Greetings from WA

[Sanuye]

Hello,

I am 50 years old, Transgender and a waste of space.

My only two worthwhile contributions to society are grown up and I'm incredibly proud of them

I'm no good at my job, I never finish anything and following my transition, that I dreamed about for years, I now resemble an all in wrestler doing a drag act in a local rugby club for laughs.

My miserable, freakish existence is a burden to me, and everyone who knows me, even though they try hard to accept.

I'm Overweight, (Obese) I have a mouth full of rotting teeth and head full of half learned subjects.

In short, Ugly, Fat, boring, bad company and mostly useless.

I like classical music, reading, and riding motorcycles.

Other facets worth mentioning are that I am an Atheist, a Pessimist (who would have guessed) and fan of Arthur Schopenhauer.

I'm still breathing because I am too cowardly to make good on my frequent intentions.

Feel free to ignore me, address me as Tranny Trash, (as the rather charming lady did the other day in the Pet Shop) or engage in conversation about Motorcycles or Philosophy.

Thanks...

S.

[Kazzl]

Hello Sanuye, you are very very welcome here. I am glad you've joined us.

First, the indisputable facts. You are not a waste of space, you are not freakish and you are not useless or any of the things you think you are. As for tranny trash - I'd like to meet the poisonous bitch who called you that and turn her into kitty litter.

That person's attitude infuriates me. People like that call other people 'trash', when the spite and vile ugliness that must live in their minds for them to think that way makes them worse than garbage, it makes them evil in my opinion.

So, my new friend, you are not those things. You are a precious human being, as capable of and entitled to a happy fulfilling life as anyone on this planet (and moreso than some!).

I can see you don't like yourself much at the moment. Well hun you are not alone there. We all struggle with self-loathing from time to time. That is our real enemy. Not who we are, or what mental or physical illness we have, or our gender or sexuality, or our size, or what we look like or what we do for a living. None of those things can affect our wellbeing as much as self-loathing.

No matter what you see as your flaws, you can overcome how you see them. Not by changing who you are but by changing how you think about yourself. And that's not easy I know, I'm working on it and it's a long process of two steps forward, one step back.

Do I like myself? Not much ... but I'm working on it because I know self-loathing thoughts are lies told to me by depression. They are not me. And they are not you either.

So, how to change our thinking? With some help hun. A good psych is a good start. Your doctor can put you on a mental health care plan that will let you see a psychologist under Medicare.

And, good self-care. Try hard to eat well, sleep well, exercise, don't do drugs or drink much alcohol, avoid people who bring you down and seek out people who won't (support groups etc). And when you do these things tell yourself it's because your mind and your body are worth it. You are worth it.

There are techniques and therapies that can help you change your critical thinking about yourself. If you google Cognitive Behavioural Therapy you will find some, and we can talk more about that if you want. A good psych will be able to help you work out the strategies that will work for you.

I'm out of characters but would like to keep talking to you Sanuye. I hope you'll post back and we can chat.

Very best wishes

Kaz

[Sanuye]

Hello Kaz,

Thanks for replying, I really do appreciate your response. You hit the nail on the head, no I don't like myself much. Its a huge problem.

I had to see a couple of Psychs before I could commence the medically assisted transition, they needed to be certain of the Gender Dysphoria diagnosis.

Yes I am happy I transitioned, no, I am not happy with me.....

I've been to body image workshops and all manner of sessions with counsellors. The problem is that I compare myself to an idealogical image of what "Woman" is and I'm a long way away....

I don't do drugs, but I do like a glass of Wine.

I will google Cognitive Therapy, because I really don't want to feel like this.

Thanks again...

S.

[Kazzl]

Hiya Sanuye, I'm glad to see you again.

Now, I don't know if this helps at all, but I reckon I can say with some certainty that very very few women (born or transitioned) measure up to any 'ideal' image of what a woman is. This gal sure doesn't (overweight, unfit, smoker, bipolar, smart and annoyingly outspoken).

Who gets to decide what's ideal anyway! If the 'ideal' is the poor sad underfed photoshopped waifs in the magazines then they are as ideal as the roid-fed, muscles-for-brains, automaton action heroes are the ideal men! And I reckon we both know they're far from that. (Apologies of course to the supermodels and action heroes amongst our members 😄)

At our age hun (I'm 53) we can offer ourselves and the world so much more than what anyone sees on the surface. And really, would you want the world's perception of you to be nothing more than a decorative object?

Sanuye I'm really pleased to see you say you're happy about the transition. And it seems to me that you're going through a very common thing that isn't necessarily to do with gender. You've made a massive change in your life. Done something that's right for you and in doing so removed what must have been a longtime, constant unhappiness. But, often when we do make a massive life change, we expect that that will solve all our problems and happiness will be ours forever. My example, which is obviously very different and I'm not drawing a direct comparison, was getting sober after many years of serious alcoholism. I believed my life would be perfect if I could just stop drinking. And I did (hardest thing I've ever done). But it's not and never was going to be.

Thing is, we make the massive life change, but we don't always change what's in our heads. And until we do, the peace we're seeking remains elusive.

It's glib and lazy and pointless to say 'just start liking yourself more' so I won't. But I would love to hear more about you - things you like, about you, or about where you live, or friends or stuff you do. I'd love to hear about something that gives you pleasure. I think you said you have two grown up kids? So do I (two daughters, one of whom is openly and happily queer).

What do you like about being a woman? Serious or frivolous, I'd love to hear - because the 'likes' are the things we can build on, the foundations of making a happier mind.

Will you come back and talk some more?

Cheers hun

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Oh! I've only just spotted your picture! It's very small and I can't see clearly but is that you on the bike or next to it? How very cool. OK, I'm jealous. I'd love to ride but I'm too unbalanced (in more ways than one haha). I can't even ride a pushbike and have an unfortunate habit of falling over and breaking bits of me (even that didn't stop when I got sober, sigh).

My partner rides but his bike isn't big enough for me to sit on the back. One day when he gets a bigger bike I'll go with him on the charity rides etc. Do you do those kind of rides (eg The Black Dog ride for the Black Dog Institute is big here).

Cheers again

Kaz

[Sanuye]

Hi,

Thats me next to the bike, with a good friend of mine. That photo was taken on a charity ride I organised to support Food Bank. I love what they do. It was the second time i have arranged a ride for them, and it was much more successful second time round. I asked everyone to bring along tins of food. Between the 59 of us that turned up, we bought enough cans for 900 meals !!!!

The guy that founded the Black Dog ride lives in the Same town as me here in WA. I rode with him on his first ever ride....

So what do I love.....

I have a motorcycle collection. Ten bikes in all.....I have particular passion for Indian Motorcycles.

I love my daughter, she is 23 and works for a not for profit firm in Perth

I love my son, he is 21 and studying medicine.

I love my partner, we have been together for 26 years, and she also fiercely disagrees with the fact that I am a waste of space.

What I love about being a woman is a harder question......I have suffered with gender dysphoria for as long as I can remember. When I was maybe 5 or 6 years old I told my parents I needed to be a girl and wanted Ballet lessons. Home life went down hill from there for the next 12 years or so...

What I love now is jut being myself....Who I always have been. I'm just fed up its so far from the image in my head.... I love getting my nails done, and I love going to the hairdresser.

What I hate is being misgendered (called Sir, Him, He etc.) its a big part of why I feel so bad about me I am sure.

You have a warm smile, in the photo, and I love the fact you have been keen to engage with me in conversation. So yes I will come back and talk more. Thanks for the invitation.

Have a lovely weekend.

[Kazzl]

Hiya Sanuye - I've had dodgy interweb so haven't been able to reply til now. Thanks for getting back to me.

Sounds like you have much to be proud of my friend. Your kids sound like fine young adults - isn't it great to watch them grow into the people they are. I hope you have a good relationship with them.

And, I instantly like your partner because she's right. And, y'know, disliking yourself is obviously false thinking on your part - trust her judgement, she loves you and she sees you in a way you can't. So you need to have faith in her and believe her!

Ten bikes eh? Lordy that's a bit special. Do you ride them all or are some collectables? That's great about the rides you do, and your work for Food Bank. Helps others and is rewarding for you.

So, it sounds to me like you do enjoy just being you. And you have love and satisfaction in your life. As you say, the problem is that what you see in the mirror doesn't reflect what you want to see. I understand that hun. I've battled my weight and looks all my life. It's taken me a very long time, and I guess getting to a certain age, where I've stopped letting it make me unhappy.

Where once, if someone complimented me on say my hair, I'd think only of my profile, or my overbite - the things I hated about my looks. But since I've been delving into mental health techniques and especially CBT, I've started replacing my negative thoughts with positive ones. So if someone compliments me now, the negative thoughts still pop into my mind but I instantly replace them with thinking about what's been complimented - so, for example, yes, thank you, I like my hair (and I like going to the hairdressers too).

It's a CBT technique - replacing negative thoughts with positive ones and holding the positive thoughts in your mind, examining them, expanding them, basically using them to overcome the negative thought. Doesn't mean they stay there forever, or that the negative doesn't come back, it's a long process needing constant vigilance, but it does work over time. It becomes habit.

What this does is help stop you ruminating on the negative and allowing that rumination to bring you down. Maybe this is something you could share with your partner and enlist her help.

The aim is not to change you, but to change how you think about you. While you're googling CBT, also look for neuroplasticity - the theory about how the brain can change itself.

Hope you're having a good weekend in beautiful WA.

Cheers hun

Kaz