Feel myself falling but not stopping..

[Not_today]

Hi!

I'm new and well kinda just wanted to chat. I'm lost... So lost. It's been a couple yrs since the last time I've been so depressed that it took over. Not getting out of bed, not sleeping, being angry, frustrated, sad but numb at the same time. Its a physical pain and it hurt so much everyday. It was so weird to go from a happy, non crier, strong inpendent person to someone who cried everyday and didn't want to sleep because it meant having to wake up tomorrow and start the pretending all again. It crushed me.

Fast forward to now, I have my up and down days but I feel myself struggling recently. Just at life. I am so stress and have been sick for a while now like one thing after the other making it so hard to be positive.Finding the energy to do uni, work, life is becoming impossible. I've tried to take time off but it all comes back.I have a great support network great friends ,an amazing boyfriend but but they haven't had depression and it's so hard to explain.I have temporary moments of feeling good then it disappears so quick. It's also hard being the mess in the relationship also he does everything he can to support me. Normally I can pull myself out of it, find my own happiness and be ok. This time though I can see myself falling back into that dark hole but this time it's like I'm just watching myself walk straight into it and not caring that I am. I just feel like being shitty and depressed would take less energy then trying to be positive and keep going everyday.On top of that I feel lost in my faith which hasn't helped I feel so disconnected.

Is it bad that I just wanna give in for a bit, I need a break, God I need break. I just wanna be in my dark hole and cry and release all mental shit. So I can come back and be who I am again. Be able to do life... Or is that just a trick from depression to grab u again and not let go.

[PamelaR]

Hello Not Today

You are sounding quite down at the moment. It's good you've found your way to the Beyond Blue (BB) forums. Welcome to the forums! People who post here are not counsellors or therapists, though they do have experience with mental illness. They are friendly, caring, supportive and respective of privacy.

I know that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, not sleeping, being sad. Not a great place to be, however, it can and does get better. Then there'll be times when it does latch on again. It's finding what works for you.I guess one of the biggest things is not to be afraid of it. Have a look at an excellent thread under the Depression forum Depression Fight it or Embrace It. Lots of people chatting about how they manage their ups and downs.

It is important to talk about how you're feeling. Can you talk with your mum? Or are you seeing a doctor or therapist to help you? That would be something I'd do. Go to my gp and get a referral to a psychologist.

If you want to chat on line, BB have a chat line available between 3pm and 12am. Or if you want to talk to, their support service is 1300 22 4636 or try Lifeline 13 11 14.

Let us know how you get on.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Croix]

Dear Not today~

I'd like to join PamelaR in welcoming you here. Depression reaching back for you after you have been better is so hard, not only do you have all the symptoms you have described so clearly, but you wonder if depression will always be there, pulling you down after good times.

I can only say in my own case depression has become less and less of a problem over the years, I can't say it never strikes, but less frequently by far, and less intense too. I live a pretty good life notwithstanding.

You sound as if you have a pretty full plate with both work and uni, is this a particularly worrying time for you? Taking time off probably makes you feel a little better until it is time to return, then the pressures just crowd on back in again.

I too have always had a wonderful support network, my family has been more than anyone could expect. I do have one thing you have not mentioned - medical support.

May I ask if you are under treatment? If so I'd be thinking of going back and asking for my regime to be reviewed. I found mine needed altering to combat changing conditions. Of course if you are not seeing a doctor now would be exactly the right time to start. Can I suggest a long appointment so you have time to give a clear picture of what is happening?

I can relate to worrying about being the mess in the relationship, however as time has gone on I've been able to contribute and have sometimes been the strong one. So it's a balance over the years. Not a short term debt. If you have a loving boyfriend he will want to look after you, and will feel better for doing so. Your turn will come, just as mine did.

I can't say about faith, except to say when not pressed right down with depression things can appear very different.

I do hope you can feel this place is here for you and that you can talk with people that understand

Croix

[smallwolf]

Just tagging for now. I will reply to your comments about faith when I get to my laptop tomorrow. I understand what you are thinking, and was in a similar position to you. Right now understand there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Smallwolf

[smallwolf]

Not Today,

After reading your initial post and one of the replies, I assume by faith you refer to a belief in god/God - whatever that means to you. I am also trying to be as general as possible in my reply here also on faith and religion. If I am wrong, I apologise. If I am correct, then keep reading...

I am a christian (anglican) who attends church. (Don't worry, I am not in the business of converting people) I will admit to having tried christian meditations as well. Suffice to say these were deleted after the first listen. And I have no idea about religious related counceling services. I have had all sorts of reactions from people in the church community in relation to my issues (anxiety/depression). I have had people say "you need to pray more" or "God only gives us what we can handle" etc. These statements I do not find helpful. Conversely other people gave gone out of their way to check on me and make sure I am OK. Also, keep in mind that I have been somewhat selective in who I told, so not everyone knows. And that is the trick and issue. From a society perspective, because mental illness are not spoken about, people don't really know how to react. Unfortunately! And because the church is part of society, the same problem occurs there. Until you can find some people within that space who have been through it and know and understand what you are going through.

But I am quite certain that no god/God would go "I think Smallwolf needs depression" and/or give it to me. My thought is that events and/or experiences throughout our lives have contributed to the way we are in any given moment. Similarly, it is also like the story of the two wolves, one is darkness and the other hope. The one that wins in the one that is fed. Pamela put that poem onto my story one time (A Common Story?) which I could relate to.

Rather god/God might be revealed through the actions of others, which includes someone being there just to listen and help. And if people did tell you to "pray more", then they are not really being sensitive to your needs. And part of all religions (?) there is a component of social justice, and concern for the poor, outcast etc. (Whether religious institutions live up to this different debate that does not belong on this forum.)

I hope this helps a little. Let me know what you think?

[vick3y]

whatever you are going through is exactly how I am going through right now. I don't even know what depressions are until few months ago. I thought I was just sad. I cried so many times and have no energy to do anything.

I have an amazing boyfriends who support me and trying to get me out of this. Sometimes I can but then some other time I am back in the same hole again.

I am worried that one day everyone will be just tired of me. Well I am tired of me so I wouldn't blame them. I want to be positive but you are right like the effort of being miserable is easier than being strong.

I am not sure how can I get out of this.. I want to be happy again like I used too.

[vick3y]

Your post have given me strength. Couple of my friends and family are very religious. They always say about I have to pray or god has plan for me. They also said the only way for me to get out this situations if I surrender to Him. Someday I could see and understand. But sometime for me it just doesn't work. I am worry that I will never getting out of this situations.

[Not_today]

Thank you for the reference, ill check out fight it or embrace it and have a read. Hopefully I find something that relates to me. I can talk to mum shes really good but she's a single mum with a whole lot on her plate. Not that shouldn't help but she needs a break too. I am considering going to the doctor but I think I am being a bit naive and hoping it goes away before having to going through that whole process.

[blondguy]

Hi Not Today

You are stronger than you think. It takes courage to post on the forums and good on you!

I understand you as I felt the same way when I was younger. There are many people (including me) that see a GP when we are struggling.

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by having a chat with your GP. I would be surprised if you didnt feel better after a double or single appointment 🙂

You are not alone....I hope that you can stick around the forums if you wish

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Not_today]

Hi Croix,

I appreciate the response. It is good to hear from someone that's been through it. I have noticed that this time isn't as heavy , idk how to describe it. I think I'm more aware of it this time and as you said I hope that it does become less and less of the problem. I'm not having any treatment or anything, back then I saw a psychologist for a bit but I didn't want to be like oh I have depression and it wasn't the most helpful thing. To be completely honest although I know I should not but I compare myself so much to others. I have never been worried about suicide, I couldn't do that too my mum and I still value life. At my worse I have thought of just disappearing, leaving to somewhere random fading away. I feel like all I hear about depression is suicide and im not at that point. Is that weird to feel like that you degrade your own issues because of what has been said. Also in the back of mind I secretly dont want to officially know that im not in control of my emotions if that makes any sense.

We are only a year in so, pretty early and he knows about my shit, and as you said ill now try believe that it evens out. I just find it hard to tell him on a daily basis , just like saying all the time "hows your day" I say good and great but how do you say empty and shitty and not great. It doesn't put him in a good potion. Can you relate? how do you do it in a long term relationship. Sometimes I just want to leave his amazing loving messages just because im like I cant deal with happy today.