Lost & confused

[MadameCholet]

My partner is suffering through a severe depression at the moment & has moved out of our home because he says "it's the only way I know how to fix myself".

He is not seeking or wanting any help from anyone, especially from me let alone a professional. He's medicating himself with alcohol & only leaves his parents house to go to work, where he tries to put on this macho manly exterior but his colleagues can see that he is struggling; but again doesn't want to talk to them about his depression.

One of the last things he said to me was that he didn't know what I wanted from him because he's "dead inside & only feels empty." When I tried to assure him that I loved him, cared about him & wanted him to come home, he said that he wasn't coming home because he didn't want my help & wanted me to just drop it.

I am feeling so torn because I want to help but he doesn't want anything to do with me & I'm concerned that he's just drinking himself into oblivion or seeking the help that he needs or in the very least getting support from his parents, since their coping mechanism for the dad's depression is to not talk about it.

[pipsy]

Hi MadameCholet. Your partners claim he is 'dead inside' is a statement of severe depression. The drink is causing a lot of the 'deadness' he is describing. However, when he 'sleeps' off the effect of the alcohol, the pain of the depression returns so the need to deaden it with alcohol returns. It's hard to get someone to openly talk about their depression as many people turn away, they don't want to hear about it because it's 'too hard'. You are facing quite a dilemma here as his parents are also putting up a front. Perhaps you could try talking to his Dr and mention this to him. Under these circumstances you are not breaching the patient/Dr confidentiality clause, you are genuinely trying to help your partner. It's possible his Dr may be able to refer him to a therapist. I know you said he has stated he does not want to see a professional, but with depression as severe as his appears to be, his thinking is cloudy and his emotional state is all over the place.

Lynda

[MadameCholet]

Hi Lynda,

Thank you for the insight, it truly helped alleviate some of the worry I've had about him.

Since he's moved back to his parents, unfortunately I don't know who his GP is, so I'm feeling very helpless.

I've made measures to ensure my mental health is in check, such as counseling sessions, chatting to friends, going to the gym & keeping a journal; but I'm truly worried for my partner.

He's saying hurtful & malicious things to push me away & I don't know if he means them or not.

[pipsy]

Hi M.C. I'm wondering if he is protecting you from him by saying these mean things. He possibly believes the things he's saying, but I feel he's saying them to stop you from further hurt. His depression is stopping him from thinking clearly and by holding you at bay, it means (to him) you are not getting more hurt. I hear your concern but till he is ready to accept his condition and get some help, I feel your best solution would be to respect his feelings and leave him be. I also believe at the moment, you telling him you love him and want to be there for him is adding pressure he can't handle. This is in no way a reflection on you as his partner, but when anyone has such severe depression as he does, any pressure will make them feel more depressed and possibly angry. Keep doing what you have been doing, take care of your emotional needs. If you need to talk we're here 24/7.

Lynda

[MadameCholet]

Hi Lynda,

He said one of the reasons he moved out was because he felt neglected by me, so I'm afraid that if I do leave him alone that I will be fulfilling his prophecy (so to speak) that I'm still neglectful.

Is there a way of doing both? Giving him enough space but still remaining in contact without smothering him?

I don't want to cause any more damage to him or the potential of rekindling our relationship, which I would like to do; but that all hinges on whether or not he can forgive & let go of his anger.

[pipsy]

Hi M.C. He doesn't seem to know exactly what he wants. He claims you neglected him, yet he is keeping you at arms length. He won't contact you, nor does he want you to contact him. Without knowing where he is emotionally, there is no way of knowing how much contact is too much, or how little is too little. There is no way you can do both because, you can't read his mind, and he can't clear it to think properly. The depression has completely engulfed him and I don't see how you can 'reach' him at the time. Have you considered talking to a counselor or guidance therapist for your own peace of mind? Until he is prepared to get some help himself, there isn't much you can do. I think, for now, you need to care for you. I know it's hard, you love him and want him to return, but his depression has stopped him thinking clearly and if you do try to contact him, he will not communicate because he is unable to. You may have to reconsider whether you have a relationship to rekindle. Try to focus on your own needs for now and maybe consider counselling, should you need it. I sort of feel his anger could be inward rather than you. He may feel inadequate and this could be where his anger is focused. Sometimes with severe depression the sufferer lashes out rather than get help because they don't understand why they feel so depressed. This could be your partners problem.

Lynda