Getting over narcisstic abuse

[cat15]

Hi everyone hope you are doing OK. I have been in a narrcistic relationship for 30 years and am now divorced. Anyone who can help me get over this, and to help me stop thinking about all the things my ex has and is still doing to me, what be helpful. People don't believe me, as my ex is so good at convincing people I'm,crazy. My head won't stop, and I'm at the end of my tether.

[cat15]

Thank you Croix, I have continued to contact weekly. They said they would check on me each week, but they don't. I sound like I'm complaining but I have tried everywhere, they just tell me I'm,on a waiting list. My exhusband isn't replying to my lawyers letters, and now I only have 6 weeks to,settle, which is just adding to my stress. I can't seem to do anything or get anywhere. I know I have got worse as I am starting to neglect the house, I just can't be bothered anymore, I also have bad knees which dosent help. I try to keep busy but my head just won't stop spinning. I'm so sorry for going on about it. Thank you,for listening. Cat

[cat15]

My doctor has put me on a mental health plan, so I can get a free physiologist session. It will only be one as they have said that they will try to resolve my issue as much as they can in that one session. That makes me laugh, because if they can solve most of your problems in one appointment, why are people in therapy for years. Sounds bitter, but you can't possibly do that. I know there is a lack of help, but I don't know where to,go. Thank you for listening I hope you are well. Cat.

[Croix]

Dear Cat~

Yur husband will not have changed, and he trick of not answering your lawyer's letters is exactly as you would expect -make things as difficult as possible. The difference is now he is doing it from a distance, not while living with you.

I know you can ask your lawyer what to do about this, and maybe there is some sort of solution. The hard part is how wearing it is on you. Look at it this way he has spent thirty years trying to control you and put you down, yet he has not succeeded, you want a divorce, know the tricks he plays to appear perfect, yet you keep on going.

That is something in a less stressed moment you wil realise is a victory. Yes I know it does not seem like one now, I felt much the same about my illness not being caused by me but caused by my work, now I know I managed to get by and then improve.

When you see the psychologist may I suggest you ask before you attend the appointment  about the gap fee, it can come as a surprise afterwards.

You are right, one visit will not solve all hte problems, in my case one visit was used to try to make me able ot cope wiht everything htat was wrong, and it came wiht strategies like talking to others, giving yourrself a daily treat of an evening, mindfulness exercise and more.

While the things that help you cope may be very different I found the fact that visit was practical - not an examination and therapy - made it useful. If the psych cannot give what you need, then you need another psych/councilor.

While you may have done these anyway I'll put them down in case there is one or two you have not tried.

1800RESPECT

who have a lot of resources, some counceling and may be able to point out services you need

Black Dog Institute

Who have a national list by state/territory of support groups dealing wiht anxiety and depression, something you may need in your situation

Our own 24/7 Help Line wiht councilors who may perhaps be able to indicated services or support groups in your area who are not overwhelmed and offer techniques to help you cope

The hardest part sometimes in such circumstances can be how you feel about yourself, I think you are managing all this better than many (even if you don't at the moment).

You know we will always welcome you here

Croix

[cat15]

Thank you, I had a phone call on Tuesday to say I have my appointment with a physiologist. I talked to my lawyer about my exhusband not replying to her letters. I just don't understand how someone who was supposed to of loved me is doing this to me. It is control, when I realised what he was doing to me with his controlling ways, I stopped doing everything for him, I did t allow myself to be a doormat anymore, and this is when it really started to get bad. It's not like we were constantly fighting, I yelled because he wouldn't listen he would just walk away leaving me frustrated and confused. Now I'm the abuser and the crazy person. He has cut me of a lot,financially, with hardly any money and I'm,about to,one my house because I can't get a mortgage and he knows that. The letter I got from his lawyer was so nasty, and that wasn't meant to be sent apparently, and he has somehow blamed me for that as well. Blaming me for things that are out of my control. If only I knew what narrcism was years ago, I,would of seen the signs, my mother is one as well, and treats me so bad, that I have cut ties with her. I jumped from the frying pan into the fire, as they say. I can't see a way through this, and am so mad at myself, for not noticing what was going on. Hopefully my psychologist can help me. Thank you for listening. Cat

[Croix]

Dear Cat~

Just at the moment is probably as difficult as it gets, money worries, lawyer to deal with, decisions over posssible embattlements, uncertainty of the future and someone who once lied they loved you doing their very best to drag you down.

In the future this will be a past episode you have weathered.

You are a sensible person who decided not to be a door-mat. Others have taken the  same step and found similar difficulties. If you can get together wiht people such as yourself it may make things better. Having to discover everything for yourself is very hard.

I'm sorry your mother is no support but the opposite, however at least you can see what she is and is not giving in.

Croix

[cat15]

Thank you for listening, cutting my mother out of my life was a good thing to,do for my own mental health. I am trying to keep going. It's hard to get over knowing that it was all lies. Maybe I'm to sensitive like he kept saying. At least I have a heart, and that's what I keep telling myself. Thank you for listening again. Cat

[Croix]

Dear Cat~

Rather than wondering if you are 'too sensitive' - a label given to you by somebody you know has your  worst interests at heart.  Try looking at it as if it was being hurt physically, you would get bruised, and the more times you were hurt the more bruised you would get. So it is not undue sensibility on your part but the repeated cruel actions of others.

You do not deserve to doubt yourself

Croix

[cat15]

Thank you, my exhusband asked me what empathy was once, and I told him, he didn't understand it. Should of been a sign, I just don't understand why people are like this. Do they know what there doing? And just don't care. I know it's a mental illness, but surely people know, not to treat people that way. They accuse you of being everything, that they are themselves. Such good manipulators, and playing the victim. I'm sure they know what they do, a friend of his told,him once that you always get what you want, his reply, yes I,do what's wrong with that. Always said deny everything and blame someone or something else. He said it jokingly but he was dead right that's what he did. It just makes it harder, because he basically showed me what he was like from the beginning, by saying it, and I just didn't see it. I was about 21 and should of known better. He showed me love, and that's what probably blinded me, but the signs were there fro0m the start, so why didn't I end it before it began. I had a feeling in my tummy that it wasn't right, so it's my fault, I just don't understand why I didn't say anything from the beginning. I,am,so,sorry for ranting and taking up all,of your time. Cat.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear cat,

Its not fault that you didn’t see the signs..(red flags)…they hide things so well, until they have you where they want you to be..then it’s to late for us because we are now questioning ourselves because we have started believing everything that they say to us…

He also showed me love and care….until we married…

Please sweet car, never ever blame yourself for falling into his trap…whether 18 like I was and looking for an escape from my abusive parents and brother, or 21 feeling loved for once or even 30, 40, 50 and 60 anyone can fall victim to narcissistic people…because they can manipulate then control anyone with a gentle caring heart…

Look after you beautiful self dear cat, don’t be hard on yourself and give yourself compassion and care, because you deserve it so much..

Kind thoughts with a gentle hug sweet cat..

Grandy..

[Croix]

Dear Cat~

People tend to look on other people as being the same as themselves, and expect them to act in much the same way as they would. It comes as complete shock to find there are others in the world who are so difficult it is not really possible ot understand them

Your ex said it perfectly " you always get what you want, his reply, yes I,do what's wrong with that. Always said deny everything and blame someone or something else."

A sense of entitlement, laced wiht a sense of cruelty. There is no arguing with them, I think it is built-in, they regard the universe as consisting just for them and nobody else counts.  Empathy is a foreign concept and of no importance ot them.

It is not surprising you were fooled, they are master at deception and seem to have an instinct for what buttons to press.

You have seen though all that to the real person underneath, a huge achievement. The fact you did not realise all this straight away is no fault of yours, you were manipulated and deceived. Under those circumstances how could you not have felt love?

I do have the feeling that the sweetness of another person's initial love and then treating them badly so they break down are all part of thier enjoyment.

Croix