I'm tired of the effects of mental, physical and sexual abuse as a child that still impact me as an adult

[debdetdut]

I know I'm not the only one dealing with this torment, but I feel so alone constantly. There is a certain amount of "help" available but it's just so draining to always be reminded that it's all up to me to make myself feel better after being brought up to believe I am worthless and have no support from friends (partly because I can't let anyone close) or family ( mostly because they gave me to an abusive family and don't want to deal with that on their conscience) which makes me feel it happened because I'm a difficult person. I know in my head that logically it's not true, but I'm just tired of trying to convince myself. Living feels like a battle almost every day. I know I should be thankful for the good stuff in my life, but I just find it hard sometimes to be every support person for myself, and feel jealous sometimes of others who are loved by many and yet have no appreciation for the people who support their every move, even when they mess up. I'm 47 now and just tired of being my only support. I hope someone else can relate to this

[mmMekitty]

Hello debdetdut,

I wanted to say 'hello & welcome to the forums'. I am sure you will find people here who do understand very well the ongoing sense of isolation & constant struggle to just keep going day after day.

One of the best things about doing the work of caring for ourselves is that when we decide to do anything for ourselves, is that in making the decision we are deciding we are worth the effort, we are worthwhile people, deserving of the better treatment we can give to ourselves, even if not a single person around us seems to think so - we do, & that we do is the only important opinion that matters.

This is a power we have - to make decisions about our own lives, our health, our future.

Those people made a lot of mistakes; they were wrong or incapable of caring & nurturing a child. It's not anything you did, or a fault from within yourself that you were treated so poorly.

It's not easy to find those people, who will be of support through the long term effects of the treatment you've survived. We, here, can try.

BB also has a phone counselling service on 1300 22 46 36, if you need more immediate support, because replies here may not be as quick as you'd like.

My warmest thoughts to you,

mmMekitty

[debdetdut]

Thankyou for your words, it's nice to not feel completely alone

[geoff]

Hello Debdetdut, I'm sorry for the way you feel, but when you keep trying to convince can at times be good, but on the other hand not so good, simply because if you doubt yourself could mean that you're not so confident in making a decision or frightened of any consequences.

Be brave to know that any decisions you have made have been done by experience from any previous events.

It's always good to have support when doing this, but there are times when you know you have made the best possible decision that will benefit you when you are by yourself, because every time you want to do this, you can't have someone to support you.

When you are able to do this, then you can cope on your own, but it doesn't suddenly happen, it means gaining your strength slowly.

Geoff.

[debdetdut]

I find it hard to understand what you are saying

[debdetdut]

I am tired of being strong

[geoff]

Hello Debdetdut, trying to be strong when you are suffering from this certainly doesn't compare to the strength somebody has when they feel on top of the world, and you will only discover this once you feel OK.

Becoming strong doesn't happen immediately, you need to start from the bottom and slowly work yourself up, it's like being able to climb the stairs after you have broken a leg and your family won't help you after giving you to an abusive family.

You don't have be strong just yet, give yourself some time to establish yourself, and if you want re-read my reply, something might help you.

Geoff.

[mmMekitty]

Hi debdetdut,

I had no choice but to make my way through my teenage years & on through the next 3 decades, expecting no help or support. I never believed I could find anyone who would care, no one I could trust so much. I thought I had, sometimes, & was let down or betrayed. I have had to learn to keep myself safe, to living on my own, to realising that even when I made mistakes, I could learn something each time, & feel more able to deal with life better. In many small ways, I am more capable than I once was.

I made decisions about how much to spend on rent, food, clothing, everything, learning to weigh up what I needed against what I wanted, given the limited money I have... that's part of growing up,. It's like, even though I wanted to bury myself in books & music, because doing that meant I could keep many very unpleasant thoughts & feelings from surfacing, I had to limit how many books, (especially new) & how much music I could buy, unless I wanted to get into debt. I decided NO debt.

& now I feel good about these decisions. Very happily not in debt to anyone.

But sure, there are days, when another decision needs to be made & I am so tired, wanting so much for someone to come along & make the decisions for me. Not just the most immediately important one, but, please, do it all for me, I think. Then I might not like the result... & it would make me seem like a little child again, unable to even decide which cereal to have for breakfast, taking too long, & someone taking the decision away from me... & I realise I don't want anyone taking my right to decide things for myself away from me!

I feel more grown up when I make decisions for myself. I feel I have more control over what happens in my life. I go shopping (online) & buy the cereal I want. These are my rights as an adult.

I also have the right to find & see a GP I can talk to & trust, any other health care professional too... I have chosen to spend some money seeing my Psychiatrist, & not go to the public system for that. I also see my Ophthalmologist in private practice, too. It took me years to imagine I really am worth prioritising my own health very highly amongst everything I could be spending money on. My dental health is also very important. To keep my remaining teeth in my head, I think I would go into debt for that. My experience going to public dental health taught me I am worth better care than they gave me.

Experience & making decisions teaches us we can trust ourselves.

mmMekitty❤️