Hello

[perpetuity]

Hello. This is the first time I've posted. Not sure what to write or where to begin. I'm not well.

I find it hard to get up and be out in the world. I have the attitude of 'what's the use'. I despise myself and continue to abuse myself with food and laziness. I'm embarrassed and ashamed even though I'm loved by my small family. It's like I have a perpetual current of self loathing and hate running through my core. I'm tired of being me.

[Zeal]

Hi perpetuity,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry that you're currently so unwell, and self-punish. I'm glad you have a supportive family, which you are deserving of. If you don't mind me asking, have you seen your doctor about your mental health? It's crucial that you make an appointment soon with your doctor (GP). It's best to book a long appointment, and it can help to bring in a notepad with dot points of issues/topics to discuss. This way, you won't need to worry about forgetting to say something important.

This Beyondblue site has useful fact sheets. Once you've been to your doctor and know more about what's going on, you can explore the menu bar links. It's good to start with Get support and The facts.

If you feel comfortable talking about your personal life, you can tell us a bit more about yourself and what led to your current situation. For example, how long have you been experiencing this self-loathing for? Is it constant, or triggered by certain situations?

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[perpetuity]

Hi zeal

thanks for your prompt reply. I have seen a few doctors over the years. I've also seen psychs and psychiatrists. All of which have said I'm suffering from depression. A psych has also said I may have Dysthymia. In the past I've been on medication which only seemed to numb me; helped with symptoms but didnt address root cause. I've also tried therapy, psychodrama, meditation, exercise, cbt, nlp and family constellation therapy. All have helped to some degree, probably exercise being the most beneficial. When I was young I had to deal with early death of my mum (I was 16) and suicide of dad 3 years later. I also tried suicide about 4 years ago. And I believe I've dealt with those best I can. But there is always an ever present self loathing that doesn't shift that I had even before the death of my parents etc. I've tried disguising with jobs, education, relationships, travel, moving house but it's always there. I survive thru my partner; like a parasite. I cling to his positivity and depend on his functioning in life for mine. I find it harder now to hide it. I'm tired. I can't be bothered - but I must be 'cause here I am writing 🙂

[perpetuity]

...and I always feel like I'm not good/clever/beautiful/sporty/funny etc enough. I'm forever comparing myself to others and I always come out second best. Intellectually, I know it's warped thinking. Mindfulness and meditation sometimes help but only scratch the surface. I'll stop now. Sorry if I'm bagging on.

[BballJ]

Hi perpetuity,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

Wow, what a journey your life has been, somes up but a few too many downs than someone should have to deal with, I am sorry about the loss of your parents. You seem to have done so much to help yourself which is great and you reaching out here is another step to helping yourself so please don't stop trying to help yourself, you are stronger than you realise. I am glad your partner supports you and that is great and you are not a parasite at all.

Is there anything that gets you happy or excited? I know you have tried so many things but did anything stick and you said, yep I love that?

My best for you,

Jay

[Zeal]

Hi Perpetuity,

I am deeply sorry to hear that both your parents passed in your teen years. I can't even begin to imagine how devastating that must have been. It's good that you've been seeing mental health professionals over the years. You really have tried many options, which is a testament to how proactive you are. It sounds as though you no longer have suicidal thoughts, which is a relief. It's great that you have a loving and supportive partner. How long have you two been together? You can be bothered, as you are actively posting on this forum 🙂 After all you've been through, you still have drive left to improve your mental health. Having mindfulness and meditation as workable skills is great.

Here are some online resources that you could save to your computer favourites for reference:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=37 (depression)

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47 (improving self-esteem)

As a side note, you are definitely not blabbing. Your posts are important to us.

Best wishes,

Zeal