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Hello all - new user here
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Hello everyone! I feel very happy to have found this site and to have briefly read some of the posts so far. I hope to post here to share my experiences and help other people with what I've learned along my journey so far. I have much experience with growing up in a dysfunctional family, my mother trying to force me on medication as a teenager, depersonalization, anxiety, depression, HPPD, and more. I think I can heal myself and benefit some people by posting my thoughts on other people's stories. I'll start with a short introduction which I will probably update later.
Right now I'm a man in my 30s who has moved very far from home and completely broken contact with my parents for the first time in my life (for an extended period). I have had many nightmares, panic attacks, tightness in my whole body, and disassociation very intensely these first few months (especially with Christmas coming up). One of my mother's go-to patterns of abuse is when she is jealous/upset/or feeling like I might abandon her she'll call me when we're both alone and tear into me like a monster. She will attack every wound, use tears and shouting, try to inflict maximum guilt, and jump from topic to topic when I try to calmly defend myself. It sounds crazy, but she sounds possessed by a demon. Then like clockwork she runs to my dad (whom she completely controls) like a wounded victim and gets him to come after me. Deep down he knows she is putting on a show. Even after I can finally convince him that its all lies he immediately shifts to "well what do you want me to do? your mother loves you so much and you want to hold onto this forever". If we could just once and for all address this pattern of abuse I would be so happy to move on. Instead I resent him for never standing up for me and basically using me as a shield because if she's mad at me he doesn't have to deal with it.
A year prior to this last episode my mother and I went to therapy where she admitted to doing this for the first time and also admitted to some lies that she kept up for over a decade. Lies that she tried so hard to gaslight me on even though they happened right in front of me. So I know she is aware of what she's doing. I told her that all of these times I've wanted to break contact with her, but didn't because I was trying to make things right. I said if she goes back to it I will break contact next time. I warned them many times, but I left and they will never acknowledge or apologize for a single thing
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Hi EnchilaPlatter,
Welcome to the community here. I'm sorry to read of your experiences with your parents, that must be very distressing and hurtful for you. I'm sure we all have images in our minds of how families should be and the roles our parents should play in our lives.
I feel when the reality is not as we desire in any circumstance, I think we find confusion and disorientation, a disconnection with reality maybe.
Do you have other family members you are still in contact with?
Do you have plans for Christmas? It can be a lonely time for many people. If you are going to be by yourself, can you see if there are some charity organisations or Church groups in your area that you can join for Christmas? Maybe even volunteering to assist can be very rewarding.
Are there things you can do for yourself to help make Christmas special in some way?
Hope you manage to have a meaningful Christmas one way or another and hope you also find ways to honour who you are as a person.
Regards from Dools
