Lost, Lonely & Isolated

grandma_j · ‎18-11-2016

Hi! I am new at this so please bear with me. I have always suffered from depressive illness, however the last 18 months have been the most difficult of my life. I was hospitalised for day surgery on my knee and having had the procedure done several times previously, I had no concerns. I ended up with a staph infection at the wound site and as result I have spent a total of 8 months in hospital, the longest period being from Oct last year to April this year. During this period of time I had 8 operations on my knee plus heaps of antibiotics and other drugs and also picked up two other infections which were very difficult to treat. I had to stay in bed for 6 months as the original knee prosthesis that I had implanted had to be removed until there was no sign of any infection in my knee. It was replaced just prior to me being discharged and I had to learn to walk again. I somehow managed to cope in hospital although towards the end of my hospital stay I became extremely depressed. I have been home 6 months now and in some ways I feel worse than I was in hospital. I am traumatised by the number of operations I have had and I have also been told that I will never have a normal knee again. apart from the pain, my knee is very disfigured. I haven't driven in 18 months so I have to wait for my daughter or husband to take me anywhere and I hate the loss of my independence. I want to try to drive again, but everyone is always too busy to go driving with me til I get some confidence back again. All my friends work full time and as I am unable to work at this stage, I am very lonely. I can't seem to get my family to understand what I went through mentally in hospital and how it has affected me now that I am home. I cry a lot and try to talk to family about how sad and lonely I feel, but to no avail. I just wish someone would try to listen to what I have to say and not be judgemental. At the moment I feel like such a failure, mainly because I'm not working and not contributing to our financial situation and I hate the fact that I have drawn my family into this situation where I am so dependant on them. Sometimes I wish I could be struck by lightning!! I hate the way I feel/am and I just want my old life back. I know I should be grateful that i'm alive and that there are people out there worse off than me, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I don't know what to do. I am seeing a psychologist and she is great, but I wish I could see her every day

SubduedBlues · ‎18-11-2016

Hi Grandma J

"I just wish someone would try to listen to what I have to say and not be judgemental." well, you've found the right forum for that , we are definitely the biggest group of non-judgmental listeners about. Welcome to the BB forums, I look forward to reading more about the journey you are on.

My mom had to learn to walk again after a surgery gone wrong. She would have been in her 40's then, so I was reading your story I was picturing her with her old-persons walker starting over and dragging her feet. Where my mom often felt like a burden on the fam, she was also the anchor that held us as a family together. Though we could see it in her face, how she hated being so limited in her movements, she never once complained about it to us kids.

Sometimes we'd overhear her crying to my dad, but we never raised it with her. We allowed her to retain her dignity and pride of herself. She used to say, "come sit next to your mom, and show me what you're doing." and then engage and help us with homework or whatever. She had a way of making her immobility become seemingly invisible. It took awhile, but she got back to walking and running, hiking, even did snow skiing once.

I wish I knew where she found her strength, so I could pass that on to you, but I know that she did. but most importantly, by her mushing on through this most difficult trial, she taught me that no matter the obstacle, if I persevere, I can overcome it. Sometime I may need help, and I should never be afraid to ask, but keep focused and we'll get there.

Her lesson, if I remember, was about getting rid of the huge boulder problem. With help, we make big rocks. With time and perseverance we make smaller rocks. And finally, with new found confidence, we make the pebbles that are swept away in the wind and with the rain.

Life is ever changing. Though you may have big boulders today, let us support you and make rocks together.

SB

gld · ‎18-11-2016

Hi Grandma j,

This is an awesome place to access to have a chat and when i have had a chin wag i have never had that feeling of being judge. After which i always feel better sharing and reading other people's posts.

Glad it hear you have a psychologist you feel comfortable and happy with. I too found one i felt comfortable with and it made the journey so much easier.

You are having a challenging time at present and being in hospital for that length of time could affect most of us the same way. Sounds like you are moving forward with your recovery and seeking help for your well being.

When you mentioned getting your confidence back with your diving were you meaning going driving with your love ones being passengers. If so i might have a suggestion you may be comfortable giving a go. A couple of years ago i had a motorcycle accident and lost all my confidence to ride my bike so i went and took a couple of lessons at bike training school and gained my confidence back again.

Be kind to yourself and all the best for your recovery.

Hugs...

Gen

Doolhof · ‎19-11-2016

Hi Grandma J

Years ago I had an operation on my back and spent about a year just lying on the floor.

I found that friends were more understanding than family.

Depending on where you live, could you contact your local council and ask if they have any volunteers who may be able to help you with transportation?

Some libraries and community centres have morning teas and activities. There might be something in your neighbourhood you could connect with, once again someone may be able to drive you there and back.

I also like Gen's idea of professional driving lessons. Do you have grandchildren old enough to go driving with you?

Do you have hobbies and interests to keep you occupied when you can't get out?

If you like gardening, ask someone to help you set up plants you can access.

If you knit you could make jackets for penguins or Google organisations that need knitting done.

I hand made a single quilt while lying on my back and side.

I understand the pain and the frustration, the feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Think outside the box and see what you come up with.

Like others have mentioned, this is a great place to keep in touch with people and feel supported. Hopefully you have people there with you whom you can reach out to as well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Ellu · ‎19-11-2016

Dear Grandma j

What an awful lot of pain and suffering you have gone through! It must have been a really traumatic experience. I can identify with you because last year I had two knee replacement surgeries (both requiring long periods of rehabilitation) and a full hysterectomy. The hysterectomy wound became infected and I was rushed back to hospital for intravenous antibiotics. I was also attached to a thing called a Vax, which is a sort of suction device with one end attached to the wound and the other end draining into a container which I had to carry around 24 hours a day for 6 weeks. After all that I was just about flattened.I also suffer from bi-polar disorder, which has been hard on my family (husband and 4 children in their 20's). It is horrible to feel so dependant on others for every little thing. Do get in touch with your local council, because they offer all sorts of services which could be of great help to you.

Have you talked to anyone about all this? What you have experienced is definitely a traumatic experience, and it might be very helpful to talk to a professional about it. Your GP can refer you to a psychologist near you. You don't have to be sick to see a psychologist, he/she is just someone who can talk you through your experience and help you with ideas about getting control of your situation and starting to live again. An experience such as yours is very hard to come to grips with by yourself. I thoroughly recommend talking to a professional.

I really feel for you because so much illness can make you feel as if things will never get better. Talk it over, and I promise it will take a load off your mind! Talk to us in this forum too, as we all can identify with you.

Ellu

grandma_j · ‎21-11-2016

Thank you so much for your reply. It is reassuring to hear that there are other people out there with problems like mine. My family looks at me as the rock and I am always there to get them through their problems. However when I was in hospital, the comment I heard the most was "you are so strong, you can do it, look at what you have been through. how do you do it?" Little did they know on the inside my heart was broken! I missed my family terribly and was sick and tired of all the pain, drugs, operations and blood tests every second day. I cried every day when I had a shower and it still brings me to tears when I think about it. I have come a long way since then, but I still cry my eyes out in the shower. I have come a long way since then and my family thinks I am doing ok all things considered, but they will never understand the pain and grief that I feel. I put on a good front for them most of the time, but every now and then I have a meltdown. Thank you so much for replying to my post. It has helped me to realise that there are people out there who care.

grandma_j · ‎21-11-2016

Hi Gen

Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to me. I did get in the car and go for a drive yesterday with my husband beside me. I was really keen to do this which was a good sign. I was concerned about how I would go with my right leg which is the problem leg, however I didn't have any problems at all. I'm not ready to drive in heavy traffic yet or any long distances, but as least this is a start and I feel confident that it won't be too long and I will be back on the road. Just being able to get out and about will help my recovery to no end.

Cheers

Grandma J

grandma_j · ‎21-11-2016

Hi Mrs Dools

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I don't feel so alone knowing that there are other people out their with problems similar to mine.

I have been trying to keep myself busy during my health problems. While I was in hospital I started doing adult colouring which keep me sane and treated myself to an awesome set of colouring pencils. Once my mind felt clear enough I started to knit (I have always been a knitter, but due to all the pain meds I was unable to concentrate for any length of time). I have just started to sew again, but as you can appreciate it is the company of friends and work colleagues that I miss. I went driving on the weekend and felt very comfortable so hopefully it won't be too long before I will tackle the traffic. I have come a long way, but the memories of hospital still haunt me and that is something that I will have to deal with as time goes by.

I really appreciate your suggestions and I hope that soon I will be able to reach some more goals.

Cheers

Grandma J

grandma_j · ‎21-11-2016

Hi Ellu

Thank you for your reply. I am overwhelmed with the response I have had. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone and that there are people out there who understand how I feel.

I too had problems with my wounds healing and had a vac attached to my wound. My poor knee had so much surgery and I think it just gave up!! The vac helped but I ended up with a big dint in my leg which will never go away. I had my knee prothesis removed and spacers full of antibiotics placed in my knee which left me unable to put any weight on my leg until the infection cleared and the doctors were able to put a new replacement knee in. I had to wait 6 months for a new knee.

Its been a rough road and I still have a way to go. I have been on large doses of antibiotics for 18 months now and the dr's are hoping to stop them in about 6 months. Then I have to wait and see if the infection flares up again. (last time I stopped them I was back in hospital within 3 days and had to have emergency surgery). I believe that there is a chance that the infection still may be in the metal in the new knee as there is no blood flow for the antibiotics to attack it. I hate to think of what will happen if that is the case. It will be more pain and suffering.

I totally understand what you have been though Ellu. It is very frustrating and has such an impact on your life as well as your family. It is so hard to stay positive but I feel like there is more hope after chatting with everyone who has replied to my post.

Take care Ellu

Grandma J

kanga_brumby · ‎21-11-2016

Grandma j. My story is similar but different. I have always been there for family. Now I have bad arthritis in both knees cannot walk far. Several other medical complaints. Family saying how strong I am. They just don't get we don't always have the answers, or strong enough alone. We all need to be propped up from time to time. We all try in here to support each other.