First time on Beyond Blue....

Kaspa · ‎21-09-2016

Hey, I'm Kaspa. I'm 37, a mum, in a de-facto relationship for almost 19 years and have had - in my humble opinion- more than my fair share of drawing the short straw. Every experience has made the woman I am today. While growing up, my ideals were polar opposites to my life today. I suppose we all have different views on how we'd like to be as an adult but to be so far off has me constantly frowning and asking "why?". I had my first child at 23. Compared to my peers, I was almost a geriatric mum. Unfortunately my mum was born decades too early and had children because it was "expected" or "that's how everyone was back then". Her words. Mum isn't the most maternal and told me more than once that a baby before marriage would be a deal breaker for her. Having our first daughter didn't dissuade her. It wasn't until my. Dad took me to have baby checked out for not meeting certain milestones by 8 months of age. They said she had a genetic muscle wasting disease that can't be cured. 3-5 years they told me. Mums not an ice maiden and this pretty much brought her back into my life until we lost our bub at 3 years old. Every pregnancy my defacto's and I conceive has to be tested. If we left each other it wouldn't be an issue unless we met others that had the same gene. We both have to have it for this to happen. That's my crux issue obviously. It's been 10 yrs but I can still see every detail of her last 24 hours. It's hard for me not to acknowledge her when askd about my kids. Am I supposed to pretend she never existed so others don't feel uncomfortable? Most my friends and family including my defacto thinks I should look at it that way. How? She grew inside me for goodness sake, even mums amongst my friends don't get it. I'm resigned that there won't be many that do but how am I supposed to function when everywhere I turn, I'm told to suck it up or get over it? I was diagnosed with chronic depression and social anxiety last year. I look at my kids and think they deserve so much better than this pathetic feel sorry for me poor excuse of a mother, even my mums lack of affection seems like xmas in comparison. I adore my kids I tell them I love them every day. Having kids saved my life and I'm not going to let anything else ruin our happiness.

thats why I'm here. I hope this is the right place to be. I feel like I'm running out of options.
thanks for taking the time to read this
Kaspa

Kaspa · ‎24-09-2016

White Rose said:
My Dear Kaspa

Thank you for your response. I'm always nervous talking to someone about loss and grief as I may put my foot in it. Seems I have not done so this time. Great!

- it's not possible to offend me when discussing Aaliyah. Not in this situation anyway. I know all you put down came from a caring and thoughtful place, the fact each of you took the time to read and comment on my post, humbles me.

White Rose said:

Well, we are supposed to learn something new every day.

- I've always said those who think there's nothing new to learn forfeit their ability to grow and mature.

White Rose said:

Aaliyah is a pretty name.

- she's named after the R&B singer that died on a plane crash with her dancers. While pregnant with her in 2001, I awoke one morning to my alarm (which is my fav radio station) broadcasting that Aaliyah had died over night. It felt right.

White Rose said:

May I make a suggestion to you? On her next birthday or the anniversary of her death, can you have a small ceremony for her.

- that's a great idea! My kids just started their 2 week school holidays as well.

White Rose said:

I don't know if you have photographs of Aaliyah, but if you do I hope they are on display with the other family photos.

- not of Aaliyah.....yet. I'll do it as soon as I can. I forgot all about that too!

White Rose said:

I gather you are taking meds.

- I forgot to answer this before! Yes, I recently changed after 10+ yrs.

Kaspa · ‎24-09-2016

White Rose said:My Dear KaspaThank you for your response. I'm always nervous talking to someone about loss and grief as I may put my foot in it. Seems I have not done so this time. Great!

- it's not possible to offend me when discussing Aaliyah. Not in this situation anyway. I know all you put down came from a caring and thoughtful place, the fact each of you took the time to read and comment on my post, humbles me.

White Rose said:Well, we are supposed to learn something new every day.

- I've always said those who think there's nothing new to learn forfeit their ability to grow and mature.

White Rose said:Aaliyah is a pretty name.

- she's named after the R&B singer that died on a plane crash with her dancers. While pregnant with her in 2001, I awoke one morning to my alarm (which is my fav radio station) broadcasting that Aaliyah had died over night. It felt right.

White Rose said:May I make a suggestion to you? On her next birthday or the anniversary of her death, can you have a small ceremony for her.

- that's a great idea! My kids just started their 2 week school holidays as well.

White Rose said:I don't know if you have photographs of Aaliyah, but if you do I hope they are on display with the other family photos.

- not of Aaliyah.....yet. I'll do it as soon as I can. I forgot all about that too!

White Rose said:I gather you are taking meds.

- I forgot to answer this before! Yes, I recently changed after 10+ yrs.

Kaspa · ‎24-09-2016

Wishful said:Hi Kaspa, I've been reading through Mary's post, very wise and thoughtful.

I agree! I'm glad I decided to do this!

Wishful said:Like her I don't want to say anything wrong.

not possible!

Wishful said:Thinking back, re my foster daughter, it was the empty arms, empty heart. She has left her finger print on my heart.

I understand exactly what you're talking about it. That's a great way to put it too,

Wishful said:Kaspa, you are not alone. Wishful.

thanks to all of you, I'm starting to believe that's truly attainable...

white knight · ‎24-09-2016

Hi Kaspa, welcome

I have nothing to add. I just wanted to let you know that many people like me read posts and not respond.

I just admire you and feel sad you lost your child but proud as punch for your courage

Tony WK

Wilma1 · ‎24-09-2016

Hi Kaspa, just dropping in to say hi and wish you a good day.. By the way I liked the pooch you had Freckils. I have a little girl, the one one the post pic. She's my family, she's amazing. Take care. Wishful

Kaspa · ‎24-09-2016

I'm honoured to have a great Community Champion peer at my post let alone comment!! I knows it's not that big of a deal but I'm a lil'starstruck nonetheless!

thanks🛡White Knight⚔

FYI, I'm a "serial peruser" that rarely comments so I understand what you're getting at. For any others that may do the same please read this:

Unfortunately, throughout your lives there'll be many instances where you'll come across someone that's lost a child. Most people find it hard to think of the "right" thing to say or do when truthfully there isn't anything to say or do! I'll never forget having to plaster a Barbie™ smile throughout Aaliyah's funeral. By the end I swore I'd slap the next person that said "I'm so sorry" or "you poor poor girl". I know, I know, I sound kinda harsh but my feelings were polar opposites to those attending that day. Saying I'm so sorry makes the grieved instantly remember the parts they'd most like to forget....well it did with me anyway. Besides, being Aaliyah's mum was an honour. I'm nowhere near spiritual or religious but I do believe G-d chose me specifically to be her mum. I was 23 when she was born and when I discovered I was carrying her, I started the necessary processes to help pull myself out of homelessness. Having her saved my life, sanity and reinstalled a sense of self worth I'd long forgotten. None of that deserves to be apologised for! Not one second was wasted while we had her and every moment since has deepened my love for all my children - born or not (between bub #3 and #4 I had 3 miscarriages, 5 positive test results for the genetic muscle wasting condition. Positive tests on two seperate placentas because it was a fraternal twin pregnancy😔they were boys* too). Next time you're in the position of greeting a mourner, think about what you'd like to hear if you were in their position. That's if you can sympathise. Never empathise with anyone or anything if you've never gone through a similar situation. Empathy implies you HAVE had similar experiences. Sympathy is how you feel when you HAVEN'T gone through something but can still feel pain because of it.

take care my BB people!

*muscle condition isn't gender specific

White_Rose · ‎26-09-2016

Hello Kaspa

How are you going these days? It's always difficult to know how to express your sorrow when a friend/family member loses someone dear to them. With my friends who lost their adult son I just walked into their home and gave a big hug. I think that says it all. I'm not big fan of hugging but there are many times when it's good and says all you would like to say.

There are far fewer children who die when young these days, and I think this is one of the reasons why we get so uncomfortable. It's great we do not lose so many little ones and when we hear of the death of a child we are shocked. I think this is why we feel so awkward with the parents. It's something that has been outside our experience but has touched us, in a different way, but we lack the skills to offer comfort. Even in saying that I know comfort is not what you want, but it's the best we can offer.

Thank you writing your post above. As Tony WK has written, so very proud of you and your courage. Keep talking to us. When you hold your ceremony for Aaliyah can you tell us about it? I would very much appreciate it.

Do you find taking (presumably) antidepressants is helpful? I find they take away the raw edge and allows you heal. Continue to take care of yourself and your family.

Mary

Kaspa · ‎26-09-2016

White Rose said: Hello Kaspa How are you going these days?

I'm going okay Mary, thank you for your concern😊 I noticed you're also a Community Champion and I'm sorry for not realising it sooner! It's so humbling to know BB regulars are interested in my post!

White Rose said: When you hold your ceremony for Aaliyah can you tell us about it? I would very much appreciate it.

When we decide (I'm in a house with 4 women and 1 guy! Decisions like this (where my 8 and 10 year old girls are concerned).....involves a lot of debating whilst learning about decibels and their level. Especially the socially acceptable ones. Very important so they can learn to talk to each other like they actually like each other!

White Rose said: Do you find taking (presumably) antidepressants is helpful? I find they take away the raw edge and allows you heal.

I was on medication pretty much the day after I lost Aaliyah. I stayed on that for too long and wasn't effective anymore. While pregnant with Aubree (Aubree is how I see think the female version of Aubrey should be) earlier this year, I'd stopped it because the pregnancy hormones alone were doing the job (I don't like taking tablet remedies for simplistic ailments. I think we have enough within us to fight the common illnesses.) Once born I started on another medication. I've gone up in dosage once and it seems to be doing its job so far

White_Rose · ‎26-09-2016

Hello Kaspa

Thanks for keeping in touch. We are all interested in your posts, stories and progress. It is this community network that helps us to keep going in the toughest times. Offering tips, suggestions and general support is what we do for each other, especially when our difficult personal circumstances have been set on a more even keel. Perhaps you will find you are able to post to others who are struggling as you get stronger.

Mary

I would love to hear about your ceremony when you are ready. I appreciate that having a number of people involved in the decision making can lengthen the preparation time but the result will be fantastic. I hope it will be a joyful celebration of Aaliyah's life and bring healing to you and your family.

Antidepressants can be both a blessing and a difficulty. I have tried many different SSRI meds and basically they either don't work or have horrendous side effects. So now I have been prescribed a medication from the original group of AD, Tricyclic drugs. And oh bliss, oh rapture, they work fantastically and have no side effects. That alone is a cause for joy. I have finally resigned myself to taking antidepressants for the rest of my life. I don't like the idea at all and maybe, when life stops getting in the way, I may be able to stop taking them. Meanwhile I will make the most of my life and take meds with the same attitude as I take food. I need some every day.