Feeling the futility

[Tiedinknots]

Hi thanks for this facility it helps even when you don't post.

I have been in a dark place for a while. I am making my way through 20 years of pain and grief and betrayal. Some days are better than others. Still not sure if the effort to break out is worth it  or if i just roll over and let the darkness take me. 

I am still with my wife. I still love her but there is no intimacy, it feels like we are just friends living in the same house in separate rooms. She says she loves me but what i have been through with her cheating and absence broke me but i couldn't repair the relationship before she had cancer and has been ill ever since. I pushed my feelings down so deep to get us all through. Now the young one has left the nest, and some stuff has settled a bit i am dealing with the fall out, 12 years on. I can't leave. At 57 where do i go and how do i start again. I would lose everything if i did. I finally have friends that i care about and who care about me. That is novel for me. I would lose all that i have struggled so hard to build and hold onto. And for what? To be alone and lonely with no prospects. I would have to move to afford to live, i would need to still.support her financially and i would need to leave the workplace where i am working with the best people i have ever had by my side in 39 years. None of that is worth upsetting things for. But i need to resolve the whys. Am i destined to walk the rest of my days alone? Is it worth raising any of this with my wife if nothing will change? Just feeling the pain and not sure how to resolve it. Instinct says deal with it with her but in raising it i risk everything. Without her there will be no point in continuing. With her i am trapped in a relationship devoid of intimacy and i feel like i am just going through the motions. What do i do?

[randomxx]

Hi there op and so sorry about the situation.

l'm about your age and went through d 10yrs back so l realize that's a bit lower than where your at now.

l dunno , first of all though just wondering why you'd lose everything , you don't lose everything in a d usually it's split . Don't know about support though but l do know if she's had affairs that changes a lot legally. But personally l would not be staying if she had affairs either especially with no closeness left anyway and so there must also be no making it up from her.

Just wondering why you think too you'd be destined to walk alone from here though do you mean if you stay or if you leave bc if your thinking as in leaving, nah, no way. There are absolute tons of women out there around this age give or take 10-15 yrs, don't forget break ups mean 2 people end up single and sadly there's a lot of divorces so . But l realize the starting over side of it is very very daunting, just saying though that in time when you start to feel better , well. Also wondered why you'd need to leave this job although l suppose there must be a big reason.

ldk, if it were me for what it's worth , l couldn't stay in it devoid of love affection intimacy especially with her history.

Wishing you all the best in whatever path you decide .

rx

[indigo22]

Hi Tiedinknots,

Welcome, it's good that you have been finding the forums helpful and so glad you decided to reach out to us.

I completely understand your dilemma, and your reluctance to make a move, I found myself in a similar situation many years ago. I really feel some counselling would be helpful to sort through your feelings with someone neutral. It is a real struggle getting on top of feelings like betrayal and grief. You think your life is going to be one way and it turns out completely different to what you imagined. To then have to deal with supporting the person who betrayed you through a life threatening illness and bury your emotions throughout would break the strongest persons will, I have been through that also and I empathise.

The thing to remember is that you need to look after you now. Give yourself a chance to feel whole again after all you have been through. You definitely should not roll over and let the darkness envelop you, that is no way to live, the deeper you fall into that hole, the harder it will be to get out. So I suggest you begin taking steps to start the healing process, talk to your GP if you haven't already, get some support from counselling, make use of the helplines when you are struggling, find something that interests you that you can do in order to take your mind off the situation for a while each day. Meditation can also be helpful in quieting the mind. There is also an app I have been told is quite helpful called "Smiling Mind".

You are worth the effort, we all are.

Here if you would like to continue this conversation,

indigo

[Tiedinknots]

Thanks will have some proper sessions with counsellor and see where that leads me. Think i am coming to grips with things a bit better now . Just need to be sure i am seeing the right pathways ahead. Thank you again

[indigo22]

I hope you can find some clarity and direction in the near future, in the meantime, we will be here to support you when you need it.

Take care,

indigo

[Tiedinknots]

Thank you so much. I have been through a little bit in the last week or 2 that have shown me what i have and what i need to do going forward. I am thankful for the amazing people around me and think i see a pathway forward. It isn't magically fixed but i have a way out of the woods at least. I have settled the internal dialogue without surpressing the feelings which i think is healthier than what i had been doing. I had a bit of an epiphany a few days ago and the universe showed me some of its magic. Had a couple of one way chats with my dad  and myself. Reckon some of those knots are loosening finally. I need to live again for me and those that i love. I have pushed myself so far down to just survive and forgot to actually live. I needed to allow myself to move forward, allow myself to let go of the pain and anxiety and see things objectively and realistically without the lens of pain and suffering that i inflicted on myself to tough things out. You can't keep being that jard on yourself without breaking evetually. Thank you. Again expressing these things either by writing then down to order thoughts or saying them out loud in a safe place takes the pressure out and helps immensely. Thank you for providing thos facility for expression.

[indigo22]

I am so glad to hear you are feeling a bit more clear about things and loosening the knots that have been keeping you trapped in an untenable place of survival. We can so easily lose sight of ourselves and our own needs when we are caring for someone who is ill. I lost sight of myself also but joining the forums earlier this year has helped me in many ways. I think just being able to communicate with a community of people who "get it" can help us start to process the buried feelings, as you said not a magical fix but a really good start.

Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

You have made great progress already, continue to be kind to yourself.

indigo