Introducing myself

[Ann64]

I’m a 53 yo female, 6 years ago I was raped, last year I got the courage to finally report it, I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd, anxiety, adjustment disorder, I also crps (complex regional pain syndrome) from an unrelated injury, I have a great councillor, we are doing scheama therapy atm, I find it so hard to trust men, there are only a few men I feel safe with, the last year I have felt safe enough to start dating again, i thought I was doing ok, once I get close to a guy the anxiety creeps in, fight or flight mode takes over, Panic attacks, I’ve dated 2 guys, they both ran for the hills when I put up boundaries to protect myself, Both times I was open and honest with the guys, told them that I was raped, it’s really hard to find a guy who understands what trauma I went through, I’m wasnt asking for sympathy or validation, wasn’t asking to be rescued, just understanding and a safe place to land

[geoff]

Hello Ann, can I welcome you to the forums and I'm so sincerely sorry for what's happened, this is something that I do truly hate in all circumstances, just as I detest any type of abuse, it should never happen, my apologies?

It would take an enormous amount of strength to go to the police and report it, I hope you had someone who could give you some sort of support.

Setting the boundaries for these two guys would mean that would have to understand and appreciate what an awful experience you have had to endure and by doing this would mean that eventually, some compassion between the two of you would finally eventuate.

This would take time and only go at your own pace, so please get talking to us, and again my deepest sorrow to you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Ann,

I’m so sorry that happened to you. The pain and trauma from it must have been/be excruciating. Like Geoff, my heart also goes out to you...

I completely agree with him that reporting it was (is) enormously brave as I don’t think it’s an easy thing to do. I hope you’re feeling proud of yourself, because that is a truly courageous decision...

I think a lot of people who have been raped struggle with trust issues, so it must have been particularly disheartening when those men recoiled/became scared when you opened up. I feel that would have really hurt...

Here on the forums, I hope you’ll find understanding and some feelings of safety. I know it’s not the same as offline interactions, but we are here for you, and you’re welcome to share anything you like with us.

Kind and comforting thoughts,

Pepper

[Ann64]

Yesterday was a terrible day, my guy friend ended our friendship, he accused me of controlling him because I had boundaries in place, when he tried to step over those boundaries, I made sure he knew it wasn’t ok, today I realised, he wasn’t the right guy for me, living with ptsd after a rape is a nightmare at times, trust issues of men, I question and doubt my judgement, I question why is this guy pursuing me, what does he want from me, the last few months have been great, I finally felt like I wasn’t in fight or flight mode, then these two guys triggered it again, obviously they were not meant for me, it is a huge leap of faith to allow myself vulnerable, some days I get angry that my rape changed me, I feel like I’m greiving the old me, The last year in counseling has been confronting, challenging, I decided I wanted my power back, my voice, my self worth, I want everything back that that guy took from me, and not let my rape make me a victim

[startingnew]

Hi Ann and welcome

Well done for reaching out for support as i know how tough that is. i came here too seeking help for unwanted sexual encounters. Please know that your trauma doesnt define who you are, it has taken me a long time to come to know that it wasnt my fault and that despite how horrific it was it doesnt mean that is who i am, thats the same for you too.

Im really glad to read that you have a great counsellor who your comfortable in talking with, it can make the world of difference cant it.

I relate to alot of what you said including the trust issues, grieving for the old me, getting angry about it, and the fear that comes. sometimes its like constant alarm bells esp when being around men, i havent been brave enough or felt safe enough to date yet so i do commend you on even giving that ago.

You are a true survivor xox

Please know that im here for you with a listening and understanding ear if you ever need to talk. im only to happy to share anything that i have learnt or have experienced myself to let you know that your not alone.