Feeling unloved

Warrior_Mum · ‎24-04-2018

Hi all,

My biggest issue is my husband's feelings towards me. This has become more concerning to me lately with an incident that occurred a few months ago which has left me shattered & ever since then I am finding it very hard to get over.

We had all come home one night after a family gathering and it was around 10:30pm. Kids were all getting ready for bed as was I. My husband had too much to drink (as always when we have a party) and headed downstairs to the lounge room. When i came down to say goodnight I gave him a cuddle and kiss which he reciprocated. He then said he was going to a work mates place which is around the corner from our house as he'd told him to come over and have a few drinks with him.

Now I've never been the type to tell my husband that he can't go out, he's always had that freedom however I did say "Now? don't you think you've had enough to drink & its late" He said he wouldn't be long and that his mate was visiting his mum's place & she was away so they would catch up and off he went.

In the morning I woke up and I felt annoyed & just kept having feelings that something wasn't right. I've never had any trust issues with him before but something was telling me to check his phone, which I've never done before and felt very guilty doing. When i looked at the message he sent to his friend he asked him what he was doing. The friend said "not much" & that one of the other guys had crashed out. My husband then said "Are there any girls there?" After this mate said they will be around midnight, he replied "ok see you in half an hour". MY HEART BROKE INTO A MILLION PIECES RIGHT THERE!

I never confronted him with this and its been 3 months. I didn't want him to know I'd been through his phone. Funnily he deleted this message from his phone a day after.

I don't know what to believe. Did he do anything with these girls if they did come around. Is it all innocent and as he was drunk was saying silly "joking" things, am I overreacting. I just can't think clearly and understand if anything more sinister happened.

He has always been a Joker kind of guy and always mucks around with friends in a joking sexual manner which people will pass off as saying "Oh that's just him he's always a silly joker" . But I am looking at him a little differently now.

I don't want to accuse him of cheating as I don't know if anything happened.The endless tears and heartache is impacting my daily life now.

Hoping to have love and sunshine in my life again 😞

Guest_1055 · ‎24-04-2018

My heart aches along side yours Warrior mum. And you not knowing the truth about what happened would be often in in thoughts and eating at your very soul.

I cannot be sure if this.... but I think you need to share with him how you feel. How his actions have impacted you. Even write a letter to him if you feel you need to.

Just be real honest, and this may sound strange but ask him to forgive you and say you are sorry for searching on his phone first. ( just a suggestion is all)

I so much hope and desire this will all work out and actually bring you closer and closer together.

Shell

quirkywords · ‎24-04-2018

Welcome Warrior Mum to the forum. This is a caring, sharing and supportive place.

I feel so sorry for your predicament and not knowing which is very difficult.

You do mention that he is known as a joker so the whole text could be a joke. I know I have written texts that if taken out of contest could see me in and light but it is just my humour.

I am wondering does your husband normally leave his phone lying around.

These are just what ifs and you know her husband the best.

I am guessing the fact you looked at his phone is that you have had reason not to trust him.

If it is harmless he will feel incredibly offended and if there was something- would he tell you?

It is a difficult situation.

Shelley has given you some helpful thoughts.

Quirky

Warrior_Mum · ‎25-04-2018

Thanks quirky words for your reply, really appreciate your thoughts.

He does leave his phone around & I have been looking through it even more so now. There are many inappropriate texts to work colleagues (women) which just keeps breaking me even more.

Why am I looking through his phone? Am I waiting to see the message that proves infidelity? I don’t know but it is tearing me up.

There should be no secrets in a marriage so if he was to look through my phone I would not be offended as I have nothing to hide.

Has he deleted many more messages that I have not seen? This is my biggest fear & I don’t want to play these kind of games.

White_Rose · ‎25-04-2018

Dear Warrior Mum

Welcome to the BB forum. It's a safe place to come and tell your story. We are here to help as much as we can. we all have our different experiences but we are alike in the pain we endure no matter where it comes from. Suspicion and loss of trust is devastating and trust is not easy to regain.

Both Shelley and Quirky have made some suggestions and they are good options. It really depends on you. It's not simply a matter of asking and being told or being reassured. There are some potential spin offs from both choices, ask or not ask. One action I find helpful is a list of pros and cons but under two headings. I will ask and the other I will not ask.

From your knowledge of your husband can you list the various reactions you think will happen? Do you think this may help to give some clarity? It will not make up your mind but it may help. I do not feel I can tell you or suggest your actions actions because I do not know either of you.

I do understand the battle going on inside you and the probable effects on your life. I will ask you step back and look at your husband's attitude towards you. You said in your first post you were concerned about his feelings towards you. I am not sure if you mean you felt his feelings had changed and whether or not this was before you saw his phone message. It is fairly easy to to convince yourself that someone has changed their opinion of you. Sadly we then find ourselves examining everything to back up our feelings.

In reality the other person may have had a bad day and acted unthinkingly. Or some other reason but not because they feel differently towards you. I have lost count of the times this has happened to me. Just something else to consider.

I do hope we can help to find a solution to this problem. Please write in here and discuss it with us if you wish. We are here to support you.

Mary

Guest_1055 · ‎25-04-2018

Dear warrior mum, I had an almost similar incident within my own marriage. And it does cause your heart to ache and trust you once had sort of leaves.

I am not telling you want to do, but in my case I brought it all out in the open and into the light. I really needed to because it was just crippling me so much and it was all I could think about. I really believed he did not love me. The distrust sort of got fed more and more until I confronted him gently about it. Key word gently and I did it in an non accusing way. I took the advice from a good friend of mine and my dear sister.

My hubby knows how hurt I was now. And I was, it broke my heart. But all my distrust was not warranted. Truly believe openness is a good thing... he may not even be aware how hurt or perhaps betrayed you feel. My hubby didn’t.

PapaTez · ‎27-04-2018

Dear warrior mum I'm a guy and a father just wanted to say stay strong keep positive, because you're not alone.

Warrior_Mum · ‎15-05-2018

Thanks Shelley Anne, your gestures do make sense. However on many previous occasions where I’ve tried to express my feelings, he has only made me feel worse by not acknowledging my feelings & even saying that my feelings are wrong!! It is difficult to open up to him when he puts the blame game on & he’s never considered that he is unsupportive. This makes it extremely hard to talk to him & express my hurt.

Warrior_Mum · ‎15-05-2018

Thank you PapaTez for your kind words, much appreciated.

White_Rose · ‎15-05-2018

Hello Warrior Mum

We haven't heard from you for a while. How are you going? Do you feel you can bring us up to date? Writing in here is a good support and a safe place to say how you feel and what you want to do. No judgement of any kind here. We would love to know how you are going.

Mary