Just too sad

[Sad_face]

Hi,

my husband has depression & has since we got together. We’ve been married 5.5 years. I love him as I have never loved another, he’s the love of my life.

im walking away from the love of my life. He’s told me today that his condition is worse due to me.

I’ve done what I can & yes, I react when he’s nasty. Low blow with me being the ‘cause’ & making him worse. I’m at my wits end & cant do it anymore. And will end up making him worse

Think he will be happier on his own eventually. He’s happy around everyone else, not me.

Thanks for reading. Just needed to get it off my chest.

[baet123]

Hi Sadface,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting and sharing your situation with all of us on BeyondBlue.

I think the love and passion you have for your husband is amazing and he is very lucky to have someone who is so loving and supportive. I think what he has told you about his condition "worsening" because of you may be the condition speaking, not him. We all say things we don't mean all the time and dealing with depression must be really difficult for him because it was for me and I always said things I didn't actually mean. Have you tried taking some time away from each other? Maybe giving each other a bit of space is worth looking into?

Does he see a health professional for his depression? Have you tried couple's therapy or counselling? I think this may be worth a shot before you both make long term decisions.

This is a very troubling and uncertain time for you and I hope it works out for you and your husband.

Please keep us posted and feel free to keep us updated on your situation if you feel comfortable doing so.

All the best,

Nick.

[Sad_face]

Hi Nick,

he says pretty awful stuff & unfortunately I do retaliate- because his words are so hurtful.

we will be spending time away from each other & I really do hope it gives him time to reflect & think. He’s always blamed me for things & yesterday was the final straw when he said I’ve made his condition worse & also raised his arm at me (didn’t follow through)

He has medication & just sees random doctors to get scripts. Told one a while back he was feeling better - so she halved his medication! The doctor doesn’t know him! I sincerely believe the medication is not strong enough. He doesn’t see any other professional & refuses counselling - with or without me.

Thanks for taking the time to answer.

[therising]

Hi Sad face

My heart goes out to you and your husband whilst you are both dealing with the challenges of depression.

I have to say that I agree with Nick, it is most likely the depression talking in regard to you being the cause. I've been with my husband for just over 20 years and my perception of him whilst I was in my depression was very different to outside of it. I've been free from this mental dis-ease for a number of years now and I can tell you that it does impact your sense of connection to people, especially a spouse. Seeing our spouse is the one who we typically spend a number of hours with each day, every day, they tend to be the one who forces us to reflect upon our self more so than others. If our relationship with our spouse leaves us feeling like we are 'failing' in some way, we will seek out those who will not lead us to reflect upon our sense of failure. I understand how hard it must be for you to not take this management strategy personally.

Although my husband was supportive to some degree during those years of inner turmoil (which I love him for), the one thing which I wished he'd have done, which he didn't, was understand depression. He sort of didn't believe in it, as a condition. Of course, if you're not experiencing it first hand, it's hard to fully understand it but coming to understand it to the best of your ability might help make some difference to the both of you as you deal with this challenge. Doing a little research on the topic can offer great insight. For a start, some of the chemistry responsible for motivation and happiness (dopamine and serotonin) is different in the head of someone experiencing depression compared to someone who is not, hence why people in a state of depression are given medication to help right the chemistry.

With relationships being largely based on how we relate to people, being able to relate to your husband in new ways, with greater understanding, may make some difference to the relationship.

Take care of yourself Sad face and know that I am wishing the best for you during your struggle to make sense of it all

[Sad_face]

And thank you for your kind words Nick, sincerely appreciated.

[Sad_face]

Thank you therising, that made me cry. I have tried to understand his turmoil. I’ve bought & read books to try & understand & help & be supportive & a book also on being the partner of someone with depression.

Ive told myself repeatedly that I’m not to blame & it’s this ugly disease doing the talking. I can only do it for so long & doubt keeps creeping in & telling me he would be better off without me.

I’ve tried so many different approaches. Im now at the stage where I need him to realise if he doesn’t do something to help himself - it’s going to kill our relationship well & truly.

Ive tried lots of different things & he doesn’t have interest in anything or seem want to get out of the black hole - it’s swallowed him

I used to be happy & carefree. This disease has taken its toll on me & I no longer have anything to smile about or look forward to.

Glad to hear you are on the other side of it. Do you mind me asking how you got through & past it?

thanks for taking the time to share & guide me.

[baet123]

Hi Sadface,

Not a problem my friend. We are here to support each other and offer love, care and support when we need it the most. It is absolutely plausible that his dosages are to low and halving his medication could be having tremendous negative effects on his emotional well-being. Please urge him as much as possible to see whatever health professional he needs to see. Coming off medication and halving your dosage particularly for someone in his current state can often lead what your describing.

Stay strong and positive and we are always here for you.

Please keep us updated. All the best,

Nick.

[therising]

Hi Sad face

You sound like such a beautiful person in so very many ways. You've invested so much of yourself in trying to understand what your husband's going through and he is so fortunate to have you as a gift in his life. I completely understand the need for separation; you do need to start looking after yourself, for depression is a sneaky thing at times (it can creep up on us without us realising the threat). It will do you good to reconnect with a healthy sense of self.

With you having mentioned the way your husband manages the medication as well as his lack of interest in any form of therapy, I feel unless he is willing to take responsibility, things may not change.

As far as my own journey through depression goes: It developed around the age of 20 and came to an end at 35. It was actually being a part of a post natal depression group that led me to freedom. It was not long after me having had my 2nd child that a wonderful health centre sister recommended group therapy. By the way, all the women in this group had a long history of depression. During one session, brainstorming led to a whiteboard filled with all our shared traits, yes, we all had them: Lethargy, mood swings (including that state of despair and sadness), fits of anger, the obsessive need for control, feeling disconnected...this list went on and on. I looked at that board and realised 'OMG, this is depression, this is not me (like I'd always led myself to believe)'. There were a few other revelations during the weeks but the identity reassessment did have a great impact. Thought I'd give you the super condensed version.

If I could describe depression: It's like some nasty little creature perched on your shoulder, constantly whispering cruel things into your ear. It holds a long dark cloak with words pinned to it like loser, hopeless, weak, pathetic and so on. When you come to truly understand the creature and the way it thrives, it loses its power, leaves you and that cloak finally falls to the ground. You are standing there naked, finally free of all the labels, free to redefine yourself. It is my belief that this 'nasty creature' looks for a time in life where there is tremendous self-doubt. If people in turmoil ask that question often enough, 'Who am I?', it will hear the call. Depression cannot exist within the truth: We must not accept the labels which weigh us down. We must seek to constantly redefine ourselves through enlightenment, not darkness (aka lies).

Take care Sad face

[Sad_face]

Hi therising,

Thank you:-) Thank you for your kind & wise words. I read your post through the night last night & have re-read it about half a dozen times. And thank you for your description on depression - I sincerely appreciate you sharing your story.

My concern is that he wont seek help. He really needs to, but just cant see it. As he sees me to blame for his unhappiness, he really doesn't want to listen to me. I am cautious of my suggestions & how I word it, knowing how he reacts. He has now acknowledged he the trouble from the past couple of years or 'damage' as he referred to it as (actually its longer than that) that has been done & doesn't know if can be repaired. I agreed - its going to be a challenge to overcome.

I just don't know how to get him to want to seek help & do it for himself. I just want to see him smile again. He is so unhappy. He doesn't take his medication religiously & has been taking other strong pills for back pain which weren't prescribed to him (which will interfere with his sertraline) & constantly eats junk - not healthy food - which I am careful not to go on about. He seems to be in self destruct mode & I am not sure how to stop the car crash, which will bring our marriage down with it too.

I am currently now 2 states away since Monday (long story, to care for my Mum for now) & he is due to fly in on Friday week for a week. I so much want to make it work & be there for him, - I love him - simple as that. He's making it very difficult - continuing to push me further away - intimately & in all areas! Feel like we are just existing - there is no relationship. We spoke this morning for the first time in 4 days. He is a shift worker & goes from days to nights, but he knew how upset I was from the week ends goings ons. He had a break from the shift work recently for 8 months (whilst being here with me & helping me) & he was much better off the nights & shifts. But is back in to it & cant see how it affects him as well.

Thanks again for reading, I really do appreciate it.

[Sad_face]

Hi Nick,

Thank you - I really do appreciate your words.

From a male's perspective, do you have any thoughts on how I could prompt him to seek help / join a support group. I just don't want to get it wrong & any guidance is appreciated - as feel I am already losing him.

Yes, he needs stronger medication, as well as a lot of other things. As mentioned in my previous post - he just doesn't seem to care anymore & doesn't smile / isn't happy.

Whether that is with or without me - I want what is best for him. He is stuggling & no longer sees the sun shine.