Getting over narcisstic abuse

[cat15]

Hi everyone hope you are doing OK. I have been in a narrcistic relationship for 30 years and am now divorced. Anyone who can help me get over this, and to help me stop thinking about all the things my ex has and is still doing to me, what be helpful. People don't believe me, as my ex is so good at convincing people I'm,crazy. My head won't stop, and I'm at the end of my tether.

[Croix]

Dear Cat15~

This first thing I'd like to do is express my admiration you were able to divorce this person. There are so many who have so little confidence left they simply can't.

It takes a long time to recover from 30 years of living with someone who has been constantly mentally injuring you, telling you things were your fault - when they were not. Blowing hot and cold, reserving all the charm and niceness for those outside so they would side with them and not you

Also if they were typical they would have amassed as much money and property as they could for htemsleves at your expense.

It's a bit of a failure in human nature that if one is treated badly by somone that should be expected to look after you then you start to believe all the lies and come to doubt yourself.

So I guess the time has come to help yourself believe in yourself, to recognize the strength and determination in you to keep going when the divorce became difficult.

I don't know you well enough to make suggestions that will fit, it could be anything from employment you are good at to learning music -whatever you think.

I'd like to ask if you facing all this on your own? To do so is extra hard. Is there anyone you can lean on at all, not to 'fix' anything, but just listen and care?

I hope to hear from you again if you'd like

Croix

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear cat15…

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums…

I’m m deeply sorry that this has happened to you….my heart goes out to you, I was married to a very physically and mentally abusive narcissistic man for 38 years….he passed away 10 years ago and I’m still struggling with my mental health due to all I went through.….PTSD, depression and anxiety…you are not alone dear sweet cat15….no one would believe my husband was anything but a good person….trouble is that only we know what goes on behind our closed doors….

Our dear Croix is right…..It does take a long time to heal from the constant mental abuse that’s been a part of your life for 30 years….We have to unlearn all the negative words that we believed when they had been constantly thrown at us by the one person who should have been caring and loving towards us…I needed professional help for many years to help me with the constant memories of what I survived….Is talking to your GP….about your thoughts and feelings something you might consider?….I learnt that narcissist people down others so much that they make us depended on them for everything because we are made to feel useless and we loose all our confidence….in our day to day lives…

I think you’re so very brave, leaving him…I was too afraid to do that…I have a huge amount of respect for you….No one that knew my husband 

You’re a survivor Cat, unfortunately some don’t survive abusive marriages…the thing is to now try hard to stay strong within yourself, know that you are a beautiful and intelligent person,  who’s capable of doing anything you want to do….

He has taken 30 years of happiness out of your life….as hard as it’s going to be…Don’t let him take another second away from you….I still get triggered back to my past memories, go down that dark tunnel very often but I try hard to distract those thoughts and feelings by listening and singing along to a song I know…..or anything else that requires my mind to be 100% distracted from anything else other then what I’m doing….

The things he did and still is doing to you is wrong, so wrong….he doesn’t deserve you at all, we all deserve peace and happiness in our lives and I hope that in time you will find some…

Thinking of you Dear Cat, with care and kindness….Please talk here anytime you feel up to it…we are here for you when we can be with our support and care..

Grandy..

[cat15]

Thank you, I dont consider myself brave, but thank you, and if it's OK I would like to talk, only when it is ok for you. I dont want to tke up your time as you have been through hell as well. Sorry to disturb you. Cat

[cat15]

Thank you, for your kindness, ther is so much to say I do t know where to start, but knowing I'm not alone is a form of,comfort to me, thank you. Cat

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear cat,

Awe sweetheart, your not taking up my time at all….I volunteered here to try to help when I can….I am around most days and post when I’m feeling okay to too…

When I get triggered back in time….I struggle a lot but found that mindfulnes helps a lot…picking up something and really concentrate on everything about it, the texture, colours, shape, even how it smells….at night I listen to sleep stories every night when I lay in bed ready for sleep….they are gently spoken stories of beautiful places to visit…

I made a thread a few years back called….Grounding yourself, what is it and how do we….maybe if you feel up to searching the title and reading a bit, it might give you some ideas on how best to ground yourself when those horrible memories pop into your head space….feel free to contribute or ask questions on the thread if you feel up to it…

Kind thoughts..

Grandy

[cat15]

Thank you for listening I don't know where to start, I,am just grateful,that someone is prepared to listen, and understands that this is real. I can't seem to get help, all the places in my town don't seem to have anyone to help me, they don't return calls, they say they will call me each week, just to check in with me but they don't. I have been on a waiting list for one appointment with a physiologist. They said a 3 month wait, and it's  been nearly a year. I did speak to a,counsellor for one appointment and they didnt listen, and told me to write one happy thought in a book each day. I'm at my end now, I'm going through a nasty settlement with my exhusband. The things he is telling his lawyer are not true and I'm made out to,be crazy. It's so true, if you try to hit  ack at a narcissist, they come a t you like hell.  I'm sorry to lay it on you, but am grateful for your help. Cat

[cat15]

Thank you for replying back to me, and giving me your time, especially since you have been through this as well, and willing to talk to me about it. It must be hard for you to talk about it as it will bring up horrible memories for you. That's brave thank you, Cat

[Croix]

Dear Cat15~

It is not a question of your taking up Grandy or mine or anyone else's time, not only are you welcome, but in fact we benefit too. To see another peron who is in a familiar situation and has gone so far as to divorce - there so much encouragement there in your action.

I don't care if you don't regard it as brave, unusual or a matter of strenght. For us looking in we know it is. We also know the tricks a narcissist plays, telling untruths about you, presenting as Mr Perfect to the inexpediency, controlling all the time - and all the rest.

I am sure there will be a lot of neglect by the services that should help you, and it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking you are low priority or seen as less important. That simply is not the case - you deserve the best of treatment and - although it may be hard and cause you worry both before and after - please keep chasing them on the phone or in person, weekly at least.

Please don't let yourself be neglected, the more you push now the more chance in later years you will look back on yourself with favor.

Croix

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear cat,

I also live in a tiny village and the closest town to me is classified as a small country town…I found it very hard to get any sort of help for a while, then I found a good Dr, who set up a mental health care plan for me….unfortunately that psychologist really triggered me when she hit on the physical and sexual abuse, I stopped going to her then got really mentally sick and had to be hospitalised for around 6 weeks, that’s when my help started to surface…My Dr. received a request from the hospital’s  psychiatrists  to set up a victim’s counsellor for me…which really helped me to understand a bit about my triggers and how I can better cope when they pop up…..It’s hard, and some times I can’t get out of my triggered ptsd downer and stay in deep depression for weeks, other times I do better and can surface in a few days…

I can relate to him making you seem crazy, to everyone else that knew or associated with my husband, he was a good man who wouldn’t hurt a fly…his friends are none the wiser, I let them remember him the way they knew him…they didn’t need to know what went on behind closed doors….I remember once I stood up for myself, that was enough for me…I learned very quickly to keep my mouth closed, eyes closed and my soul shut off to any emotions when he was around….definitely “hitting back” is just not worth it…as you said..they come at you like hell….

I was told to start a journal, but I couldn’t do that…at the end of the day I do find things  to be grateful for and am now looking daily for little things that….gives me a feeling of peace, happiness, joy etc…just little things….Their are a couple of threads on here to write these things out…”Three things to be thankful for”…..and “Did you see,h ear or do something that made you feel some happiness today”… ..I know you might not believe it…but it does help to write out and/or read the posts on their….some are really heartwarming, which helps distract those horrible thoughts going around in my head…maybe it might help you, even a little…

Please, look after yourself sweet cat,

Kind thoughts,

Grandy..