Just can't seem to get through this tunnel

SisterG · ‎12-03-2021

Good morning,

I am so inspired by the posts of everyone and thank you all for sharing your stories and journeys. I loved the stories of those of you who have made it through to the other side of this darkness. I hope I can get there too.

I have some wonderful things in my life to be grateful for but feel so lonely and in such a dark place. This has gone on for many years on and off and I can remember these feelings when I was younger too. I have managed to get through them with keeping busy I guess; and had always prided myself of seeing the positives in any situation. I am struggling to do this for myself though at the moment emotionally. I now have a chronic illness which means I can't work and can't over exert physically. This has impacted greatly on my mental health and I struggle with this daily.

I am feeling more and more often that I would prefer not to be here. I know many of you understand this feeling. I have a daughter and feel confident that I wouldn't take action on these thoughts but they are consuming me more and more. A more general feeling that if I was to die that I would be ok with that. I know this would cause her great trauma and I would never want to do this but the feelings are still there and very strong. I know others would be sad for my passing but they would move on as we all do.

I have been through trauma and illness and all of this has impacted on my current mental health. I feel like my spirit has been broken. So many of us are born with such love and kindness and through years of unkindness and abuse this dwindles into nothingness. I guess this is where I am at the moment. I have an overwhelming sense of nothingness.

I have a good medical team, some good friends, a great brother and cousin and have just joined a wonderful group of women for support. I have had to let go of people who I thought were friends but turned out not to be which was painful, have a strained relationship with my sister who was once one of my closest people and have been single for over 10 years because single parenting and supporting family has consumed my world.

I miss being in a relationship.

I would love to see more sunshine rather than darkness.

Thank you for reading through this if you have made it to here. 🙂

SisterG · ‎25-03-2021

Thank you again therising,

I feel like you are talking directly to my inner most parts of my soul. This makes so much sense to me and particularly the pace at which you work through each situation. I have found that this is the only way I can do these things. Quietly, carefully and with love and kindness to myself.

Sending you lots of kind wishes and so many thank you's.

therising · ‎31-03-2021

Hi SisterG

Checking in to see how you're traveling 🙂

So hard to find kindness and love for our self at times. The way the 'downs' take over can feel brutal. I ask myself 'How is this possible, to feel such love for myself and then experience what feels almost like hatred? How is it possible to feel such extremes?' I suppose it's about loving myself the most when I'm evolving in some way and resenting myself when I feel stuck. To love our self during the 'stuckness' is skillful.

Interpreting inspiration constructively is something I believe I need more work on. When I'm channeling inspiration on a high, life's fantastic and easy

You're a legend
Well done, you've made it through this challenge
You're making the difference you need

When channeling inspiration in a down shift, what comes to mind

You're hopeless
You're pathetic
Nothing's going to change
You're always going to struggle

If I was to imagine inspiration as a helpful friend, why is that friend so cruel at times? Maybe this is not actually the case. Perhaps the statements are valid and constructive, once elaborated on:

'You're hopeless. What or who is leading you to feel such a loss of hope?' Valid question, worth exploring
'You're pathetic.' When I was writing this one, inspiration just came to mind, 'Look up the origin of the word 'pathetic''. Of Greek origin, pathos means suffering. It then evolved into pathetikos, meaning sensitive. Evolving into Latin, it translates as 'affecting the emotions'. Makes sense that 'pathetic' would not be negative when 'empathetic' is not negative. To say 'I'm pathetic' would be accurate at times but in no way degrading. Sometimes I hate the way words have lost their true meaning over time. Apparently inspiration knows Greek and Latin 🙂
'Nothing's going to change...if you're going to repeat the same behaviours or if you're going to hang around the same people'
'You're always going to struggle...if you don't learn to let go of or evolve beyond what it is you're struggling with'

Maybe, in a down shift, the challenge becomes about expanding on the statements that come to mind. Even the statement, when something goes wrong, 'It's all your fault' has merit. 'The way you're perceiving this situation is all about one of your faults'. The fault in us that has us accepting 100% responsibility when others are responsible can be a thoroughly depressing fault at times. Here, it is fair to feel sorrow or sorry for our self, the self who loses the chance to speak up.

🙂

SisterG · ‎10-04-2021

Hi therising,

Thank you so much for checking in on me. I really do enjoy reading your posts. They are wonderfully thoughtful and insightful. I have been travelling ok for the past few weeks. A little up and down but ok. The last few days have taken me to a darker (greyish) place. It drives me crazy. Intellectually I can move through and articulate and find logic but emotionally I am lost. I have started a meditation practice which is helping and am trying to read about uplifting and grounding things. But so many random things seem to trigger me. I hear the sound of things and I plummet. For example: I can hear my neighbour with his two children doing something together in their courtyard, they are talking, laughing and interacting. It is wonderful. I then feel so alone and empty. My daughter is in her room, doesn't want to interact but doesn't want me to leave the house. She is 13 and we have a great relationship but I am not able to do things that would help me fill my bucket. She has some social anxiety which means visits to friends and family can be overwhelming for her so end up being put in the 'too hard' basket. She doesn't like watching movies, or working on projects unless it is something that she is inspired to do. etc. etc. Lots of these stories - won't bore you. Just feeling a bit low, overwhelmed and sorry myself.

This week I also had an issue with child support not being processed. I have medical bills to pay for myselrf and my daughter and a winter uniform to buy for her which is going to be tricky. She is also due for an operation which needs to be paid for advance. Financial stress is a huge problem for many of us. My daughter's father has also told me he may not have a job soon - any day now. I feel things will be ok as I am ok financially with the day to day things but when the bigger costs come in it puts me under quite a lot of pressure. I keep reminding myself it will be ok and try to just take one day at a time but I still struggle sometimes.

Just a lot of blabbering today. 🙂 Thanks again for checking in. It really means alot.

therising · ‎14-04-2021

Hi SisterG

I get what you mean about the intellectual side of you making perfect sense but the emotional or feeling side coming into play, throwing logic out of whack.

I've come to discover over many years (better late than never) how unhelpful the English language can be at times when it comes to helping us make sense of things. How often are we conditioned into using basic phrases such as 'I feel stressed. I feel angry. I feel tired'? It's typically the norm, which doesn't really help at all with identifying what we're really feeling. Being such an analytical gal at times, I can't help but want to get to the bottom of why I'm feeling the ways I do at certain times. In the process, I've come to practice scrapping certain words and replacing them with what I believe is more telling and helpful.

'I feel stressed' has become 'Why am I feeling my body going into a state of hyperactivity. What thoughts are triggering this feeling of hyperactivity and why? Am I facing a significant challenge and if so what is this challenge asking of me? Can I manage it myself or do I need a co-manager? Is this the feeling of being challenged to find courage or a new perspective?'
'I feel angry' has become 'What or who am I feeling intolerance towards? Should I be tolerating it/their behaviour or not?'
'I feel tired' has become 'Am I feeling an over-exhaustion (of energy) and need to build more energy up or is this the feeling of complete relaxation?'

There are even times where, in the morning, I can be thinking after just waking up 'I feel tired'. I'll stop myself from going further with this unhelpful thought and ask 'Do I feel too relaxed? Do I need to wake my body up further?' If it's 'cold' outside, I'll change 'cold' to 'fresh' or 'vibrant'. So, if I'm feeling too relaxed, I'll go outside where it's 'refreshing' in the hope of that vibrancy not leading me to vibrate too much (aka shiver).

Over time the language of my mind and the language (feelings) of my body have come to make more sense as they begin to work together. Of course, it's not all that easy at times. When the challenge is massive, breaking things down can become a monumental mind altering life altering task. Some things I can't do alone.

It is so hard at times when you're feeling your way through life and you just can't put your finger on what those feelings are really telling you or guiding you to do.

🙂

SisterG · ‎24-04-2021

Hi therising,

Again your insights are very helpful. I am doing some work at the moment on naming my feelings/experiences and just trying to sit with them. Without judging them or trying to change them. Just understand them and asking my body what it needs. This is all very new and very challenging for me.

I have had a very difficult week with family things - lots of triggers and very tiring emotionally.

I am struggling to imagine a time when I won't feel so lost or down emotionally. Has this shifted for you?

Thanks again.

Sister G

therising · ‎25-04-2021

Hi SisterG

Sorry to hear you've had such a tough week. Life definitely feels cruel at times when there appears to be not enough guidance and when no one appears to be raising you in ways where you really feel raised significantly. I've found in the past that basically being raised doesn't quite cut it, it's just not enough to shift things into a whole different gear.

I believe, seeing we're all different based on our experiences, what raises (energises and inspires) one person will be different to what does it for another. I think about my 18yo daughter and 15yo son for example. Basically, they're very similar in a lot of ways - they're both natural legends and have incredible abilities based on their sensitivities. While my daughter is highly intolerant of people and situations she shouldn't have to tolerate, she's challenged to work on a deeper understanding of such people and situations. Sometimes there's no question - Bamm, you gotta just shut things down and walk away whereas other times a deeper understanding provides benefits, especially when it comes to reading people and situations in the future (helps strengthen intuition and natural instinct). I raise her to question people and situations more, something she's coming to enjoy. She studies psychology at uni by the way.

My son, on the other hand, is too tolerant in my opinion. Might sound a bit strange but I'm raising him to become less tolerant, leading him to also question people and situations that really do require questioning. He also experiences the challenges of social anxiety, though not as much as your daughter by the sound of it. One of the challenges we're meeting to help with confidence involves learning to read other people instead of focusing on himself. Kind of like: If you get a sense that the person you're speaking with is genuinely kind and thoughtful, ease into their nature and let them guide you through the conversation. Kind and thoughtful people often make great guides in conversation, often because they sense a lack in confidence in a person. If you get a sense that someone is challenging or manipulative, spend time wondering why as you practice being emotionally detached from them. Wondering if your daughter is naturally sensitive to people, able to read them easily to some degree.

Consider speaking to your daughter's school about that winter uniform. Schools can be pretty resourceful and thoughtful when put to the test. Could pay to test them. You deserve a break.

🙂

SisterG · ‎03-05-2021

Good morning therising,

Thank you again for your message. I am doing a bit better each day thanks to the supports I have in place (including this thread).

I had written a response but somehow lost it - so frustrating. 🙂

I love the concept of tapping in to the other persons energy you mentioned above. I am having to change a big part of myself (being too tolerant of bad behaviour) which is causing quite a bit of disruption for both myself and others as you can probably imagine. 🙂 I am going to take this on myself.

My daughter is very sensitive at times but can miss some social cues so these strategies will be so helpful.

You sound like an amazing mum. Your children are so lucky to have you.

Thanks again,

SisterG

Chunty · ‎03-05-2021

Hello Sister G. Guess what I felt the need to read your post. I have been in about the same position as you have described.I have a horrible terminal illness which has made an impact on my mental health. I also have feelings of wanting to be with Jesus Christ. I have had struggles with relationships and several rejections, that I kept thinking low of my self and that I am worthless. The only thing that kept me going is that Im Catholic and love Jesus and Blessed Virgin Mary. My illness has made be totally dependent on my friend and carer. For years and months I was struggling with lonliness and isolation. My so called friends have deserted me since I have been sick. My family had little time for me, and when I tried to reach out to them in desperation, I found had ulterior motives, monetary wise. I could,nt believe it. I went down to one friend whom I had known since 1980,s. Made all the promises of visiting me. My carer was willing to pick her up and bring her home, has now come with the excuse of 2 physio appointments a week and shopping. I have never bothered to ring her since. My goodness I wish I only had that to worry about. I am completely alone now except for my Dear Priest who comes to see me once a week for Holy Communion and my good friend and carer. He has got some annoying ways, but he is honest and has a good heart. Im not perfect at all. No one is. But guess what, I cant understand it myself, after the constant battle with lonliness and isolation, over thelast few days, Im not fussed anymore. As long as I know Jesus is here with me and Mary, Father, My Carer and my Cat. Im ok. Im also happy I have found BB. I am amazed that there are such beautiful and caring souls in the forum, which inspite of their struggles and pain are still offering support to others.Im so glad to meet you, as I can identify with you. If you need to talk, dont hesitate ie if you want to.I am willing to support you. Look after yourself and God Bless🙂🐱

therising · ‎05-05-2021

Hi SisterG

Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a mum too. Aren't our kids blessed to have such wonderful mums 🙂

A wonderful mum wonders

how she can better herself
how she can provide for her kids when it comes to their sense of joy and comfort
how she can solve the problems that need solving
how she can help her child or children meet their challenges so they can evolve more easily

Boy, how the list goes on when it comes to exactly how wonder full wonderful mums can be. If only wondering was a paid job; we'd get paid overtime. We'd be millionaires. It can definitely get exhausting, being in your own head so much at times. I admit, I feel blessed to be a natural born daydreamer. I love going into thoughtless trances. What do they say...'Peace is the absence of war', that battle between 2 minds included. How peaceful, to be 'off with the fairies' on occasion.

Wasn't until the last few years that I discovered a quirky kinda aspect of daydreaming. I'd 'zone out' while thinking of a question or problem, then when I was zoned out the solution would come to me without thinking. Often, I thought 'Where the heck did that come from? That's brilliant!'. I thought that if I practiced this more and more, I could get pretty good at it. Then it hit me one day, 'I think this is what people refer to as channeling inspiration'. What opens the channel is not thinking. It's like inspiration can't naturally enter a closed mind, a mind that's thinking all the time. It's funny, I've come to enjoy being thoughtless, under the right circumstances I should add 🙂 It is incredibly hard to be 'thoughtless' (free from thought) when there is so much on our mind at times.

Can't help but wonder whether you have the natural ability to channel inspiration. Are you a bit of a daydreamer at times (a good start to opening that channel)? Do you ever have things come to you from out of the blue and are left wondering where they came from? I think sometimes we have to constructively relax and give our self a break, otherwise inspiration never reaches us.

🙂

SisterG · ‎14-06-2021

Hi therising,

Oh that is so precious. I have been absent for the past month as my daughter had to have an operation and all my attention was on that process. It went really well and she is recovering beautifully.

I too think quite a lot - I used to do more when I was younger. I need to get back to it. I love it when an answer comes to you - from somewhere unknown. It is like magic. Beautiful magic.

I can't believe where I was only a few months ago and how differently I feel now. It is still a day by day process but I feel so grateful to have had this forum and the amazing responses to help me through.

Sending lots of love.

Sister G.