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Lost Without a Map
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Hi,
You are sharing on some challenging experiences you are facing. I feel you are heading in the right direction to find different supports. Beyondblue 24/7 call line [ 1300224636 ] has helped me kick start my path in the right direction to gain support. A previous step i have chosen , has been seeing my GP.
To me I have never thought it possible for life to come with a map to guide us down the different pathways we have to choose from. As i am slowly gaining some insight that it is very important to live in the now, as the living in the past has the power to drag us down and living in the future impossible. Different supports have helped me greatly to make it easier to do so.
I feel I could not even image the feelings that you are going through to overcome these issues that are impacting on your current well being.
Holding onto hope you find the support that you are seeking to better your wellbeing.
Gen
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Hi and welcome to our caring community here on BeyondBlue DMW;
From what I've read, you're in a deeply painful state due to many crisis situations and in long term survival mode. Your life has been ripped apart over and again while trying to overcome previous trauma's...how debilitating.
(I want to thank gld for a really sensitive response too btw)
Posting here on BB requires courage and self insight, so kudos for giving this to yourself. I called this our 'community' because this is where 'we' go for friendship with like minded souls who've suffered as we have. You are so welcome to join us as often as you want ok? We care and have compassion unlimited to help you thru the tough times.
The fallout from trauma whether it's PTSD, anxiety, depression or all together, are well known subjects discussed and shared on here every day; you are among 'survivors' as well as sufferers. Each section has many threads to read, follow and contribute to. Please feel free to discover the many benefits.
If you're unsure or apprehensive, just reply on this thread. I'm here most days/evenings and will endeavour to support you as best I can. I started out just like you; desperate and confused; crying out for help. I've been there, and know how this site and each member encourages and values others as individuals.
We truly care...
There are links below to peruse for info and if you have questions, Dr Kim has her thread where you can put specific medical or mental health subjects up for discussion. Unlike her, we're not professionals, but give what we can all the same.
I will say, considering your past, your current feelings are completely normal ok? Stick with us and continue posting so we can get to know each other better.
Warm and kind thoughts...
Sara (Hugs)
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Thank you for the kind words. Sadly, they sound a bit trite and insincere to my cynical old ears. I realize that they were not meant that way and were offered out of kindness and compassion but they are two things that I have none of left for myself so I feel strange when others show those things to me.I guess that after being kicked so many times while I was down (metaphorically speaking), I keep waiting for the boot to connect again. Sometimes I feel like the universe wants nothing more than to break me completely. Sometimes I just want to lie down and fade away. I try telling myself that things can't get any worse but of course life has shown me that they damned well can and mostly do.
It wasn't always like this...I accepted my solitude for the longest time without a second thought but lately I have been feeling an almost physical pain from the lack of a romantic attachment in my life as I watch all my coworkers moving ahead with life and love and other such things and find myself sitting alone for hours without even someone to talk to let alone share quality moments with. I don't sleep well, I barely eat and I can't bring myself to do anything aside from maintain life support functions at a minimum. Even my fantasies have abandoned me as I can't even imagine myself in any loving situation of even the most mundane kind. It seems too absurd to even contemplate.
It isn't all doom'n'gloom though. Or at least I'm trying to find a path. My first step is to move out of the place I am now. It's too easy for me to hide away here and the parent I'm staying with has a "why bother" and "there's no point" attitude herself so is hardly helpful at all and and often downright discouraging instead of supportive.
One other thing - I haven't cried for any of this. I can't cry. I want to cry. I want to scream and wail and shed tears to drown the world but they JUST WON'T COME. I can feel them welling up inside sometimes but they never appear and often I feel if I could just get the tears to flow many things in my life would be come right again.
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Hey again DMW;
Well, you've totally impressed me! Firstly, I love a straight shooter, and you have it in spades. So I hope you don't mind if I reply in kind?
My words might seem trite and insincere to someone who's not open to sensitivity in the form of support. This as well, can be a normal response; we read similar many times from first time posters; it doesn't put me off at all.
Your grasp of the English written language is impressive. I thoroughly appreciate this. And as for intelligence? Again, it comes thru your words just as it does for many who remain as regular members; a commonality we enjoy and sometimes discuss.
I know this is a proverbially shit time for you, so accepting positivity and especially trust, has to be learned. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want help yeah? That's the courage I was talking about. It takes guts to come on here and share your pain. The difference between your parent and me? I understand and listen from a 'known' perspective.
Most of all though, it's the fighter in you. Personally speaking, you and I have this in common; understanding multiple trauma's and surviving them is right up my alley.
The Universe is a mighty and wondrous phenomenon, providing events and opportunities that bring out the best and worst in us. Being vulnerable to trauma is being human, surviving multiple trauma's is being super human. You're still here, and this of all things sheds valuable light on who you are (not were) as a man and fellow sufferer.
You won't find an absence of empathy or motivation on BB. We're patient and tolerant (to a point) with people who want to spend energy and time on their own recovery, and ideally moving out of that black hole.
So buckle up my friend; finding yourself means finding love. Are you ready for that?
With you all the way...
Hugs...Sara
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Hi DMW;
Your response although brief, gives quite a lot of insight. Looking at the big picture can be overwhelming, it's 'one' step, one issue at a time; we constantly remind people of this. It's not the destination, it's the journey. Yeah, cliche but the truth.
I'm wondering if you're on medication and seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. Do you have an understanding GP? These are support systems that promote strategies to maintain daily life as well as giving respite to overactive thoughts/worry. This in turn creates the recovery 'process'.
Negative thinking although part of the PTSD experience, is your counter-productive. There's plenty of info within the links below and throughout the threads to help deal with this self defeating behaviour. I'm wondering if you've researched PTSD in survivors of violent crimes?
I see 'coping' strategies as the beginning of hope. It's like maths; you can't be expected to do scientific notations until you learn the basics. This is the foundation modern life is based on. So learning the basics when addressing your recovery is the same. Crawl before you walk etc etc...
Patience, determination, courage and being gentle and kind towards yourself are those basics. Pat yourself on the back each time you have a success or an ah-ha moment. Reward yourself each step of the way with encouragement and continued focus. It's not for the faint hearted, but has major benefits for those willing to do the work.
Are you one of those people? I hope so...
Stay with us DMW, you have 24/7 support on tap if you choose.
Kind and warm thoughts...Sara
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Hey again;
No wonder you came here!
Look, I'm not going to sugar coat it or give you the generic version of self help. The bottom line is...you have to want it more than your fear or worry. I mean that's your normal existence isn't it? What'll you do without the shit? Peace is a foreign concept yeah!? Scary as Hell; I get it.
Your GP has to be the first port of call ok? You may raise an eyebrow, but you need them more than they need you. Without med's, your life and love prospects will become the 'past'.
Anyone you bring into your life now will reflect what's going on inside you...dysfunction and mentalness. Let's face it, you won't be disclosing anything the GP hasn't heard before. Once it's out, it's done.
You do show insight and willingness to try. That's a plus; it means you've been delving to 'fix' the problem. (Apart from it being perpetuated by worry) But doing this without chemical and psychological support is so bloody difficult.
How's your sleep? Sleep is the physiological foundation for recovery. Psychosis or delusion can occur from sleep deprivation...a brain chemical Molotov cocktail. Med's are crucial in the beginning to promote sleep and wellness to cope.
We've all had our go-to drug of choice. Alcohol seems the most common as is weed; the latter a time bomb for psychosis/schizophrenia. This isn't a myth, it's a fact. No, not everyone who smokes will suffer, but if you have a pre disposition, it's deadly. Willing to risk it?
Now, you can come and purge here anytime you want; you're really welcome. I want the best outcome for you, this is my thing. I care damn it! But I won't give up on you. One day I may tell you of my life long trauma's, that's if you want to listen. Maybe it'll motivate you..who knows?
So take care of you first...please
Hugs...Sara
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