. It has in my opinion been a combination of the constant lockdowns last year, and turning 12 going into year 7. She has high anxiety, stress going to school. I think from what she has said she hates her classroom peers, a few loud boys. She was diagnosed with social anxiety. That is a really good suggestion for her to join the forum as well..

Thank you

Ali