Just can't seem to get through this tunnel

[SisterG]

Good morning,

I am so inspired by the posts of everyone and thank you all for sharing your stories and journeys. I loved the stories of those of you who have made it through to the other side of this darkness. I hope I can get there too.

I have some wonderful things in my life to be grateful for but feel so lonely and in such a dark place. This has gone on for many years on and off and I can remember these feelings when I was younger too. I have managed to get through them with keeping busy I guess; and had always prided myself of seeing the positives in any situation. I am struggling to do this for myself though at the moment emotionally. I now have a chronic illness which means I can't work and can't over exert physically. This has impacted greatly on my mental health and I struggle with this daily.

I am feeling more and more often that I would prefer not to be here. I know many of you understand this feeling. I have a daughter and feel confident that I wouldn't take action on these thoughts but they are consuming me more and more. A more general feeling that if I was to die that I would be ok with that. I know this would cause her great trauma and I would never want to do this but the feelings are still there and very strong. I know others would be sad for my passing but they would move on as we all do.

I have been through trauma and illness and all of this has impacted on my current mental health. I feel like my spirit has been broken. So many of us are born with such love and kindness and through years of unkindness and abuse this dwindles into nothingness. I guess this is where I am at the moment. I have an overwhelming sense of nothingness.

I have a good medical team, some good friends, a great brother and cousin and have just joined a wonderful group of women for support. I have had to let go of people who I thought were friends but turned out not to be which was painful, have a strained relationship with my sister who was once one of my closest people and have been single for over 10 years because single parenting and supporting family has consumed my world.

I miss being in a relationship.

I would love to see more sunshine rather than darkness.

Thank you for reading through this if you have made it to here. 🙂

[therising]

Hi SisterG

Being sensitive, there can be that compulsion to go easy on others. It's like you can be thinking about exactly what you want to say, to get a point across, but the sage in you is saying 'Tone it down. Don't be too brutal. You know how that feels, yourself'. So you listen to the sage and tone it down most of the time. Afterwards you can be left thinking 'Why did I tone it down? Why don't I be as brutal/thoughtless as everyone else? Why do I make such an effort to spare people's feelings?'.

Too often I channel the sage, SisterG. On the odd occasion I do tend to channel the bi*ch though 🙂 Took decades for this more assertive sense of self to come to life. I sound like an insane woman when I say I can actually channel the natural sage and bi*ch in me at the same time. Keep in mind it takes a heck of a lot to bring out that non sage aspect. You know what it's like, when you're pushed to the absolute brink time and time again and then suddenly you're just done. The internal dialogue can go a little like

Sage: 'You need to shut this conversation/person down now!', when someone's being purely arrogant, degrading and verbally abusive

Bi*ch: 'Let 'em have it. Tell them if they had half a brain, then you might consider taking them seriously'

S: 'Just walk away. Don't get yourself worked up. You'll regret saying something that will burn a bridge'

B: 'To hell with bridges. Burn 'em all!' Imagine bridges and a high powered flame thrower 🙂

And so on

Yes, my internal dialogue makes me sound like an insane woman completely out of control. It's the sage in me that keeps the bi*ch on a leash, you could say. The sage gives her some leeway but not so much as to completely tear someone apart. Actually, not true. It's happened a couple of times where she's come off the leash 🙂 Those times are when I've felt someone has gradually, completely and utterly destroyed me (really soul destroying stuff). And those are the times where people can't help but announce, out loud, 'You're an absolute bi*ch. You're completely insane!'. Perhaps the appropriate response should be 'And I have you to thank, for bringing out the best in me'.

I think, sometimes the best in us is that seemingly out of control sense of self who just won't tolerate one more thing. It's that sense of self that openly and clearly sets boundaries. While the people pleaser in us may plead with others to tone down confrontation, there's a feisty part of us which can be thinking at times 'Bring it on!' 🙂

[SisterG]

Good morning therising,

That is hilarious and so true. I have definitely found the bi*ch in me. I am so grateful and sad at the same time. Grateful that she is there and fed up and sometimes a bit sad that she is necessary. (More grateful though as I respect her greatly! 🙂 She is so clear on boundaries!! And a really good BS filter. She is new to me and very welcomed.

I hope things are going well with you - again and again your words resonate with me completely. 🙂

Take care,

SisterG