Introducing Myself

[Rbilsy15]

Hello,

My name is Richard and I am a 32 year old teacher that struggles massively with anxiety. I have recently started a new job and have struggled to settle in, leaving me worried about my own mental health and how it is effecting those around me. I have lived interstate and overseas and worked as a teacher for 10 years and have started numerous jobs. I often worry about the work I am doing and an EAP has identified I might have Imposter Syndrome.

I have currently been in this new role for a term and struggled from day one to the point I was in tears and had to force myself to get in the car and go to work. I find it difficult to build new friendships with people and am very shy as I care too much about what others opinions are of me. The term continued to be hard and I took a few days of for mental health. I informed my line manager that I was struggling though received little support from them as they where young and seemed inexperienced in dealing with such cases. I have recently found out that the school goes through large turnover each year which has also added to my concern. My room itself is at the farthest end of the school and not in a block which also leads me to feeling isolated from those around me as well as there is zero phone reception in the room so I can't even contact friends or my partner to discuss how I am feeling.

The job is also effecting the rest of my life. I was an avid basketball player and played 3 times a week socially with friends as well as going to the gym. I find I can't enjoy these things as I get thoughts I am wasting time enjoying myself that I should be doing work to perfect everything. My partner is very supportive though I can feel I am not being a great boyfriend to her as I was in the past and she is worried about my mental health.

Tomorrow I go back to work and I am dreading it. I know if I left I would be happy but I am not sure of the process involved as well as the fact I despise confrontation and letting people down. I often hope that something would happen out of my control that would prevent me from facing this and going in to work.

Apologies for the long message but it was good to get out how I am feeling in some form.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Rbilsy,

I really feel for your struggles. I know anxiety can be debilitating and take a huge toll on a person. Your work environment sounds like a very lonely place to be, and you sound very down, discouraged and stressed.

I know your work related stress and anxiety is emotionally seeping into many other areas of your life. That must be very rough...I feel your exhaustion...

I’m glad you have such a supportive partner though. I know that can make a world of difference and she clearly cares about you a lot. That being said, I also understand that you’re perhaps feeling a little guilty about maybe not being as present for her as you like to be (at the moment at least).

I suppose when it comes to relationships, there are times when 1 person needs support more than the other. Then as situations change, it’s reversed. I know you’re probably doing this anyway, but maybe keep it in your mind to try to always make your appreciation of her known e.g. always thank her, send her messages to express your appreciation, etc.

I suppose what I’m getting at is while you’re leaning on her more at the moment, I feel those small gestures can help. But those are just my ideas, so they may or may not be helpful...I’ll leave it entirely up to you of course 🙂

About your job, I understand you’re dreading returning to it. I wonder if you have considered looking for other jobs as things sound bad at your current job. I feel it’s less stressful, in many ways, to look for a job while you have a job (financial stability). I wonder if that is something you might be interested in doing...

Thanks again for opening up here. I hope writing that was cathartic for you, and if you feel like sharing anything else (but no pressure), there are many supportive/kind people reading along here.

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Rbilsy15]

Thank you for the reply.

I am very fortunate to have people around me that are supportive though I feel with everything going on I am more of a burden on them and not my old cheerful self. My partner is currently away from work and being alone in the house has not been a fun experience.

I couldn't bring myself to go to work today as I just couldn't put myself through the anxiety. I used to be really passionate about my job and enjoy teaching and this feeling is so foreign to me. I feel like a failure in my job and unable to help others or the children. I know I would be happier if I left my job but I am unaware of the process involved and continue to second guess my decision as I feel I would be letting everyone down and putting their priority ahead of my own mental health.

As mentioned, I hate confrontation and will accept what comes and not questions much to my own detriment. I can even predict what will happen if I have that conversation about leaving. They will offer some assistance which I know deep down won't help and is too late at this point but I will give in and stay.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Rbilsy,

You strike me as a very thoughtful, sensitive and self aware person. I think it’s beautiful how appreciative you are of your partner 🙂

But I do feel saddened by how you said you feel like a “burden.” I think it can sometimes be hard to ask for & receive help, especially when it can feel a bit “one sided.” If it helps give you the slightest comfort, sometimes I feel it’s an honour for loved ones (e.g. your gorgeous partner) to feel needed and to be able to give support.

Also, I think relationships aren’t a strict record-keeping spreadsheet of who helps who more/less. At the moment, maybe you need more help from her. But in the future, things might shift...and perhaps she will need more help from you. I suppose what I’m saying is perhaps try to let yourself be taken care of for a bit...I know, I know...much easier said than done...

It must be hard to feel as though you have lost some of your old spark for your job. Yesterday sounds very rough, and it sounds like you needed a rest day...and that’s okay too sometimes.

I feel you’re clearly very insightful about your work situation. I understand that you know the “drill”, so to speak. Is it okay if I ask, do you think you have lost your passion because of this particular job, or if it’s for the teaching profession in general?

It’s just that I think there’s a world of difference between the 2, and maybe clarifying it for yourself can help you figure out your next step. Just me sharing my thoughts...I hope that’s okay.

Thanks again for opening up. It’s good to hear from you again.

Kindness & care,

Pepper

[Rbilsy15]

Hi there,

Thank you for the reply. It is nice to read some kind words these days. I truly appreciate the support I am receiving from all areas and I know I would offer the same for my partner and hope I can get through this and show her my appreciation more as I will not forget what she has done for me.

In response to your question, I feel I have lost passion becuase of this particular job. I know I am a good teacher as I have had great experiences in the past and when I left previous school they tried everything I could to keep me from leaving and I was gutted to go. The environment is very isolating and when the children leave I am alone in my room overthinking everything and getting in a state. I feel when I am teaching it is a distraction of my problems and not an actual feeling of doing okay. Like I need to perform for them as if i show my real emotions it would be more problematic. Financially I am okay to leave and start fresh as a relief teacher to regain that passion for my role.

I attempted today to try and leave my role through several meetings. As expected they offered me support which I feel was too late and would have been useful 8 weeks ago when I first brought all this up. In the end I caved and opted to give it a few more weeks but the moment the meeting was over I regretted my decision and felt like I gave in so I didn't disappoint someone else instead of putting my own mental needs first. I wish I had someone in there with me who could step in and say that I need to quit and can't be talked out of it.Sadly wishful thinking.