Marriage issues

[R777]

I am at a loss.

I am a 40 yo man married 12 years. My wife is 38. We have a 7yo boy with high functioning autism and a 4yo girl.

My job is stressful and thankless with little opportunity to progress, but it pays well and I've been there long enough (10 yrs) that I work good hours which allow me to get home earlier and spend more time with my family. I feel trapped there because if i moved I'd have to adapt to longer hours, and I am the primary earner bringing in 75% of the household income.

Despite our son's condition, the kids are not a massive stress.

My wife works remotely from home. She is the only employee in a small business. There are always issues with her job, her boss, the technology, the clients. It consumes so much off our time.

The trouble is our marriage and more specifically the lack of affection and intimacy. It has got worse and worse over the last 7 years (since our son was born). We were like any newly married couple before that. Then the excuses started. At first my wife seemed genuinely regretful and we'd take 'rainchecks'. Now i either get no answer or a flat no, and every night she'll roll over as far away from me as possible.

I sometimes get given excuses. Tiredness most often, until sheer can rely on 'bad timing'. Often it's also the strategic comments or body language designed to discourage any attempt.

It's not just in bed. We never even say 'hello', 'goodbye' or anything like that any more.

I initiate everything. Every 'i love you '. Every time i beg or grovel for some sort of intimacy. I'm close to giving up on all of it.

How pathetic, i can hear everyone saying.

We've tried counseling. It did not work.

I have tried to talk about it, but she does not engage. So many times i have tried.

We now fight all the time. About her work. About the lack of any affection or intimacy. My wife is miserable and angry every day. I am the punching bag.

I lose my temper snd get very frustrated and depressed. But i have never raised a hand to her. I lay awake most nights.

Our kids are my world and i can't put them through a separation. But i cannot accept that we're going to be stuck in this rut for the next 30-40 years.

I go to the gym 5 days each week (at 5.30 am to cause minimal impact on her) to try to improve myself and see if that changes things. So far no luck (but i am much fitter). My wife stopped going to the gym after 3 visits. She has no passion for anything.

I just cannot see any way through.

[White_Rose]

Dear R777

Hello and welcome to the forum. It's good that you have found us and thank you for sharing your story. It's a huge step for many people and we appreciate you being here.

I am sorry to learn of your marital difficulties. They are not unusual but it probably doesn't help to know that. So meanwhile you are trying to make sense of your life, keep the family together and earn enough money to put food on the table etc. As you would know, full time job plus having a special needs son can be hard work.

I see your wife has to cope with child care, running the house and working with a distant employer. Add to this the complexities of her work and I can imagine the stress she is experiencing. As you say, you have been working in the same place for a while and now have the pleasure of good hours even though your work is also stressful. Sounds like a great deal of stress in your home and you both react differently. Please accept what she is saying.

Your wife is cranky and takes out her frustrations on you, while you come home stressed from work and need to help your wife in her job. Sounds like the ingredients for an unhappy home and lack of affection between you both. Can you both find time to sit and have a conversation? I realise this may be difficult but if you can perhaps take your wife out for a coffee and an honest appraisal of where things are going wrong.

I doubt you will solve everything in one go but each telling the other of the individual problems as well as the joint problems can be a starting point. I know you said you have tried to talk but nothing works. How do you approach the topic? It's no good if you both immediately start blaming each other. That just produces excuses, thought.

I learned a long time ago a sentence which may help you. Instead of jumping into the blame game can you phrase your comments using the following sentence. When you (insert action) I feel (insert feeling/emotion) because (insert reason). So one example would be "When you push me away and refuse to be intimate, I feel rejected as a whole person because we had such a good life when we met.

I expect you can rephrase this better than me. The only rule is that you do not belittle or attack the other person. Can you try this? It is putting your thoughts in one basket so to speak. Give it a try. Remember to write down the sentence for discussion. I hope this will help but please write back.

Mary