Feeling alone and don't know how to change

[Amory]

I'm going through something at the moment and feel alone. I don't have any friends or people to turn to other than my mum who lives an hour away and we aren't very close. My sister is preoccupied with a new relationship and hasn't been as interested in me lately which upsets me too. Again my family and I have never been very close so we struggle with communication. We are there for each other though mostly.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I'm 30 and have been with my partner for 4 years and we decided last night that we should probably end things due to my intimacy and lack of affection issues. It's very sad and breaks my heart but I don't know how to change or how to move on. Neither of us want things to end but I can't force myself to break out of this bubble I'm in. Part of me feels like this is just who I am and all I want is companionship but part of me feels like I have built a huge wall and I have no idea how to break through it. I want us both to be happy maybe that means not together.

I feel so alone and have no friends. I have had friends in the past who I worked with. But as soon as we no longer work together I never hear from them again. Which upsets me greatly as I like most want to be liked and loved. Want to be sought out by people who want to spend the time. But nobody seems to want to spend the time on me. I am very thoughtful and sweet, but also funny and kind hearted. But I fear I'm becoming bitter and not wanting try, not wanting to give anymore because I receive nothing in return. But I have an undying hope that one day I will find my place. Work is probably going under soon too so I will have to face a lot of changes all at once. End of relationship, figuring out where i will live, changing jobs and trying not to fall into the abyss.

I have tried therapy before and it rarely works because I feel very indifferent most of the time but self aware of all the things I need to change. I also struggle with being happy with what I have, worrying about what I will be and what I'm not. I am always thinking I can never shut my mind of so I sleep a lot because I enjoy it but also to avoid everything I don't know how to deal with.

Thank you for those who take the time to read this. I'm really stuck and don't know what will become of me but it's better out than in.

[Guest8901]

Hi Amory and welcome to the forums.

Yes, it is better out than in. Sometimes I think the act of composing something in writing helps to put your thoughts into a sense of order and to enlighten ourselves as to where we are and what we want from life. You have very eloquently done that. So well done.

You will find many other members here who have similar experiences to yourself. And its a nice feeling to know that what we feel, what we experience, is not unique to ourselves. Although its not a nice thing at all that so many of us suffer from MH issues, it is comforting and reassuring to know that we are not alone in what we feel. I hope you can gain some much needed support, understanding and guidance from fellow members here.

Yes it does sound as though you have some significant life changes ahead of you. Never an easy time for anyone, but particularly turbulent for anyone who experiences anxiety and/or depression. I also have been diagnosed with a significant anxiety disorder and bouts of depression.

You say you've had therapy before, which you found of little benefit. Everyone is different in what works best for them. Could you perhaps speak to your GP and explain how things are to them? They may have some ideas of ways to help you. There are many options available. The obvious ones such as therapy and medications. But also many self help things such as learning coping methods to put in use yourself. This includes taking care of your physical health such as eating well and doing adequate exercise. Also self help methods such as meditation, mindfulness, relaxed breathing methods, yoga, taking part in sport and hobbies, etc.

I hope to hear from you again.

Amanda

[PamelaR]

Hello Amory

Welcome to Beyond Blue (BB) forums. We are friendly and supportive bunch of people willing to share our experiences and knowledge. Also an enormous amount of factual information available from the BB home page under facts.

I'm sorry you are feeling so very sad and you feel your heart is breaking. It's a very painful time for you. If it's okay with you, I'll look at some of the things that are causing you pain? E.g.

Ending your relationship due to intimacy and affection issues - that must be so hard for you. That wall you talk about seems to me like a protective mechanism. I do understand how painful it is for you, because I too had built a wall during my teens, 20s and 30s. It so high so no one could hurt me. Does this sound familiar to you? And, like you I had to do something about it because my relationship was on very rocky ground. At that time, I wasn't diagnosed with anxiety, depression and PTSD - mainly because I'd never talked about it with my GP. I know you've tried therapy previously but say you are very indifferent most of the time but self aware of all the things I need to change. If you really want to keep your relationship then I think you will need to revisit a therapist. A good one, who will give you strategies to help you 'break down that wall'. One technique given to me was to - visualise a thin piece of material in place of that wall. It helped some, but it took a lot of work to find out why it was there in the first place. Something you may need to do. Do you have a gp you can approach to see if you can get a Mental Health Plan and a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist?

I feel so alone and have no friends. Ouch, that is a sad place to be. I've found over the years, making and keeping friends is not easy. It takes a huge effort on my part as well as on my friends part to sustain the relationship. It's often necessary for me to make the first approaches about doing things. What I do now is - organise the first outing and then at that outing say - 'let's do this again. How about we take it in turns of organising our next met up'. I think this is especially true for the people you use to work with. Another thing I've learnt is - friends change over time as yours and their interests change.

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. If you want to chat with someone -

BB has their own on 1300 224636 (24hrs/7days)

Lifeline 13 11 14.

Continue on this thread - you'll get others responding too.

Let us know how you get on.

[Janey123]

Hi Amory

Sorry to hear about your relationship, and that you are feeling stuck. Job uncertainty, change of living arrangements, loneliness and breakups are hard enough without depression and anxiety!

Amanda's idea of speaking to your GP is a good one. Tell them honestly about the therapy you've had and how you felt about it. When I booked my first GP visit, I asked for someone who would be best to talk about mental health. Maybe you need to try a whole bunch of different therapists? My psychologist used to make me so peeved off every visit, because he made it all sound easy when it wasn't (it was simple advice, but not an easy task to change the way you see things), but I stuck with it and now I'm doing quite well.

One thing that I found helped when it all seemed overwhelming was to tackle one thing at a time. You cannot heal every aspect of your life at once. Pick one thing and focus on it.

A few examples;

Join a group activity- anything! -sport, gym, yoga, book club etc. (exercise is sooo good for anxiety and self esteem)

Visit GP and get professional help

Get a new apartment (maybe find a roommate?)

Tackle one thing at a time, and then move on to something new. These things will all add up in the long run.

Keep using the forums too, they are really supportive and a great place to chat with people when you are feeling lonely.

Janey xx

[Amory]

Thank you all for the replies. I'm currently going through the feeling sorry for myself stage and am still processing the situation. It's really hard for me to approach someone and ask for support because of the wall I have built. I am on the fence about trying therapy again and really trying to change for myself and to save my relationship or ending things and working on myself alone.

I'm hoping to spend some time with my sister tomorrow and have been looking to join a meet up group. I know action is key but right now I am paralyzed from all the thoughts and sadness in my mind, I can't see my future clearly. I've also made myself so afraid of saying I will really try to work on my relationship because I can't guarantee if I will. I'm also scared we will just fall into the same pattern again because of my reluctance to move forward.

Thankyou everyone again for your words. Reading them made me cry because I feel so alone and that nobody cares but they do. I just need to tell them I'm not ok. But I don't know how to start the conversation or who I want to start it with. I know I want support and someone to care for me.

For right now I will go for a walk to get some dinner and try to watch something funny.

[PamelaR]

Hi Amory

Sorry to make you cry Amory. It's so hard when you feel the way you are. But feeling sorry for yourself, I think is okay. Sometimes we need to do this, because we feel no one else cares. From your posts I get this impression, you are feeling that way.

Great to hear though you're going for a walk - it's a good healer, as is good food and funny movies.

It sounds like you have many things to think about and things to talk about, like, do you really want the relationship or not. Above and beyond that, you may need to think about how you think your life is going to progress, especially with relationships.

It also seems like you had a close relationship with your sister who you confide in, but isn't available to talk with now. Is that right? Maybe there is someway you can communicate to her you need her support??

[Kalinda123]

Hi Armory. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I just wanted to comment on your feeling that you don't have friends because others don't make the effort. I think this is a very common feeling, and partially I think it is often to do with a feeling that you are being rejected due to someone not contacting you to make the first move. So you are assuming that someone does not like you. This is called mind reading.

People have many reasons for not making the first move, especially in new friendships. It's often to do with their own insecurities or busy lives, maybe they're just bad at organising stuff, maybe for whatever reason they don't value their mental health or friendships as much as you, and could learn something from you! In any case it's nothing to do with who you are.

I have just been through a period where I made a big effort to make friends. My best advice is - ignore that feeling. Just go ahead and make the effort anyway. At the end of the day, if that is the way it is and other people are genuinely not making the effort to make the first move, then your options are a) to spend your time alone and not meet up with people because they didn't make the effort to call you, or b) make the effort to call them and organise something and have people in your life regardless of who organised it. Which option do you prefer?

If you are able and willing to organise a get together with a friend, which it sounds like you are, then go for it. Don't ever worry about who approached who first, and don't get worried about doing the organising for something that allows you to have connections with people.

[Janey123]

Sorry to make you cry Amory! Lots of people care! You don't have to have all the answers right now, just be gentle tp yourself and take small steps in the right direction, you'll get there 🙂