Im lost

[Corella]

Hey

I dont really know where to begin. Ive gone over everything in my head. Im lonely. Im 40 and single and never had a proper relationship. Ive been a good person. Ive been nice to people. Ive ended up alone no friends. Im tired. Ive struggled with depression, anxiety, ocd and being a good person. Wheres my return for all my struggles, wheres my love, children and happiness. Im 40...im depressed and don know how this can improve.

[Tasa83]

Hi there,

I feel very similar. I am a bit younger but I am alone. I cant keep a boyfriend or a job or a friend and I struggle with BiPolar, anxiety and chronic pain.

for me personally I make goals and lists and this works for me in the short term. It may not work for everyone but I find it helps me focus and get out of bed. I give myself a few tasks each day and some rest time and feel a little less pointless.

I also am part of a support group where I have met some like minded people that I can vent to without judgement and I find these forums can really help.

Can you tell me more about you? Do you have pets? Are you working? What is your fav tv show?

[geoff]

hi Corella, deep down I'm sure you are a good and caring person, but at the moment your depression, anxiety and OCD have made you feel as though as you don't have any friends, that's this illness telling you this, so why don't you start by posting on here where you will meet people who want to be your friend, already you have 2 friends and that's a good start.

People come onto this site with great apprehension wondering what sort of reaction they will get but it's a friendly site where we all want to know is that we have friends who we can talk to.

Remember most, if not all of us have been through our own terrible and long periods of depression so all we want to do is help those new comers who are also struggling. Geoff.

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hi Corella,

I feel your pain! I’m 39, chronically single, not a lot of friends and struggle awfully with loneliness, depression and anxiety.

A horrible combination! Depression exacerbates the loneliness and social anxiety prevents interactions with people. It can all feel really overwhelming!

Im glad that you have reached out and posted here though, it shows courage to take that first step.

I never thought that I would be approaching 40 with my life the way it is. It has been hard to accept that this is where I’m at, instead of wanting, wishing, yearning for something different or to be in a better place. To look at everyone else around and think how easy they have it, when will it be my turn?

What I’ve learnt though is all of those thoughts mean nothing without taking action. And it is really hard to take action, to overcome the misery and negativity. But ultimately, we have to be the ones to make change to move forward.

Have you spoken with your GP or anyone about how you are feeling? It can be scary and daunting I know. Sometimes what we are going through is more than we can handle on our own though, so seeking help is necessary to move forward.

Do you feel comfortable telling us a little more about yourself? Do you have a job or any hobbies that you enjoy?

Great to meet you! Wishing you peace and harmony 🙂

FL

[Corella]

Thanks for replying. I find each of your replies helpful.

tasa83 you have a good idea to list some goals. What kind of goals for example ? I work, which makes me push myself be be productive. Idont have hobbies..but started to go to gym. I like comedy sitcoms. Everyone loves raymond, frasier. Sorey to hear you experience bipolar and anxiety. Does the chronic pain come from that?

Geoff i appreciate that we have similar experiences. People wirh illnesses are stronger than we think. I dont know where i could meet new friends. To be honest i feel very little urge to speak with anyone right now. I have always tried to ne positive and im tired. Today i went to a bday and spoke little. Its like i dont care but i should. No ones gonna make friends for me.

Feeling lonely you are right we cant change without action. You get what it means at this age. Im so shattered what if i dont have kids..what happened to my life...i am full of regret. But whats it good for i cant return to past. Lots of factors made me single. I dont feel that i belong anywhere and missed out. My faith helps me. Thats a situation thing. Ive had mental illness all my life. I havent had depression for a long time.

I wish you all some peace and thx for ur helpful words.

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hey Corella,

oh yeah, similar age, I’ve felt that biological clock ticking. I went through a really hard time in my mid 30’s with what I perceived as society’s expectations of me.

Ive come to accept that I won’t likely have my own children. It involved a major grieving process. I know it’s not too late, but given I don’t know how to have a healthy relationship with a man, I can’t see it happening!

I am fearful of being lonelier in my older years and having no one to look after me. But I haven’t given up hope of meeting a partner and maybe (hopefully) he will already have kids and I’ll get to be step mum and step nana and not be alone forever.

I still question myself constantly over the children debate... but it is a little out of my control unfortunately. 😞

[Corella]

You are a voice of reason FL. What do u mean by griving process? I can't accept it that i wont have a kid. I havent come to terms with it and its making me sick. I havent had a proper relationship probably due to my mental issues. I find it agonizing to watch other ppl half my age have kids an find partners. It could of been me. Ive had to go through depression anxiety and ocd. They won. I failed. I thought i probably shouldnt have kids if i got ocd. I wondered how on earth id handle them..i felt i was inferior to others. So stupid. Im not inferior. Ive screwed up. I didnt try hard enough.

Im sorry i know that its not the end all..and mean no disrespect to others.

Im sad 😞

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hi Corella,

What I mean by a grieving process is taking time to grieve the life I thought I would have. I thought that I would be married with kids by now, but I’m not and it seems unlikely to happen. I did a lot of soul searching and came to the conclusion that I would be unlikely to have my own children. I can’t afford to do it on my own and go through artificial insemination / IVF nor do I think I would want to raise a child alone, parenting is hard! Doing it by myself frightens me and since I don’t have someone in my life to have a child with, I concluded that I am unlikely to. I had to let go of that idea (for me) and it felt like saying goodbye to a loved one. I needed to spend time grieving the loss of the life I wanted and accept the life I have. I’m not sure I’ve explained that well but I hope it makes sense.

Instead I try to focus on living a happy, positive life and being the best person I can be. I hope that once I reach this place and learn to love, respect and value myself, that I will attract a partner who will also love, respect and value me. Potentially he will already have children or potentially we could still have a child (depending when I meet this magical man!), but it is no longer dominating my thoughts and my actions.

Of course I understand that the maternal desire is far stronger in others and I hope that I don’t wake up in 10 years time and regret my decision, but this feels right for me.

I don’t know what your personal situation is and whether you have family and friends (and money) to support you to have a child on your own, but it is a possibility if the desire to have a baby is so strong. Other alternatives are to look into adoption or foster care. Whilst the child won’t be biologically yours, it is still a child who needs love and a family.

I don’t think it’s healthy to be angry with yourself. I can see how difficult this is for you and how much you are hurting. Regarding your mental illness, do you have any strategies in place to manage this? I think it is important to try and get yourself into a positive place, to manage your illness and build confidence to start dating. The dating world can be brutal though (believe me, I know how horrible it can be), so it is so important to make sure that you have built your strength, confidence and resilience to go down that path.

It is so difficult to deal with, when you want a particular outcome, but it is so far out of our control. That’s why it is important to focus on yourself.

[Tasa83]

Hello again,

I set all kinds of goals. Daily - clean kitchen, study one chapter, go for a short walk, Weekly - fix cabinets, contact mental health team, swim, have one fun outing that is not a doc appointment or shopping, Yearly goals - Finish my Diploma, start running a support group and make 2 new friends...etc

The chronic pain is seperate from the mental illnesses. I just got lucky. But I try to use my experiences to write books and share with others to maybe help them through their tough times.

hope you are well.

Tasa

[MissMySon]

Hi Corella,

Sad to hear that you are feeling down. I relate to your story very much. I'm now 43, but up until I was 38 I had never had a relationship, or had sex for that matter. I had watched all of my friends get "hitched", and wondered why not me. I'm pretty sure that the movie The 40yr old virgin was a documentary about me. I also found myself being the "guy to call" whenever anyone moved house, had problems, or needed money. I started to feel used, until I realised I was setting myself up by always saying yes.

I worked on overcoming barriers, found someone online, and am now the proud dad to a 4 year old.

So, in essence, I'm saying that if you want to find love, be proactive, join hobby groups, or try online, outside of usual circles. And good luck.

Cheers, Scott.