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[Annika_Joy]

Hi I am new to BB and to forums in general.

I am currently experiencing great sadness as a result of what my doctor calls an overwhelming load of grief. I support my elderly parents (demanding father with Aspergers and mother with end stage dementia), and have an adult child who has a serious mental illness and keeps cutting off contact with me for months at a time. I have only seen her children a few times, for an hour or so each time.

I have no friends, as I seem to always attract people who need help, then ditch me when their crisis is over.

The lights in my life are my son's family who love me very much.

I am particularly interested in seeing posts by people with adult children with mental illness who cut off communication repeatedly for no apparent reason. I am also interested in any posts about domestic violence, including how to get over the harm done to your children after the family court ignores their evidence and forces them to spend unsupervised time with sexually, physically and emotionally abusive father.

Thank you for making these forums available.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Annika Joy

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I am also a carer for an adult child with a mental health condition, anxiety and OCD. My situation is somewhat different though, as my daughter and I are very close, we live together in our family home and have never lost contact.

Like you, I also have caring responsibilities for my elderly mum who has terminal cancer (although this is long distance, so there's travel and daily phone calls) and my father-in-law with dementia.

I understand your grief. I understand how tired you are. And I understand the toll this type of caring, worry and responsibility takes on a person.

I realise I'm not exactly the person you want to hear from but I still wanted to reach out a hand of friendship to let you know someone cares. Also by responding, your post gets bumped up and hopefully others will join in.

I have found self-care to be essential to my survival. Reading, walking, going to the gym and being with friends. How about you? What helps you to cope?

Kind thoughts to you

[Annika_Joy]

Thank you for responding Summer Rose. I am feeling really lonely having noone to talk to. You sound like a lovely person and I am so sorry about your mum. My parents are 10 hours drive away, so I understand about the travel!

I have started going to aqua classes where there are a lot of people who seem friendly. They have invited me to join them for coffee sometime, but this takes courage I don't have at the moment. I read a lot and have just started studying a course with no exams or essays etc.

I am trying really hard to find ways to deal with my grief and insomnia. This morning instead of lying in bed being sad I got up at 4:30am and decided to put lavender oil into playdough and play with it. Crazy heh! But it was great! Squishy and silly, with a relaxing smell.

As you can see, I am willing to try anything to get free of this so any suggestions gratefully accepted.

Thank you again for your kindness

[White_Rose]

Dear Annika Joy

Hello and welcome. Like Summer Rose I thank you for sharing your story.

I do not have the care of anyone in the way you describe. I do care about my children and grandchildren but I know it is not the same. Domestic violence is a horrible place to be and I gather this violence came from your husband/partner. For you and your children to be exposed to this is very bad and I offer you my heartfelt regrets that you have had this experience. I gather you are no longer with this person.

Have you contacted any agencies to help with this bad part of your life? If not may I suggest you contact https://www.1800respect.org.au or https://www.whiteribbon.org.au › find-help › domestic-violence-hotlines These are the people who can offer specific help in your situation.

It's great you have joined an aqua class and started to make friends with the swimmers there. It's hard to make friends quickly which I believe is true for everyone. It is also true that some of us find it harder than others. I do get that you are used by others for support then left which is very painful. Can we tell who will do this before we become friends? Probably not easily, especially when we are people who are willing to help others.

I feel the only certain way is to totally ignore anyone who appears to be asking for help. Well this is not very satisfactory to most of us. In general we do care for and about others. We can take friendship very gently and become friends slowly. Also talk to several people so that you do not become dependent on one person. It can be a bit scary and the memory of past encounters may intrude a few times. Sadly there is no sure way to make friends with those who genuinely want your friendship without some nervousness.

What course are you doing? I have just finished an eight week course on pastoral care which was very good. I have been working in pastoral care for several years and need to be aware of possible friendships outside of my voluntary work. Being friendly and supportive without trying to be a member of the family so to speak, can be a trap.

Playing with lavender scented playdough sounds great. I have never thought of this. Sometimes being a little squishy and silly does wonders for the relief of pain. I know when my parents died I grieved for them for a long time. My parents lived in the UK and I am in Australia.

These are the regrets we carry and sadly we cannot change them. It will get easier I promise.

Mary

[Annika_Joy]

Hi White Rose

Thank you so much for replying. Your suggestion to call RESPECT was so helpful. I didn't realise I could talk to them because it was so long ago. I live alone now, so not in danger any more, but recent events, including physical diseases due to long term internalised stress have brought everything flooding back. I called them today and the counsellor was really good. She gave me a lot of helpful links. I really appreciate you suggesting this.

My course is in the Bible Wisdom Literature. I have already found a lot of help from just reading the wisdom books and am looking forward to understanding them more.

Years ago, I was taught that a white rose means peace. Thank you for helping me on my way to peace, White Rose.

[Bernice_F]

Hi Annika, hope, you'll find a lot of support here

[Annika_Joy]

Thank you Bernice

[Summer Rose]

Hi Annika Joy

Thank you so much for the compliment and kind words. You made my day!

Totally understand you not being up to coffee with the group from the pool. It does take courage and I feel you'll likely accept the invitation when you're ready.

The nice thing about group's like that is that they don't know you. I realise that sounds strange but it means you don't have to share anything you don't want to. You can just be you, prattle on about anything, problem-free for an hour and have some fun. Does that make sense to you?

I love the idea of playing with lavender-scented playdough. I reckon you could market that and make a fortune.

One of my favorite de-stressers is to make a cup of tea and make my way out onto my deck to watch the night sky. So calming, so healing.

I started this habit when my daughter was really sick and the only time I got a break was when she was sleeping. It's kind of stuck and I'm glad. Have you heard from your daughter lately? No pressure to answer, only if you want to talk about it.

Kind thoughts to you

[White_Rose]

Hello Annika and a wave to Summer Rose

Thank you for your lovely reply. I always feel honoured I can help and support someone.

I did not know the meaning of a white rose. Thank you for telling me.

Long term hurt can resurface at the most inconvenient time, although I guess it is always inconvenient. Getting help to finally lay it to rest will be good. It may take some time but knowing you are on the right path is consoling and gives you hope.

Long term stress does all sorts of unpleasant things to our bodies. Something happening in one part always affects the whole body. The good part is knowing you can get over it. Reading books can be a tremendous help. Do you have a favourite corner where you can sit with your book and a cuppa? I recently started a course which I thought was for one year and then discovered it was four years. I have made an area with a table in my home where I keep all the materials including a book rest as some of the books are heavy. Always good that I can leave everything there without the need to put it away. Helps me to get into my reading etc without needing to set up every time.

Summer Rose, I love the idea of sitting on the deck to watch the night sky. It certainly puts our difficulties in perspective. As I live in Qld I need to make sure I do not get carried away in pieces by the mosquitoes but it is lovely to listen to the quiet.

Annika, have you read Coyote Wisdom or Coyote Healing both written by Lewis Mehl-Madrona. I have enjoyed these. The course I am doing will is understanding the bible. We have started with the Old Testament.

I tell myself that any water activity would be good for me and help increase my fitness but it's a bit cold for me. I do go to an exercise class every week which is helping me get fitter. Of course if I did the exercises at home as well I would get fit much faster. Sigh.

As Summer Rose has said, you do not need to tell any of the ladies in your aqua class anything about your difficulties. Let any friendship develop quietly. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy as the caring side of out characters wants to offer help. If you can stand back a little and observe it will be easier for you.

I hope you have a pleasant day.

Mary

[Lyla_E]

hi my name is Lyla I am also new to BB but have been involved in other forums before.