Fight or flight response?

[Sawney]

Ok here goes...

Last year was not great. I lost my grandfather unexpectedly during my first week of semester. On April fools day I lost my cat Darcy who was kind of like my child. Then 12 days later I had to put down my childhood pet and best friend of 10 years, Tillie, due to cancer.

I know it is silly to feel this much for pets but I didn't eat properly for weeks. I didn't sleep. When I did sleep, it was often broken and I would wake up with the shakes. The shaking was especially bad if I woke up suddenly. I was angry for a long time and named it 'my dark place'. I also have had horrendous digestive issues that have only added to my anxiety.

My Mum brought home two kittens and I was determined they weren't going outside. I didn't want to find them by the side of the road one morning. One of them got out one night and I was a nervous wreck. I didn't sleep. When we found her, I wept in my mum's arms for a long because I thought I'd lost her. I didn't want to be alone again I've fiercely protective of my pets. I know people may get angry for comparing children to pets but my pets are like my fur babies and I'm totally ok with it.

One of the cats had a dirty butt and Mum was trying to clean it. I was going over to help. I thought she was hurting him and kept asking (and yelled) for her to let him go. I thought she was hurting him. I'm not sure what happen after that exactly. I thought I just moved to try and grab him. But all I recall is her storming off yelling to "never raise your hand to me again".

I don't remember hitting her or pushing her. I just thought he was hurt and I had to get him away from the threat. I just didn't want him to be in pain. The language my family has used 'strike', 'raise your hand', ' scares me. I would never hurt anyone and I'm scared that I don't remember.

I probably ruined the relationship with my Mum. I don't want to be at home because I don't want them near me. Why would they want to be near me? I can't even stand me. I have nothing to say because there are no words. What do I say? Sorry will never be enough.

I don't know who I am anymore.

[geoff]

Hello Sawney, can I welcome you to the site.

I am so sorry about your grandfather passing away and to also lose Darcy and then Tillie would certainly be so upsetting because I love my pets, they always come back to you no matter what happens, the look in their eyes and all the little tricks they do are unforgettable.

My last dog I had for 18 years and to put her down was heartbreaking, even though I had my other puppie, the one in the photo.

You were only worried about your mum handling your cat, I would feel the same if someone was doing something to my puppie, and I think that's a general feeling and believe that your relationship with your mum will be repaired, it's something that happened on the spur of the moment and instead of them saying sorry how about a big squeeze, that means so much more.

I respect how you feel about your cats and appreciate the love and care for what you have for them, I'm exactly the same and perhaps you should have been asked if she could clean your cat.

Please forgive your mum.

Geoff.

[Just Sara]

Hi Sawney and welcome to the forum;

Grief can cause insurmountable pain, just like a physical injury. It runs so deep it feels like we're dying on the inside.

A side effect of this is transference; aiming that pain at other people or situations fearing it may happen again.

Learning to face our grief by accepting each passing as individual, can help. Pets especially are difficult due to similarities to children as you say. My pet's been called my 'change of life baby'. He's sleeping next to me as I write.

As for your mum trying to clean the kitty's bottom; do you remember when you were little and someone would wipe your nose with a scratchy hanky? For me it was embarrassing and painful on my little, sore and red shnoz. I'd try to push their hand away and cry. No different to the kitty I suspect.

Coping with your mum's actions (causing anxious behaviour in the kitty) wasn't handled very well by you, but totally understandable if you think about the grief you're experiencing.

Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Nobody teaches us to cope with death. In our culture, there's no customs or rituals that address our need to understand or deal with our feelings. One day they're not there, the next they just appear. We don't really know how to prepare adequately for our loss.

Physical illness or upsets are bound to occur due to overwhelming stress on our nervous systems. The best fix for this is time, peaceful retreat, rest and expressing/accepting emotions as they rise and fall. There's nothing out of the ordinary or 'wrong' with you ok.

A well timed apology and honest discussion about your grief with mum would be welcomed I'd say. If it were me I'd appreciate that from my son if we were in the same boat.

None of us are perfect, so our responses aren't perfect either. We learn from our mistakes to improve our future and, to pass our wisdom onto the next generation. Please go easy and be kind towards yourself. Situations like this build character and inner strength to cope better at other times.

I wish you well Sawney. Please write anytime you feel the need ok.

Warm thoughts and my condolences for your loss...

Sez