Mentally struggling

Loner

Hi. I sure do hope to find at least someone who is in my situation with whom I may connect and get some ideas from. Im 54 years old and I live as my mums carer. I have a job and I get to go away camping if I plan. My problem is Mum and I fight, argue, disagree about everything. She is 80 this year. She makes me hate how she makes me feel. I don't really have a mental support group. Sometimes my sister listens and sometimes she doesn't ,varies on her mood, but unless I have a major mental breakdown, which started on Wednesday and is still going on, I get ignored or fobbed off as 'she'll be right, its only her' kind of attitude, definitely not listening. Anyways I really need some help and Im asking for it here. I can't stop crying, I mean I do cause man can this woman act! But it is an act. I'm truly not like this all the time, but this time I can't shake the demons , and they are yelling at me very loudly.

Eagle Ray

Hi Loner,

I moved in to care for my mum for the last 11 months of her life. Looking back I wish I had delegated tasks to my brother to also provide support, though I knew it would be challenging to get him to do things. I remember asking him if he could take mum to chemo just once so I could attend something important to me, but he wouldn’t and so I missed out on that important thing. I know now I should have been more assertive and firmly requested he do it, as there was no logical reason he couldn’t at the time. So I am wondering if you can request your sister provide more support, perhaps take her to some medical appointments for a change or take a bit more of an active role? It doesn’t sound like she’s very involved at all at the moment. But I realise she may not be amenable to this. I just say this knowing now how much my well being suffered doing everything alone.

Another option is outsourcing care through any support services that might be available. My mum did make use of some services via ACAT (Aged Care Assessment Teams) here in WA while my dad was still alive. There would be equivalent services in your state. It may take some pressure off you.

But I think the crux of what you are getting at is your relationship with your mother. It’s hard for conflicts not to arise when under the same roof and where you are in each other’s presence a lot. Ideally you have an adult to adult relationship, but sometimes with parents old issues persist and the dynamics of a parent to child relationship are still there. It can require some work to evolve the relationship beyond that. If your mum has very set patterns, and at 80 it can be hard to change, it may be difficult to grow together in that way, though not necessarily impossible.

It sounds to me like you are really at your wits end and exhausted. Another option here would be your mum going into respite for a bit just to give you a break, but again she may not be willing. What you can do is seek some counselling support for yourself which may be helpful if you haven’t got others to talk to, and the counsellor may have good management strategies to suggest.

In my mum’s case, she had unresolved mental health issues which I understand better now than I did at the time. I was trying to study at the time and had that to deal with too, but I wish I could have connected better with my mum and her with me in that final year. Often at that age they are facing fears about mortality and dealing with increasing aging effects which can also contribute to tensions. Sometimes if you can validate some of those concerns for them it can potentially ease tensions a bit, as sometimes they are projecting difficult behaviour outwardly because inwardly they are vulnerable and scared. I realise with my mum she didn’t feel fully seen which linked to her childhood trauma, but there was also an historical pattern of her not really seeing me, and I only wished we could have crossed that barrier before she passed. We had made some progress but things were still difficult.

Not sure if that helps. I know it’s hard. Take care. Hopefully others may have some suggestions.

Loner

Thankyou Eagle Ray. I appreciate you sharing some of your history and giving me some sound advice. I do have help with mum, I do sell my sister short as she will step up when I ask. She just doesn't see me and any of my struggles. Unfortunately at this time it is definitely me and my demons that are screaming. I can usually get myself to compartmentalise all aspects of my life, I seem to of lost that ability with all the anger , arguing and in general not getting along.

You hit on some points about mum not changing , and that is one of my problems. I have made changes all along and she is a brick wall. She will not apologise, as she does nothing wrong, I can't get her to own any of her lies (I will touch on this own a minute to provide some more background) or bad behaviour. She has had 3 brain surgeries after 12 years ago an aneurysm exploded in her brain. She has no physical affects but early in her recovery she reverted(and still does) to being an absolute horrible teenager with attitude problems(lying) and no respect for anyone.

These 'stages' come and go and now just come out when she does the wrong thing(usually just in her mind) and reacts as if she is in trouble before it even begins. I guess I'm trying to say that yes we have underlying problems that I am mostly aware of, its just how gutted and upset I am at this moment, I truly can't stop crying every time I try to deal with my mind set. I think something has broken in my brain, I am lucky enough to have a 3 day getaway planned with my favourite cousin so I am hoping I can get straight enough to pick it all back up again when I get back. My cousin is aware of my situation and helped talked me back to reality during the week, it was messy and she helped me get through with flying colours. I also have plans on going to my mums dr with her, hopefully to get some referrals and anything else in her arsenal to help. I now realise that I need professional help, in whatever shape that takes. Mum however will not admit or receive any of this help because she doesn't need it, hoping her dr gets through. I personally will be accepting any and all thrown my way.

Again Thankyou very much Eagle Ray it helps , I am sure you understand, to know just one person was listening. I am sorry for your loss, at the very least you were there for your Mum when it counted, and yes, it is very hard.

Eagle Ray

Dear Loner,

That is so difficult what you are going through. Having your mother’s behaviour change that way during and since her recovery would be exhausting to deal with. As the person living with her, I can see how intensely this would take its toll on you over time.

I think it’s really important that you get some help and support. I know there are helplines for carers. The one here in WA is Carers WA but I know there would be equivalents in each state, which you probably know and may have used already. They would have knowledge of support options plus you can also get a referral to a psychologist from your GP under a mental health care plan for 10 sessions with a Medicare rebate. I’m so glad you have that support from your cousin and that you have a 3 day getaway planned. Even a few days away can really help and be a reset. I’m actually doing a 3 day getaway myself from tomorrow due to very difficult circumstances I’m currently dealing with and I know from past experience how much it helps just to be in a different environment.

It’s very challenging when your mum doesn’t see her own need for help. My mum was similar in that she mostly wouldn’t address it in herself. In the last few years of life she was given various antidepressants to try by doctors as she did start mentioning anxiety and depression to them, but would only take them on and off like taking a painkiller for a headache. I tried to explain that if she’s going to take them it has to be everyday as prescribed for efficacy. In my mum’s case I think she really needed psychotherapeutic support but she was never going to do that.

It would be good if you had some input on behavioural changes due to the kind of brain issues your mum has been through. The field of neuroplasticity offers some hope now that things are not as fixed as they seem. I know there’s a book called The Brain’s Way of Healing by Norman Doidge that has some hopeful stories in it but I can’t remember the specifics other than the chapter on Parkinson’s as that’s what my dad had. If there was some kind of therapy that helped your mum’s nervous system to be calmer that could help. I do Bowen therapy from time to time which I find very calming and effective for my nervous system. Something like that may help your nervous system too. I often find working from the body and nervous system feeds back into the mind and coping capacity. Our nervous systems really affect one another, so it’s easy to become dysregulared yourself if your mum’s nervous system is dysregulated. When there is what is called co-regulation we can often calm one another at a nervous system level. Once the body starts to know this feeling it becomes easier to attain over time and helps build new neural pathways too.

Those are just some thoughts anyway. Take good care and have a lovely break away 🙏🌸

Loner

Thankyou again eagle ray for taking the time out of your life to reply to me. I too hope you have a very relaxing time on your getaway. I have felt more settled since I have been here with my Cuz. I also, unless I scratch the surface to closely haven't cried for 12 hours. I actually am writing this without crying, so with that in mind, I will say again thank you and your advice is sound and appreciated, as well as sharing some of your experiences, they make mine more relatable.

Stay safe and happy x

Scared

I cannot believe what I was reading.

Your situation is identical to when I was carer to my Mother and Im still traumatized 10 years later. from it.

But to wish you well and that you are not alone in your problem.

Eagle Ray

Hi Loner and wave to Scared,

That’s awesome you are feeling more settled. It can make an amazing difference both being with an understanding person and being in a different environment. I’m enjoying and benefiting from my break away too. It’s what I really needed.

Take care and hugs to you and Scared,

ER