Hi Everyone

[RosiePoss]

Hello to everyone,

My name is Rose and I am over 45 years old. I have depression and anxiety. I work as an instrumental music teacher and do part time work at a University during the semesters.

I was a bullied at school when I was a child. I was at a large public primary school and everyone in my year level seemed to hate me. It started when I was about 9 or 10. It did not go away. Not really. Since then, I have gone through a fairly tumultuous journey. I was not diagnosed properly with depression until I was in my late twenties (yes it took that long back then). By the time I was thirty, I was also suffering from severe anxiety. I was studying violin at University. My lecturer, someone that I put a great deal of personal trust in, was a bully. He set impossible and unrealistic practice tasks and then sat back and watched me fail. He put me through hoops that he did no expect of other students. He also lied to me. When I was coming up to my third year performance assessment, I began to feel the pressure building . I ended up vomiting up breakfast, lunch and dinner up for 6 weeks. I ended up quitting the course. Fifteen years later, the anxiety returned, again in relation to performance- this time for a teaching degree. I didn't finish that either.

But don't feel sorry for me. It took a long time, but I am really getting my stuff together now. I have a great psychiatrist, managing my medications and I see him once a month. We do standard CBT together. He works with my psychologist. With her, I work on Schema therapy, one that deals with the deep seated problems as a result of being bullied at school. I am focused on being well. I have medications that work reliably. I work at being well every day.

And should I have a relapse- they happen- I am still fine. I had the experience, last year, of going through a stretch of vomiting. I had a few days off work. Then, I couldn't stand it anymore. It was the hardest thing in the world, but I went back into work. I told my boss (and only my boss) what the problem was. She did not have a problem. I got support. Although I felt as if was going to throw up and faint, I went to work anyway. I got through it. I will if it happens again.

I think one of the biggest problems that I have had to overcome, is learning to trust people once more. So, things can take a long time. They can go up and down like the sea-saw from hell. But you get better if you work at it.

Thanks for reading.

Rose

[Guest_4093]

Rose,

I find it encouraging to read stories like yours as it is all to familiar to me as well, when my anxiety peaks, my days start with vomiting and not wanting to go into work, then I try and encourage myself to get through it and take my challenges on... Usually now when I do get in to work things lighten up and the day gets better.

I too was bullied alot in childhood and am only now ( I am 40 now) starting to understand how the erosion of confidence and self doubt has moulded my persona.

Thank you for sharing.

Andrew

[MarkJT]

Rose, welcome to the forums, it is great to have you hear. You are now part of a very caring community.

For the first half of your post i was thinking that you must be one hell of a strong and resilient woman to get through what you have in your life.

Then i read the second half of your story and my thoughts were confirmed. You have it together. I just so love reading posts where people have gone through hard times and then they have picked themselves up and taken control of their life. This is you. Great work!!

Learning to trust again is a difficult one and one that is built over time. These things cannot be rushed. I reckon with this one, you need to trust your gut instinct. Generally speaking, if you feel that something is not right, it will not be right.

Again, welcome to the forums. Have a good look around as there is a whole heap of threads and information to take in.

Mark.

[RosiePoss]

Hi Andrew,

Thanks for your lovely reply. I am really glad that you felt encouraged by reading my story.

I think the key on the days when your stomach is rolling, is to keep reminding yourself that the nausea is temporary- it will pass. I always found that around morning tea time I was able to have a few crackers and a glass of water, even if I was vomiting earlier in the morning. By lunch I was generally able to eat something more substantial.

Mindfulness also helps. Focusing on small tasks. Tiny stuff- focusing on what I was holding in my hand, then what I was going to do with that object, then what I was going to deal with next. A few times I even counted the steps from the car to the office. That was the kind of thing in the worst times that kept me going. Then, at the end of the day, I wrote down how much I had achieved that day.

Also, it helped me to realize that the combination I have of depression and anxiety is common to people of above average intelligence that are very creative.

What works for you?

When I first got anxiety I thought I would never play an instrument or teach music again. I couldn't open the case of my violin or listen to music. i teach, play the violin, the viola, a bit of piano and listen to music.

I still have to work at being well every day. You can't change your past, but it doesn't have to rule your future. I still have bad days, but I know what triggers the anxiety.

Thanks again for your reply.

Rose

[RosiePoss]

Hi Mark,

Thanks so much for your reply! I felt really encouraged by it. It is great to have someone call me 'resilient'. I have heard the opposite so many times.

I think you are right about gut instinct in regard to trusting people. I think also, what has helped me a bit is recognizing people who are bullies and that they often aren't mentally healthy either.

Also, when they are unavoidable (because you have to work with them or whatever) that I don't have to take on the role of 'victim' that they have marked me out for. I don't have to be rude or offensive. But I can be the 'strong adult' in the room and use my intelligence to protect the vulnerable side of myself.

I find these help me a lot.

Thanks again.

Rose

[Guest_4093]

Rose,

What works for me more and more these days is trying to enjoy the present, the right here right now. Mainly simple little things like recognizing this afternoon, the fresh smell after the sprinkle of rain.

On the physical side of things, I run at least a couple of evenings a week and try for 3 (myself and a couple of work colleagues challenge each other which helps) , I drink less alcohol than I used to and try to get 7 1/2hrs sleep consistently.

On the mental side of things I try to use mindful meditation to relax at least a couple of nights a week (Tara Brach is a great online resource), but the number one thing that has helped and is still helping is working with my Psychologist to be more assertive and be less of a yes person.

Lately I have had a couple of anxiety episodes, but have managed to say to myself, with time it will pass, and sure enough, they did and I have been able to get back to decent health pretty quickly.

I truly believe reading other peoples stories and sharing with those willing to listen, helps to see that we are far from alone.

Andrew.

[MarkJT]

Rose, not taking on the role of victim is massive. It is so easy to do the opposite so brilliant on that. I think that you are spot on with bullies. They are so uncomfortable within their own skin that they have to take it out on others. Crap behavior. To be the bigger one and be an adult definitely shows that your resilience is good.

You are flying, it is only a matter of time i reckon to when you are very nicely balanced.

Mark.