Hello bella, welcome to the forum.
I'm guessing by your username (1962) that we're about the same age. I'm nearly 54, so I expect we have things in common. It's lovely to meet you.
You sound very down hun. I understand that. I've had many times when it was all too hard, when I couldn't get out of bed or even see the point of getting up. I also had times when I thought there was no reason to live. What I've learned over the years is that that was depression talking, taking over my brain, not really me at all.
The first time it hit me really hard - to the point of being suicidal - was about a year after my mum died. Fortunately I talked with my doctor and she explained that grief can occur even years after the passing of a loved one, and it can precede depression. I had thought I should be over my mum's death by then, so learning longer-term effects of grief really helped me.
I still grieve for my mum, probably always will, but what they say about time healing is true. We never forget, we never really stop feeling sad when we think of them, but it can become a sweet sadness as we remember good times and think about what they've given us that's still very much a part of who we are.
I wonder if you might like to see a grief counsellor? In any case, I really suggest you talk with your doctor about depression and perhaps get on a mental health plan that will enable you to see a psychologist at a subsidised rate. They can really help.
I know it seems like you have nothing left in life, but again that's the depression talking. You have much ahead of you if you want to find it. At our age we can truly be the person we want to be. We're past all the angst of youth and stressful, busy demands of middle age. We don't need to keep up with trends or worry what people think of us. We can just be us.
Are there things you used to enjoy doing that, once you're well and strong, maybe you'd like to do again? Or something you've always wanted to do that you never had time for? Maybe take up a new hobby or learn a new skill? Or maybe volunteer - helping others is a great way to help yourself and see the very positive effect you can have on other people's lives.
Have a think hun. And I hope you come back to talk.
Please do see your doctor though, that really is the first step back from this. And have a read of all the info on our website, that might help you understand what's happening.
Wishing you the very best
Kaz
