feeling overwhelmed and lonely

[Kalinda123]

Hello there.
My first posting, hope you're all having a lovely day, or at least that there is one thing lovely in your day 🙂

I have dealt with anxiety my whole life but I have really only started to tackle this in the last year or so after a breakup with my last partner. She also had anxiety/depression but much more severe, and at the end of that relationship I felt I had in a way taken on a lot of this depression, had stopped talking to people and making new friends. Over the last couple of years I have made an enormous effort to make friends and reconnect with people. Sometimes it has been very very hard but I feel in a place now where I have a decent amount of nice friends and even acquaintances that I can see every now and then. I have also seen a psychologist and been on a few medications and tried mindfulness, yoga, and a lot of reading about these issues. I am still struggling though.

I have ongoing anxiety, and have a problem with insomnia which becomes worse when I’m stressed. And this spirals into worrying about looking tired and not wanting to go out, and more anxiety, and more insomnia, you know the drill!

I have had a terrible crush on someone for a long while now. But I think I have finally worked out that the person does not have an interest in me, and perhaps I don’t even think we would be good together. While this may be a good thing to realise, having realised this I have felt just terrible over the last few days, dealing with residual feelings of attraction and rejection. Almost like I have broken up with someone, and like I will never be with anyone and there is something wrong with me. I feel terribly lonely. I started reading the forums and it made me feel a little like I wasnt alone in this kind of feeling, so that is why I decided to post today.

Another thing I really struggle with is social media. It seems mandatory to use it these days and I feel I would have missed out on a lot of events and planning with my friends if I was not on it. But it has often descended into an obsession of constant checking and rechecking, I get anxious whenever I post or message someone on there, going over and over in my head whether I have said the right thing/how I could have said something better/whether the joke I made may be taken as an insult, etc. I feel like social media should make connecting easier but it makes it harder for me. Does anyone else have this ridiculous problem?! How do you deal with it?

[Birdy77]

Hi Kalinda 😊

Welcome here, I'm so glad you posted

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so lonely, but glad that reading through some threads here has made you feel less alone. There are many people here who share your feelings, we support each other.

You sound like you have a good, positive attitude to making friends and being proactive with your mental health.

I think your feelings about social media are quite common.. I'll tell you how i deal with it and that is that i don't do it. I know i probably miss out on invites, and people don't remember my birthday, but i just don't want to engage in it, it makes me feel too anxious. Other people here will have better advice on that 😊.

Just wanted to say welcome and you can write as much as you like in here ir on any thread that catches your attention.

🌻birdy

[Kalinda123]

Hi Birdy

Thanks for responding. Happy birthday (or unbirthday) 😉

Yes, I have tried to disengage with social media a number of times. I think eventually I will manage it, or at least manage not to care about it or check it. But I feel at the moment as though I will lose some early friendships if I do. Having said that, if I list the established good friends that I have and ask myself if I need facebook to keep in touch with them, the answer is definitely no.

I do welcome anyone's advice on that though, I have read that facebook can be like a gambling addiction. I have never had that addiction but I can definitely see the resemblance.

[Birdy77]

Dear Kalinda,

😁 happy birthday (or unbirthday) to you too 😁 you gave me a lol there, thanks for that!

Yep, i understand that the new friendships might die off if you disengaged from the ol' social media scene, but you're right, your established friends will probably go to the amazing effort of actually calling/emailing/texting you, as if it was 2005 or some prehistoric time like that.

I can understand your feelings that have come up after you've sort of "let go" on the possibility of being with the person you've had feelings for ... for so long your energy has been channeled in that direction and now i guess it's a matter of redurecting that energy. Go gently with yourself on that, you will get there.

Coming out of that relationship in which you feel you took on a lot of your partner's issues can be tricky too, it sounds like you've conscientiously experimented with lots of healthy actions and distractions to help you with that.

i think lots of things can become addictive ... i often wonder at people who are contantly on social media, taking the perfect selfie, photographing every freakin meal they make or coffee they drink ... are they really living? Like really living in the now, or is the obsession of presenting what they are doing distracting them from what they are actually doing? I hope you know what i mean.

Hope you are having a lovely afternoon.

🌻birdy

[Croix]

Dear Kalinda123~

I'd like to thank you for steering ShaunaB into a better area. Unfortunately if someone posts in an old thread they are not always seen. It was very thoughtful of you.

I'm a bit like Birdy and only use social media if there is a specific reason, and not for social interaction. Apart from the fact that one can spend one's life constantly checking it (which is not that good for one, almost an obsession I guess) I think we are basically used to face-to-face when dealing with others and trying to do the same thing in an environment where just about all unconscious feedback is missing is stressful, and very often misleading. Not really ideal for someone prone to anxiety.

As a result one can re-visit what one and others have said endlessly, wondering what was the meaning behind the words or how they were taken. I don't know how to fix that, so I leave the whole scene alone.

Being attracted to someone and not having those feelings returned is hard - even if a common occurrence. In the initial stages the mind (if you are like me) would build up scenes and imaginings where things are going right. Then when one finds it is all a house of cards and has fallen over it is, as you say, almost like breaking up an established relationship.

It really is no reflection on you. From your actions you are a caring and imaginative person and do not take a passive approach to life. The way you have described the things you have done to cope with your depression and anxiety I think you would have a lot to offer another.

It's unfortunate that previous relationship a couple of years ago brought you down, it can happen. There are some situations that are simply too much in the long term. Not being on top of the anxiety as yet does not mean it won't happen. As you are already seeking medical support may I ask if this is a situation where you continue to work frequently with your medical team and change your regime as needed to adapt to current problems? I've found the need to do this often on occasions.

You may find the following couple of links useful:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/sleeping-well

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/self-help-tips-for-managing-anxiety/

The last one is long, but I've found useful content. I've also found the free smartphone app Smiling Mind very useful for calming down anxious thoughts, perhaps it might help at night?

I hope you find this place useful and continue to post

Croix

[Determined1]

Hi Kalinda,

Welcome! 🙂 I’m new here too, only posted quite recently and already hooked because of the amazing feedback received. I too suffer with anxiety and have only started tackling it myself within the last few months, not really understanding that it’s been my biggest issue over the last 10 years. My recent breakup was a wake up call that I needed some help. You have a great attitude and already doing things to get you into a better mindset which is commendable. Yoga, socialising, meditating are all great things! I recommend long walks in lovely parks or along the beach.

I struggle to fall asleep on nights when I have too much on my mind, but I find meditation right before bed helps.

As for social media, I agree that it can spike anxiety. I deactivated my account a little while ago and haven’t looked back. I feel that if people want to contact me they know my number. Don’t forget that on social media people only post their best pictures.. this doesn’t mean their life is any better or more amazing. I think this is what gets people anxious because we have a natural tendency to compare ourselves and our lives.

When you feel at your most anxious, take a minute to take a few really deep belly breaths and focus on that breath. You can do this daily as many times as you like. I’ll often do this on my lunch break, in the car on the way to work/home, before bed and even on toilet breaks 😛 it really makes a difference because it forces you to slow down.

I hope this has helped a little 🙂

[Kate1117]

Hi Kalinda,

I think I know what you mean about taking on some of the issues of a partner with more severe problems. I've been wondering myself if a sensitive or pre-disposed person can start to struggle with their own mental state after spending a lot of time supporting someone with problems.

I've found that spending my time supporting someone with their medication, appointments, therapy, talking about their feelings and trying to keep everything going when they're having bad times (most of the time)... it can shift the mental energies towards the more negative thoughts.

Anyway, it's time for YOU now. I hope all the effort you're putting in to yourself begins to give you the results you want. I hope I can follow in your steps and put in the effort to turn my own struggle around.

[Kalinda123]

Thanks everyone. Really nice to read these posts.

Kate - yes I do think you can start to struggle with a struggling partner. Although I feel I was never really in the 'caring' role that gets so much attention - I didn't really know what was going on so was not really able to do any caring. Honestly I didn't really notice myself going downhill and it wasn't until the end of the relationship that I really got into perspective the struggle she was going through and was shocked at the place I had got to. I had asked a couple of times to go to her counsellor with her and tried to find out more about what was going on but she was not able/willing to talk about it. It was hell to end the relationship but I can see it was better for me - she has continued to go downhill and is now unemployed and more isolated. I have at least made the steps I have written about above. I worry for her but can't do a thing about it (we are still friends). You are right, it is time for ME in capitals 🙂 An excellent conclusion, also for you 🙂

The comments re social media and 'are people really living' and they only post their best pictures. This is true. It is a struggle and makes me unhappy to see people with families, friends, getting told how beautiful they are in their selfies, going out together, etc. I think partly because I compare, especially when I am feeling down. It is hard to turn it around in the moment but I totally agree - it is not real life. They are no better or happier than me, and you have to remember to ask 'why does this person need to post like this when they are already supposedly so happy and contented with what they are doing and who they're with?'. Anyway, it can all lead to very confusing feelings for those of us with anxiety. Glad to hear it's not just me. I don't think people talk about it that much.

Also thanks Croix for reminding me that having wanted something that didn't happen is not a reflection on who I am. I think I'm struggling with that the most. I like your profile pic :).. Alice in Wonderland?

[Croix]

Dear Kalinda123~

I guess when we want something we can almost live it. This makes it hard when nothing actually happens. It does not matter if the target is winning the lottery, getting a new job or a relationship. The mind builds it up.

Disappointment is hard to bear and the only thing I've found to work at all is to distract myself with other things, and in this sort of case engage in social life with others.

To be rejected by someone is of course worse, however from your post it is hard to tell if you were actually rejected or simply not regarded in the first place.

Sorry I can't say more, as I said though I doubt it is any reflection on you. People can be completely oblivious. I think to break off with that other person and still remain friends is indicative of sensitivity.

You are right about the avatat, it is John Tenniel's walrus from Briny Beach, an illustration from Alice though the Looking Glass. Some maintain there is a resemblance:)

Croix

[Kalinda123]

I think anxiety can make you more obsessive in creating those initial fantasies, which is what I think I've managed to do.

I did think maybe we liked each other for a while and was hoping to continue to get to know her better. But I did become very awkward around her and part of my worry is that this has contributed to my not being able to move anything forward. So I have not been verbally rejected, no. But I have felt now like she's lost any interest. Or perhaps my brain has just finally decided this is not happening for me. Considering the lack of movement I should be way less devastated. 🙂 But I'm not, I'm picking it all over in my brain and giving myself an extremely stressful time ..about nothing. I would like to think of other things but it is very difficult to concentrate.