Diagnosed with depression, and doing my best (keen to talk)

[Thalheim]

Hi all,

Despite having probably been in and out of depression and anxiety for a large part of my life, only now have I really felt compelled to seek help online, as my usual methods of coping seem underwhelming in my current situation.

At the moment I'm studying to be a high school English teacher, but feeling like I hate the education side of it, and the industry is bad (teaching is a great idea but the Australian system is awful and I don't have the necessary energy). I do however love English and really would love to be an editor or technical writer or something.

Life trouble number two is that my dad (the rock of my family) was diagnosed with a type of cancer this year; he's in good spirits and the outlook is pretty decent, but it hit me hard. I don't project my anxiety and depression onto it, but it could be a contributing factor.

This year too, I've been lucky enough to get into my first relationship, which has been all kinds of a rollercoaster of self-discovery and fear of not being enough. My boyfriend is the most gentle and caring person, and obviously feels as much for me as I do for him; he's been nothing but supportive through my recent diagnosis with moderate-severe depression. I feel however, that I am projecting a lot of my anxiety onto what is a very stable and happy relationship, and it scares the hell out of me. Logically, all things are right and well for us, but I keep misreading little things as him being distant when he isn't, and I cannot stand being the needy party (he's very independent, but we talk every day and see each other a couple of times a week despite living two and a bit hours apart).

I'm on uni break now so the lack of structure in my life has given me too much time to think and worry; I'm trying to get myself together and concentrate on my hobbies but all I want to do is sleep. My doctor prescribed me a herbal thing to assist with anxiety and depression, but I'm still waiting for the three week probation to pass to see if it'll work for me. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow (for the second time ever) and I'm hopeful to learn some mindfulness strategies.

TL;DR: I have a loving family, great friends, and a seriously lovely boyfriend, and I feel so scared that that isn't enough to bring me out of my sadness. I want to energy to follow my dreams and feel happy, but right now that's a big struggle. I'm doing my best every day, but it's hard and I wanted to be able to get it down somewhere, and to talk about it.

[Nikkir]

Hi Thalheim,

Welcome to BB and thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. It sounds like you have been through alot and have alot going on at the moment. Firstly, I am so happy that you have decided to get some support online and with a psychologist, I hope it all goes well. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to makes a great difference and with mindfulness and CBT etc, you can always learn new skills as well. I hear you, it must be hard to see your father going through a difficult time as well as your own personal issues. On a positive note, it is so great that you are studying, it is so good for your mind and your soul I believe and creating new opportunities even if you do feel that you want to take a different path. I would recommend talking to a careers advisor and seeing what your options are and hopefully you can use the credits that you already have to move forward in a different way. I too love mindfulness. Do you have the app "smiling minds' i just love it as well as jon kabat zinn ( guru of mindfulness). I think it is great that you have a supportive partner and I definately hear you about the worry and anxiety, maybe when you see the psychologist you can talk this through. The main thing is not to push the person away ( speaking from experience:(. You definately have alot of positives in your life with supportive, friends, family and partner and with a bit of luck soon you will feel less anxiety. If you are not happy, tell your GP it is not working or get a second opinion. I understand how you feel about uni break, I too am at uni as a mature age student so its even weirder for me to have all this time on my hands but not really connected to uni friends as they are half my age. Its a strange feeling, you love and need the break then feel lost- very common I hear. Most people I know go away, we have alot of international students. You can call us on 1300 22 4636 if you ever want to chat, or let us know how you are going online:) Wishing you all the best and lovely to chat to you. Nikkir x

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Thalheim,

Thanks for reaching out to us and sharing your story. It sounds like so many things have been going on for you and I'm so sorry that you're struggling right now.

From reading your post it sounds like there's so much on your plate; maybe struggling a little bit with your course and where that might go, your Dad's diagnosis and the new relationship.

I assume that by the time you're reading this you will have had the appointment with the psychologist - so if you like you're welcome to tell us how that went and how you're feeling about it. I was going to write more but if you are seeing a psychologist I figured I'd wait to see if he/she was helpful! I will say too that mindfulness can be a great technique to learn and I'm glad that you're interested in it.

[Thalheim]

Hi Nikkir,

I just want to say, thank you so so much for your response - I was incredibly moved to hear a little of your own story, and I'm so grateful for the advice you've offered. The psychologist suggested there's a good chance I have a fear of abandonment (stemming from mental illness in my family quite likely), so it's something I'm going to work through. My partner struggles with emotional support (he cares but doesn't have the necessary tools to express sentiment verbally too well) so it has been a bit of a struggle, between that challenge and only seeing him a couple of times a week, due to living nearly 2 hours apart. My other trouble is that we often don't get to relax at either of our houses - he isn't brave to stay the night at my place (out of respect to my parents, even though they don't mind), and his housemate does shiftwork and tends to leave when we're both there to give us space. As a result, my partner feels we're encroaching on his housemates personal space, even though we're only there once a week at most. They're very good friends so I understand why he's that way, it's just really hard. I'm on a different medication (non-herbal) as of recently, and keenly awaiting the end of the probation period - I'm also going to keep up seeing my psychologist and working on mindfulness, and also ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy. 🙂 Thanks so much again, your comment helped me immensely

[Thalheim]

Hi romantic_thi3f,

There are some details about the appointment in my reply to Nikkir above. 🙂 I'm still very low in regards to my mood, though as I say, I am hopeful that my psychologist, the medicine and also my own conscious efforts will allow me to feel normal again. I am very conscious that my relationship seems to be where I project my anxiety; it's too soon to tell if it's just my mental illness or an incompatibility (I strongly feel it to be the former), but at the current time it's causing me no end of anxiety. Sadly I've had trouble feeling connected with my partner, despite him doing everything in his power to cheer me up. I'm so so hopeful for things to come along so I can be the best partner I can to him. I understand things don't last forever, but I want to have a sound mind before I make any rash decisions about us. Thank you also for your kind comment, I'm incredibly grateful to have people to talk out my troubles with on here

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Thalheim,

Thanks for your post.

I think Nikkir has given you some wonderful advice so I won't say too much 🙂

I'm really glad that you're seeing the psychologist and it sounds like you've clicked with them which is a big win.

Reading what you've said I feel like I can relate in many ways. I very much had a fear of abandonment and was very needy and anxious; also feeling like I was either pushing him away or that maybe I was 'too much' for him. We were long distance for a while (4 hours away) so most of our conversations were through text and email. So please know that you're not alone in this.

It is very hard but you are doing all the right things and it sounds like you have a really great support network around you.

[Nikkir]

Hi Thalheim,

I really appreciate your reply and encouragement that maybe I could have said something that might help, the main thing is you are not alone. It is so good you are wanting to engage in therapy and get better and feel normal and improve your quality of life, that is half the battle one, wanting to change. You sound so positive and even though you are going through challenges with some support, love and guidance I really feel you will find the happiness and peace you are looking for. Maybe you can teach me about relationships when you feel better, I run from the idea so you have done well to get this far:) Best Wishes and Merry Christmas ! Nikkir x

[Nikkir]

Hi Thalheim,

Thank you so much for your reply, it really mean't alot to me:) I am really happy you are seeing a therapist and doing the work, I don't know much about ACT but i have heard it is very effective, whatever works. Personally I think these days, "whatever works is my motto" as long as it doesn't harm you are anyone else. Medication can be very good for alot of people, it may not be forever but it might help people along the way. I think it is great that you want to put effort into your relationship, I am single so I would put effort in as well if I had somebody who cared about me, not that easy to find in my experience and I am sure you will find a way around seeing each other if you truly want to be together. Although I hear you with the proximity thing, after I turned 40 I hardly left my suburb much ( sad lol). One day at a time, one breath at a time. I don't know if you like yoga or nature but I find great solice in these two things. Something I do for myself, doesn't cost much / free and recharges me and brings me back to gratitude. I wish you all the best and love your inner strength and desire to go on and improve your life. Keep in touch if it feels right for you xxx Nikkir