Had enough

[Farness]

Hi everyone. This is my first time and I need help. I was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago which affected my health to the point of death within a year. Luckily, I found the right medication and things improved slowly. Now I can feel myself falling again. I was brought up in a household where you do not talk to people about your problems even your partner, “familiarity breeds contempt”. Anyway, maybe someone out there can help. I have been unemployed for five years. Previously I was a branch manager for a national company. Now I have no money, no family, no one to turn to and in employer’s eyes too old. What is the point? Everyone is going to die eventually so why struggle? Due to my upbringing (again) being on government benefits means you are bludger and useless. Any suggestions so I can see light again? Also I live in the country which I hate but have no choice. I dread waking up in the mornings.

[SheWrites]

Hi Farness,

I’m sorry things feel so pointless right now. I understand that feeling. You must feel quite lonely and isolated too, so I’m glad you found the strength to visit and reach out on the forum.

You mentioned that medication has helped you in the past. Do you currently have a GP you could talk yo about a mental health care plan, and whether anti-depressants might be a good option for you at this time?

I can also highly recommend the Beyond Blue Support Service lime if talking to a mental health professional feels ok to you. I found the support from that line really helpful.

I hope you are doing ok. You’re not alone. Wishing you peace.

[Farness]

Thank you for your kind wishes. Unfortunately my GP has left and when I stated having no money that also meant none for doctors etc. Recently I had a major back operation which cost thousands out of my own pocket. However, money down the drain as the problem is still there. How do you overcome the ghosts of the past?

To try to overcome my depression I started studying again but due to fear of failure I can't look at any of the results of assignments. Pretty pathetic. Always have been told how useless I am. First from family then from my ex.

My mother died when I was seven. My father didn’t want me so my grandparents brought me up reminding me constantly it was their obligation to my mother. I had no brothers or sisters so I was accustomed to being on my own.

I hear about bullying, and the support people receive. I was bullied constantly at school but my grandparents purposely caused the reasons. They thought I would grow up stronger but it only made me ashamed and embarrassed and withdrawn.

Sorry for the rant. It has been so long since I was allowed to even think of these things. Thank you again

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. I guess that today is the start of a new journey for you. Your post here shows that you are aware there is a resolution to your issues and looking for a guide to help you through the maze of fog.

Much of what you posted relates to the stigma associated with MIs. Because you look normal, there cannot be anything wrong with you. But they cannot see inside your mind and see the pain you are in.People here know it is real.

What is the point you ask? The alternative just shifts the pain onto others, wondering what they did wrong? People here care for you and will help you through the present darkness.

I would second the idea about seeing a GP again and possibly showing them the contents of your post above.

I know you have the strength in you to continue. It might take a while, but we will all be here on the journey with you.