First steps.

Booklover74 · ‎23-01-2017

Hi,

I feel like a bit of a fraud posting here. I'm 42, single with a good, secure job that pays well, I just moved into my own home in December, and I really feel like my life is on track and I'm a fully-functioning adult human.

But I feel hollow, completely and utterly, and that is about the only feeling I have. I've also noticed in the last 12 months or so that I no longer feel any empathy. I recognise and understand the way people are feeling and can muster up the minimal expected response for any given situation - but I don't feel anything at all. I've always been an introvert, but these days I just want people to leave me alone. I think I've flat-lined emotionally.

I was the fat kid at school, so dealt with all the bullying that went along with that - the natural reaction was to withdraw and keep the things that meant something to me secret and protected. All my life people have unloaded their problems on me, but never been interested in mine, so I think I just stopped expecting people to be interested in what I was feeling, and that morphed into me just not having the feelings at all. Then after my divorce a few years ago I think the shutters came down completely.

So I don't even know if there is anything the matter with me. Maybe this is a mid-life crisis? All I am aware of is that I've reached this point and I can't see where the road ahead is leading me, and I can't seem to make any plans to draw a map for myself and forge a new direction.

So that's me. Hello :).

JessF · ‎23-01-2017

Hello Booklover, welcome... I have to say I saw so much of myself in your post. Bullied when younger, I spent many years thinking I was worth nothing without the approval of others, and put their needs and problems before mine. I didn't think my issues were important, but after a while like you I realised there was just a big empty space where the love, emptahy and understanding of others is supposed to go. That space is still there from time to time. I don't have all the answers. Putting up the barriers is understandable: to avoid being hurt, just turn off the feelings filter. Unfortunately, that also stops us from being able to receive love.

The best part of your post is the very start - that you feel your life is largely on track and things are functioning well. What a good base to build on. Maybe it's not necessary to know the road ahead just now. Maybe you're still getting the car packed for the next part of the journey. So to carry on that metaphor... what's missing? What would you like to take with you? If a genie popped out of the bushes and were to grant you some wishes, what would they be?

MarkJT · ‎23-01-2017

Booklover, you are certainly not a fraud coming on here at all. You have just as much a right to post and ask questions as anyone else. You are now part of a very protective and caring community.

In February 2013, i was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety. One of the symptoms that i had was dissociation, this is where i was completely numb and devoid of feelings. A truly horrible place to live in and one that your story rings very familiar to me.

I am not here to diagnose you at all, that is not my job nor my expertise. What I would suggest for you to do is book yourself a GP appointment and discuss with him or her. It will cost you an hour of your life and you may just kick off a process that will see you having feelings and empathy again.

I think it is fantastic that you are on here and posting. That is what the forums are for and to repeat, you are not a fraud, absolutely not so that thought can be dispelled.

Hope to hear from you again and hopefully you do book into the GP.

Cheers

Mark.

Booklover74 · ‎24-01-2017

Thanks you JessF and MarkJT for the welcome. I suppose I look at myself and think 'what on earth have you got to complain about?'

I like your comment JessF, about being at a stage where I'm just getting the car packed for the journey. Maybe I am jumping ahead of myself, there's no-one else putting pressure on me to have a plan it's just me - and I'm sure most of that comes from feeling adrift after my well-planned future was pulled out from under me by the divorce. At the moment, I think the wish from the genie would be a decent lotto win so I didn't have to work any more - I feel like a nice long break to let me stop and regroup would be wonderful!

Mark, thanks for the tough talk 🙂 - we have an EAP service through work which I might try first, I've nothing against my GP, I just feel like this should be so simple to fix - ever have that feeling you're missing something obvious?

MarkJT · ‎24-01-2017

Booklover, you're welcome and in answer to your question that if i have ever had the feeling that i have missed something obvious...well i missed 22 symptoms that i was showing for PTSD, depression and anxiety (that is 22 things i was doing that i don't normally do or things that i was not doing that i normally do), so yep, know where you are coming from.

That is fine going through the EAP but i encourage you to seek out a GP if things don't turn around. Personally i would prefer you to visit a GP but i am not in your shoes.

I am still getting a hint of you not allowing yourself to accept that you belong here. Even 100% healthy people belong here. It is an open forum, predominately used by users that are suffering some kind of mental injury or illness. Your health is the number one priority for you. If anything, even if you are ever so slightly developing depression or anxiety or any other mental illness, it is brilliant that you are here because hopefully you will do some reading of various posts, get some education as to what your feelings could be, enter the EAP or see a GP and nip what ever it is biting at you in the bud. Result will be that you will be up and about instead of possibly continuing down the slippery slope that is mental health.

Interested to see how go in the EAP though so if you don't mind, would love for you to keep posting.

Cheers mate

Mark.