Just can't seem to get through this tunnel

[SisterG]

Good morning,

I am so inspired by the posts of everyone and thank you all for sharing your stories and journeys. I loved the stories of those of you who have made it through to the other side of this darkness. I hope I can get there too.

I have some wonderful things in my life to be grateful for but feel so lonely and in such a dark place. This has gone on for many years on and off and I can remember these feelings when I was younger too. I have managed to get through them with keeping busy I guess; and had always prided myself of seeing the positives in any situation. I am struggling to do this for myself though at the moment emotionally. I now have a chronic illness which means I can't work and can't over exert physically. This has impacted greatly on my mental health and I struggle with this daily.

I am feeling more and more often that I would prefer not to be here. I know many of you understand this feeling. I have a daughter and feel confident that I wouldn't take action on these thoughts but they are consuming me more and more. A more general feeling that if I was to die that I would be ok with that. I know this would cause her great trauma and I would never want to do this but the feelings are still there and very strong. I know others would be sad for my passing but they would move on as we all do.

I have been through trauma and illness and all of this has impacted on my current mental health. I feel like my spirit has been broken. So many of us are born with such love and kindness and through years of unkindness and abuse this dwindles into nothingness. I guess this is where I am at the moment. I have an overwhelming sense of nothingness.

I have a good medical team, some good friends, a great brother and cousin and have just joined a wonderful group of women for support. I have had to let go of people who I thought were friends but turned out not to be which was painful, have a strained relationship with my sister who was once one of my closest people and have been single for over 10 years because single parenting and supporting family has consumed my world.

I miss being in a relationship.

I would love to see more sunshine rather than darkness.

Thank you for reading through this if you have made it to here. 🙂

[SisterG]

Hi Chunty,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I am so grateful to have found BB. I was very low when I first posted - thankfully I am a bit better now. I have my supports in place and have more good days than bad emotionally. Any illness is debilitating on so many levels - the illness itself but also the ramifications. I do identify with you in regards to the isolation and loneliness at times. My heart goes out to you. I have also linked in to some Facebook groups of people with the same illness - I have found this useful too as these group members are going through similar struggles. I am sorry I didn't write this sooner but have been absent from the forums as my daughter had an operation. Please know that there are many of use with you.

Take care.

SisterG

[therising]

Hi SisterG

I'm so glad you can sense your progress and that you feel you've come far. If you've amazed yourself that's because you're naturally amazing, you can't deny it. To me, it's obvious how amazing you are.

So exciting to hear how wonderful you are, how you wonder and things/solutions just naturally come to mind on occasion. I've found the more I practice wondering the more things naturally begin to come to mind. A closed minded person rarely wonders whereas an open minded person wonders often, receiving hits of inspiration. If you get a charge out of such inspiration, such magic, this can become a way of occasionally tuning out from a lot of the non magical stuff that holds the potential to bring us down. There's a lot of it out there.

I've found it amazing how wonder and inspiration has naturally led me to not take 'No' for an answer. It's like you could go to the doctor and have him/her say 'No. There's no way things are going to improve for you without medication'. In this case, if I was to wonder 'Is this true, can things not improve beyond taking this med?' and if what comes to mind is 'Of course they can, you just need to find the right person who is all about deeper understanding and improvement in this area (maybe while I'm taking medication in the meantime)', I would simply refuse to believe the doctor. I suppose this is why people are prepared to travel overseas; this is where that improvement person happens to practice. Definitely an expensive and challenging way to seek improvement.

Through my experience, I've come to learn wonder is highly underrated and inspiration is often overlooked. Both take a lot of practice until they become the norm. I've also come to learn that I will forever be entering into challenges for the rest of my life, some enormous and some minor. Without wonder and a mind open to inspiration, they will be so much harder to get through. The nature of life is to be challenged to evolve beyond our perceived limitations.

You are amazing 🙂

[SisterG]

Hi again therising,

This is such a wonderful yet gentle and powerful way of looking at things. I too always question things but have found it more of a fight when things don't make sense. My way is exhausting! If I take this in a more gentle way of curiosity rather than a battle I think this would help me immensely.

I can't thank you enough. I feel so blessed to have connected with you. You are truly amazing!

SisterG

[therising]

Hi SisterG

I wonder whether it becomes exhausting when you're the one who's doing all the work to make sense of a somewhat senseless situation. For example, it can make perfect sense for you to question a person in so many ways, in regard to getting the answers you need. This person might say 'You don't need to be asking so many questions' or 'You're dwelling too much on the whole matter'. You could say you find it senseless, for them to not ease your curiosity. I love it when people help me make better sense of things. It's like being fast tracked through a challenge. If someone doesn't want to help me make sense of things, I can't help but wonder 'Why?'. Why would they want to leave me in a state of mental exhaustion or leave me in a state of confusion. I do find some people to be a little insane 🙂 Usually, they're the kind of people who say to you 'What is wrong with you? Why do you need to question everything?'. The insane part - There's nothing wrong with a person who feels the need to question. They're highly sensitive to the need for greater understanding, an education. This sensitivity is like a gift in a way. If you asked my husband, he'd say this gift I love feels more like a bit of a curse for him 🙂 One of the many questions I've asked him, which he refuses to wonder about - 'Do you ever wonder what it would take to find the best in yourself?'

You know you're most likely not going to get answers or sense from people who typically respond with

• I don't know
• Stop questioning so much
• Just get over it and move on (good management plan, NOT)
• It makes perfect sense (when it actually doesn't)

• What's wrong with you? By the way, nothing. You can be a natural born wonderer and questioner of everything questionable. I personally thrive on being around philosophical people. They love questioning just about everything

The list goes on.

We are born to question, to wonder. We lose this ability when it is conditioned out of us. Three year olds have such a natural intelligence the way they question just about everything. Regaining this ability does tend to trigger people a little 🙂 I say TRIGGER THEM, to being thoughtful! You don't want to spend a lifetime surrounded by thoughtless people who do nothing but shut you down. Technically, they're shutting down your ability to make better sense of life.

🙂

[SisterG]

Good evening therising,

Haven't been online for awhile so missed your response. Which was wonderful like always. You are so right - I cannot help but wonder and have always been like this. I also like to question things particularly when they don't make sense to me. I have learnt that this can make people a bit grumpy and this usually is put back on me as having the problem. I again like your take on this and am also confused as to why someone wouldn't want to help me make sense of something 🙂 People.... 🙂

I was pondering things the other day and looking back to the start of the year. I remember the darkness I felt and it seems so distant. Thank goodness. I felt myself slipping back a little the other day but it passed and I am fine. I really couldn't see a time where I would feel different but here I am. The mind is a crazy thing.

Thank you again for sharing your wisdom. It is always appreciated.

Kindest.

Sister G

[therising]

Hi SisterG

I'm so glad to hear you're in a good place. The feelings that come as a result of being liberated through wonder can be positively energising.

Personally, I can't help being kind of addicted to wondering. The thing I find about wonder is it triggers the mind to automatically open. Before wondering, it's like you can find yourself with a mind like a steel trap, shut tight around false beliefs about yourself, such as 'I'm so hopeless, I'm so angry all the time, I'm so sad'. Typically, this'll lead to 'What's wrong with me?!' The second you're triggered to wonder, the dialogue begins to change in favour of making sense of things. 'I wonder why I'm hopeless, feeling hopelessness at such a deep level. I wonder why I'm so angry a lot of the time. I wonder why I feel so sad much of the time'. With a completely open mind, what may naturally come in is 'Look at the people around you'. Suddenly you may become conscious of the fact no one's leading you to feel a sense of hope. No one's leading you to feel a sense of peace. No one's leading you to feel a sense of joy. In fact, they may be dong the complete opposite and the complete opposite is exactly what you're feeling or sensing. Then you may realise you've gone from 'What's wrong with me?' to 'What is going on with the people around me?'.

There's nothing quite like a potentially depressing challenge to lead you to begin feeling 'down'. It's like if 'down' is a feeling or a sense (sensation), you can feel in you, starting to stir. it's a horrible feeling and it can be a scary feeling for someone who fears going back into a depression. I find there are times where it's seriously challenging to remember the mantra 'It's time to begin wondering why you're suddenly sensing a down shift'. During deeply challenging times, it's like you have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. While the angel's trying to trigger you to wonder, it can be drowned out by the brutally depressing words 'No need to wonder because, basically, you're just hopeless. Have you forgotten this fact?'. Shutting the hell up or off is part of the challenge, hey. Finding more of heaven on earth is a truly beautiful thing. You can feel it when you've found it.

[Chunty]

Hi Therising, Your post to Sister G made a lot of sense and you are very insightful. I agree that other people attitude and input can have a strong bearing on how we feel. I just feel we should not buy it. It is easier said than done, as our emotions do get the better of us. Itsxa goodvthing Ive learnt of you Therising. I will keep that in mind. Thank you. Chunty

[SisterG]

Good morning therising,

Another wonderful and insightful post. I think you are like a lifeguard :-). I have started to feel myself start sinking the past week or so. Rocked by some family interactions which have taken me off guard. Have started to feel alone and unheard and uncared for. (Can see the downward trajectory). I will put in place the 'wonder' strategies as I move through this. I wonder why one of my siblings can't see the reality of our family situation. I wonder why I am not able to pretend nothing has happened when my siblings can. I have had one of my siblings cause myself and my daughter great trauma over many years but this has/is being ignored. I would love to be able to speak openly about it so I can move forward but for some reason this isn't possible in our family. This causes me a great deal of pain. (I am getting counselling for this). I am trying to work out how to have a relationship with my siblings (who I have historically been very close to) but still honour myself and the damage that has been done. Tricky. My instinct is to work through removing myself from the family (flight) - which also will cause me a great deal of pain...... tricky. Thank you again. This was a wonderful post to read this morning to help me keep my head above the water on this journey. Sending lots of kindness and love to you. Sister G.

[therising]

Hi SisterG

I feel for you so much as you experience being who I imagine is perhaps the most sensitive member of your family. If you are the most sensitive person in your family, I also imagine this feels more like a curse than an ability.

Sensing a lot can be so frustrating when you're surrounded by people who don't have the same ability. It's like you can sense the deep need for resolution, so as to move forward, but no one else can sense the obvious need. You can sense the hurtful or degrading words of others but no one else can sense the impact of such words. You can sense people shutting you down, people being ignorant (ignoring your feelings), people being deeply challenging and the list goes on. It's tempting to think 'Why am I so sensitive, what's wrong with me?' after someone's declared us as being 'Over sensitive'. In my opinion, 'You're so sensitive', as a put down or a joke, invites the response 'Hell, yeah! Why do you think it's so easy for me to sense your nature'. If you say this with a grin, it's more impacting 🙂

It's actually quite interesting when you connect with another Sensitive. I can recall not long ago when my 19yo daughter and myself were talking to someone. The conversation was friendly enough until 'the shut down'. I could feel it SisterG, as a sensation. If you can relate, it's like a really really subtle blow that you feel suddenly hit you. I said to my daughter later that day 'Did you feel the shut down in that conversation?'. She responded with 'Didn't you see me look at you when it happened?' She didn't just observe the shut down, she felt it. She's a real feeler, that one. There are times where, if I'm getting agitated with people, she'll say 'Stop it! I can feel what you're doing to me'. She'll feel my agitation. There are times where she'll even say 'I can feel there's something really off about that person but I just don't know what it is', when meeting a stranger.

I believe, some of the most challenging people to cross our paths will be the ones who lead us to doubt out feelings. When you feel deep pain in regard to something and such people say 'You're making a big deal out of nothing. Stop over analysing everything' (bamm, shut down) or when you let go as you feel the overwhelming need to scream words at a person who has refused to listen to your upset time and time again. As you let go, they announce 'You're crazy. Just listen to you'. Sometimes, what's crazy is they still can't hear what you're saying 🙂

[SisterG]

Yes, yes and so many yes's.

My daughter is also the same. 🙂

"Sometimes, what's crazy is they still can't hear what you're saying" - this is what is so puzzling to me at the moment too. This year (in desperation really) I have tried to be clear on the effect of their behaviours, words etc on me....... it is like I haven't spoken. Have tried a few different angles to no avail. Fascinating. So interesting when you can feel others pain without them saying a word.

Thank you again. 🙂