Is my view of life being affected by depression or do so change my life around to beat it?

[Piratebg]

Hello,

New member here but a life-long history of on and off clinical depression.

I should know by now but I don't trust my judgement when the blue is so deep.

I have a good life, according to most. On the outside it loos like this- a loving partner of 8 years, a child, 2 houses, a dog.

On the inside it's a different story: doubts of being the best parent I can be, a partner who is non-communicative and a person of habit (a total opposite to me).

It all started again some years ago when I gave birth. My life turned upside down. Health issues for me and baby, stress with moving to the country, no support. I have no family here and my partner's family is more stressful than helpful. Diagnosed with PND. medication. Counselling. The lot. It all helped me not be suicidal but the sadness, the disparity has never gone away. If I were an alcoholic, you'd call me a high functioning one. That's what I am with depression. I get things done but never feel good. I feel lost and lonely. I am sure many others do. Except I find absolutely no point in going on. I am here for my child. It's the only reason I'm still alive. But I can't help but wonder if I should change my life around- leave my partner, go home overseas to family, travel , do what I want. Or is it depression making me feel that my life is so crap?! My partner wouldn't move with us. We've discussed it. He'll never leave his comfort zone. Not even for his child. This was hurtful to realise. We moved to the country once baby was born so I am isolated from all my friends. Previously I had a great career. Now I have no job. First time in 20 years. Do I stay or leave. What will this do to my child?! He has a great bond with his dad.

I am so scared of doing something but so over not doing anything. It feels I have tried everything to beat this depression. Cognitive thinking training, psychologist weekly or fortnightly, medication, journal keeping, etc. You name it. It never goes away. It's exhausting. It makes me angry. Then it makes me numb to the whole world. It feels like I have been killed on the inside. Just a shell left that is on auto pilot every day.

Please tell me when it will stop. What can I do?

Thank you

[smallwolf]

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.

I am not a trained professional. I am just like you - just another user on the forum that suffers from anxiety and depression. I know someone (IRL) who suffered from PND, but otherwise not really familiar with it per se. She got professional help. I am listening and reading of the pain in your post. Your post seems to show a person wearing a mask? On the outside everything looks fine, but on the inside, it is a different picture? And you want to show your real self?

Additionally, I think/read that you have gone through some big changes in your life, and now trying to adjust to this new life with (perceived or otherwise) little support or connections. And now relapsing? So the question now becomes how you might be able to distract yourself and create new connections. Do you think that you could speak with your partner about how you are feeling?

FWIW,I was the non-communicative partner. Until I found out about my mental issues. It forced me to open up about how I was/am feeling.

- Have you looked at the K10 test on beyond blue? After answering a small number of questions it will give you a recommendation, what actions to take.
- Have you spoken to a GP about these thoughts? If you do, suggest a long or double visit.
- Or have you or do you see a psychologist? This will help you manage whatever issues are present.

I am not sure that I can answer your question, but to help you decide, I have some questions for you (below). Many of which you would be familiar with?

Do you know what your triggers are?
Do you have any distraction and coping mechanisms?
Are you sleeping OK? Good sleep hygiene can help reduce anxiety/depression?

On the forums you will find other threads to help you manage your anxiety including...

Grounding yourself, What is it and how do you? - Beyondblue
Relaxation exercises - Beyondblue

Do a google search to find the above pages. As you are probably aware, knowing what your triggers help you manage it. My psychologist has also given me other tools, suggested apps to install my phone (only 2) and a 1 book to read. If you have any questions or want to chat, please let me know.

Tim

[Piratebg]

Hi Tim,

Thanks for taking the time to reply and for your advice.

I have done the test. I score pretty high on it which is expected , 39 to be precise.

I have already made some attempts at making new connections. I have met people , other mums , in our small country town. However this does not make me happy. Pretty much nothing does except my son's affection yo me.

I have tried meditation, I have a good sleeping hygiene. 3 weeks ago my son started sleeping through so I've been getting 7 hours of sleep which is a massive step up from the 2 I was previously getting.

I don't really have an outlet. As I don't enjoy anything I used to.

Meditation is something I keep trying but I find it very difficult. My mind just doesn't stop.

My friends and partner know about my depression but they don't understand it. Neither do I. Like I said, I shouldn't really have a reason to feel the way I feel. It just doesn't make sense. My partner would listen to me but he never really talks , can't really have serious conversations with him. He just doesn't know what to do to help me. I often feel that I have caused him to be depressed to and that he'd be better off without me in the long run.

[LavenderTea]

Hello & welcome

Living with depression for years must be difficult. Depression can interfere with your daily routines, relationships, and many other aspects of living. When you’ve lived with depression for a while, it’s hard to know whether you need a lifestyle change or a break in the cycle of depression. It’s about finding the balance that works for you – that will be different for everyone.

You have doubts about being the best parent you can be, but reading your post makes me think you are a great parent. You’ve lived through PND and get the help that you need in order to be a functioning parent. It’s also very clear to me that you care about your son. You worry about what the consequences of leaving will be to your child, and what it will mean for the relationship he has with his father. To me this sounds like you are trying your best.

Wow. All of that at once must have been a massive lifestyle change. Having a good support network is necessary for anyone, let alone for someone who is becoming a first-time parent. Having a support network is really important, and it doesn’t sounds like you have much support at this current point in time.

Having that conversation about moving and realising those things about your partner must have been really hard. You say that he is generally non-communicative – have you tried to talk to him about other things you might want (a career for example)?
It sounds like you’re really lonely, and feeling really empty. You say that you’re only alive because of your child. This is a little worrying, but you also say that you do have other options – you want to see your family, you want to travel, and do whatever else you want – hold on to those too.

I’m not sure how old your son is now, but have you considered joining a support group? You could try to build up a support network for yourself by joining a local mothers group, a playgroup, or even just a support group for other individuals with depression. This might help you build more relationships, which you can then develop into friendships. If your son is old enough that he is enrolled in preschool, perhaps you could consider asking other parents if they want to grab a coffee sometime… or even think about rekindling your career aspirations. You say that you’re high functioning, that you get things done… you can do it!

In the meantime, if you need more immediate assistance, please contact helplines like Lifeline (13 11 14), or even emergency services (000).

LT.

[therising]

Hi Piratebg

I feel for you, I really do. PND can be soul destroying and sleep deprivation just exacerbates things (glad you're finally getting some good sleep). I experienced depression in the years leading up to having my first child and all the way through 'til after having my second. After my 2nd, a fantastic health centre sister encouraged me to go along to PND group therapy in my local area. Hesitant at first about letting a group of strangers know how dysfunctional I was but the whole experience changed my life. By the time the sessions came to a close, my 15 year battle with depression had finally ended. A miracle! Still a few manageable downers here and there but nothing like the old days.

I was never a mother's group gal (didn't want to hear about how 'great' things were for those amazing high functioning women, watching and hearing them laughing as I was crying inside). I was sleep deprived, having to use a bottle pretty much from day one for both my kids (yes, I saw myself as 'dried up' in more ways that one) and I just couldn't relate to my babies like a doting mother should. The PND group was a wonderful soulful experience filled with women who all felt pretty much the same way. We actually joked about how 'messed up' we were. We felt 'normal' and accepted for the first time because of each other's support. A PND group could be something you could investigate. If they meet once a week, it's a chance for you travel out of town on a purposeful mission.

Also, wondering if it's possible for you to take a time out and visit family and friends on a holiday. Take your son so that everyone can share in the joy of seeing him. Perhaps this will also give your husband a chance to miss the both of you as well as giving you a break from his family. He sounds like things are pretty much the way he wants them at the moment (in his comfort zone) but what about you and your mental health?! Perhaps the idea is to leave temporarily for good reason and then come back each time, such as with therapy or a holiday. Leaving doesn't have to be a permanent consideration at this point. Perhaps the call to travel you hear has a purpose behind it.

Gaining a sense of direction as you step foot on that path of acquiring a new and healthy identity can be somewhat adventurous. The first step on that path can define you as 'the adventurer'.

Take care