Lonely newbie

Stitch · ‎05-04-2014

Hello. This is the first time I've posted in an online forum.

I'm 44 years old & embarassed to find myself with no friends. I've also been estranged from my family since the age of 15. I work full-time, have a lot of hobbies and volunteer with 2 different organisations. My life is busy and productive but the lonliness is getting hard to deal with and I'm worried I'm turning into a person that I don't want to be. I'm also worried that people are able to up on my sense of sadness and this is making it hard for me to make friends.

Is there anyone experiencing a similar situation?

Vera55 · ‎05-04-2014

Hello Stitch. Yes that sounds like a difficult situation for you. Not only do you miss out on support families can provide because you say you are estranged from them, but not having friends to turn to can be really hard.

When I was in a similar situation my therapist pointed out that it was my own thinking and thus behaviour that prevented people from becoming my friends. that I put up a front of not needing anyone (but really I did) because I didn't want to appear needy. It's a complex protective mechanism of not wanting to get hurt.

i apologize if I misunderstood your post. I am finding it hard to make much sense tonight but wanted to say hello and acknowledge your sharing.

Maybe we can tease this out over the next few days. Others on this site post such terrific responses and I look forward to reading yours and theirs. Kind regards for now Vera

geoff · ‎06-04-2014

dear Stitch, thanks for joining us and it must have been a great effort to post your comment but it's great that you have.

We always encourage people to continue with their hobbies and volunteer in any organisation which you are doing but it's not doing anything for you to make friends, which shows that your self esteem is low or non existent.

Somebody has suggested ( and sorry because I can't remember your name ) a book on self esteem and hopefully they will be able to join this post.

Something awful must have happened with your family all those years ago for you to be estranged from them, and maybe you may want to let us know.

I wonder whether your confidence is so low so that you don't show any enjoyment in what goes on at work or these organisations or you always have a serious mood on your face, just saying.

This can be associated with low self esteem and low confidence. Geoff.

Stitch · ‎06-04-2014

Thank you both for reading my post & responding.

Vera you are right in saying that it is my own thinking that prevents people from wanting to become friends with me. And Geoff is also correct in saying that I don't show or feel any enjoyment in what goes on at work. Part of the problem is that I'm in a new job which is completely different to what I've been doing for the past 25 years. (Workplace injury, 2 years of unemployment & retraining in a new field) The work is complex & difficult and I spend all day with a look of fierce concentration on my face.

I'm also very anxious about doing my job well and don't have the time to socialise with my colleagues as much as I want to. I've been there 6 months now & don't feel like I fit in.

My volunteer work brings me alot of joy even though I havn't been able to make any lasting connections Although as with my paid job, most of my colleagues are much younger than I am and have different interests.

Like Vera, I put up a front of not needing anyone because I don't want people to see me as needy. I am very capable & independant which I think is a direct result of being homeless at a young age. But this independence seems to frighten people off.

I've read a stack of self-help books, have had ongoing therapy since my 20's but I still can't seem to be able to make connections with people. A large part of me questions why anyone would want to be friends with me anyway.

I joined a support group for adult survivors of child abuse but the woman who ran the group didn't invite me to any of the outings.

I also joined a "Meet Up" group but lost my nerve.

I used to go out on my own all the time. Going out to dinner or a comedy show or a movie on my own never fazed me. But as I've gotten older, the knowledge that I don't have a place where I belong has become an increasingly heavy burden.

Some days the loneliness just stops me in my tracks.

There's a saying - "Home is that place where, if you have to go there, they have to let you in"

Thank you for listening.

Bec_Luke · ‎08-04-2014

Hi stitch.

I have to say I'm not a busy person as I am unemployeed and trying to look for work, however I am also am wanting to make some friends of my own as I don't have any. I can understand your loneliness as well. I have recently done some voluntary work myself hoping to get a job out of it. But I myself am finding it very hard everyday as all I am doing is being at home doing nothing and I don't have anyone to just get out with, i have also recently been in a 11 Month relationship who they were the only and the first person I had opened up to and I have been battling depression for the last year and anxiety for the whole of my life. To this day it's hard but I must say that you are not alone, in this this situation and for me as well its a nice reminder to know and read that there are others out in the same position as I amand as you are, I also hear you when you sayabout turning into someone you don't want to be. I myself feel like I am or have become someone that I don't know who I am anymore when I look look back at the person I was last year before I got my depression. But it's normal for youto be feeling the way you do atthe moment, but it's ok to be felling these things, as I have said before that you are not alone.

Kind regards Bec 🙂

Vera55 · ‎08-04-2014

You are so right Bec, I don't think any one is immune to experiencing loneliness at least once in their life. At times you can be surrounded by all your friends and family and feel alone. It can feel really lonely in a partnership too although there are people coming and going all the time.

I must admit when I did the work on forming friendships it was scary because it's about intimacy. Intimacy is about vulnerability and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another person who might reject the effort. Arghhh, feel tight in my chest as I write this. but you can't have the goodies until you have the courage.

i would seek a counsellor as a support to help you both to navigate this life lesson. It's not as simple as it sounds because you are dealing with a myriad of reasons why it's difficult to form friendships. Issues of control, worthiness, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment and so on. And support and guidance is really important and helpful because some of us don't know how to make friends. V.

Bec_Luke · ‎08-04-2014

I have recently spoken to my psychologist and my psychiatrist nurse who I may see once a week or when I can. And I had asked about if there where any groups like they have for AA but for people with/batterling depression. And I had been told that there are a few that my psychiatrist had then said she highly agreed and reconmendered would be good not only to meet new people but makeing friends and meeting new people who actually have an understanding and would be able to suport one another aswell

Tanzi · ‎08-04-2014

Hi Stitch

My first post too. I have had depression and anxiety since I was aabout 7 or younger directly related to my Parents. I made peace with them but still have the debris inside me. I had lots of friends including alcohol and now I'm worrking at beating it all, my friends seemed to have disappeared coz who wants to be friends with someone who doesn't drink.

I understand what you mean about being serious wanting to be good at your job and not wanting to appear needy.

I have been reading a lot about positive affirmations to reprogramme the way you think about yourself because if you don't like you it's hard for others to.

Just a thought I'm also keeping a gratitude journal to remind me to focus on the positive. Even if it's just 1 thing a day.

Above all else keep trying because you definitely are not alone x

Stitch · ‎19-04-2014

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

I do have a psychologist who I see about once a fortnight. She's fantastic to talk to, she's like the sister I never had. We seem to be on the same page as far as values, politics and social issues go and I always leave the session feeling better. It's not only great to talk to her, I also enjoy hearing her point of view.

It would great if BB could facilitate some sort of real-life get together for forum members. Something along the lines of what "MeetUp" does like a movie or picnic or some other low key event. Does anyone know if this is possible?

Bec_Luke · ‎19-04-2014

Hey stitch,

It's grate to hear that the psychologist appointments you go to have been making you feel about more better a and are helpful.

I also agree with you on your comment about BB facilitate some sort of real life get together as you a day.

I think its a grate idea.

I also would love if this could be something possible to happen.

It would Be grate to be able to connect with others and meet others and mix with those who have the understanding and who can relate.

Bec. X