Feel myself falling but not stopping..

[Not_today]

Hi!

I'm new and well kinda just wanted to chat. I'm lost... So lost. It's been a couple yrs since the last time I've been so depressed that it took over. Not getting out of bed, not sleeping, being angry, frustrated, sad but numb at the same time. Its a physical pain and it hurt so much everyday. It was so weird to go from a happy, non crier, strong inpendent person to someone who cried everyday and didn't want to sleep because it meant having to wake up tomorrow and start the pretending all again. It crushed me.

Fast forward to now, I have my up and down days but I feel myself struggling recently. Just at life. I am so stress and have been sick for a while now like one thing after the other making it so hard to be positive.Finding the energy to do uni, work, life is becoming impossible. I've tried to take time off but it all comes back.I have a great support network great friends ,an amazing boyfriend but but they haven't had depression and it's so hard to explain.I have temporary moments of feeling good then it disappears so quick. It's also hard being the mess in the relationship also he does everything he can to support me. Normally I can pull myself out of it, find my own happiness and be ok. This time though I can see myself falling back into that dark hole but this time it's like I'm just watching myself walk straight into it and not caring that I am. I just feel like being shitty and depressed would take less energy then trying to be positive and keep going everyday.On top of that I feel lost in my faith which hasn't helped I feel so disconnected.

Is it bad that I just wanna give in for a bit, I need a break, God I need break. I just wanna be in my dark hole and cry and release all mental shit. So I can come back and be who I am again. Be able to do life... Or is that just a trick from depression to grab u again and not let go.

[Not_today]

Hey Smallwolf,

Thanks for taking the time to post.

I'm christian too well... I am in heart, I fall in and out of practice. I 110% understand what you mean, prayer is not always the answer. My best friend and I are both really the only faith based people in our friendship group so we stick together. Although it is so hard because when she hits tough times ( not depression just bad patches in life) she turns to god, finds more strength, wisdom and peace within him. But for me I turn away. I fight it so hard, I lose my faith, I get anger with god and his ways. Like you said I do agree that no god puts depression on someone. But depression and other issues happen to people and it hard not having the faith to least ground you a bit.You are right though I need to open my eyes a bit more to what he might have reveled, who knows maybe that is why im on this website... maybe ... maybe not but you know what I mean. It is a very hard topic depression and religion.

[Not_today]

Hey Vick3y's

It is nice to know other people are out there we aren't all alone feeling like this. It is so hard and gosh I want to be happy again like I used to be too!!

I do believe that god has a plan but I wouldn't believe what your friends are saying praying and if you surrender to him wont get you out of what you are in. I think no prayer is un heard but in my experience they dont give you the strength and the direct help needed at that moment. Well at least thats how it feels. I think we just gotta keep at it.

In terms of your friends, I feel this too so much. People getting sick of you. But although its hard in your relationships do know that they wont get tried of you. I know ever since previously having a boyfriend and friends that struggle with depression and anxiety. As the friend I never was like oh gosh im sick of this, no that doesnt happen if they are your true friends they will be there for you and try help you the best they can. They wont get sick of you or tired despite what we think. This is probably the one good thing I learnt out of the last time I felt soo down and shitty. There is always someone willing to help

[Not_today]

Hi Croix,

I thought I posted a response but i must have forgotten to post. Im do agree that this time is less heavy if that makes any sense. I find calmness knowing that it's a less of a problem over the years hopefully that's what happens.

In terms of medical support. I went to a psychology a while back when it initially came up but it was very casually. I also feel like I compare to others so much which I know I shouldn't. All I hear about depression is suicide in all media and all around me. But I couldn't do that to my mum and I value my life. I still want to live. So in comparison it feels like I'm not struggling that bad. When I get like this I just want to disappear or run away for a bit. Not that I ever do it. Soo thus I think I hate the idea of actually being told I have depression. Also naive me is hoping it all goes away soon so I dont have to go through the process of finding a new psychologist.

It's reassuring that it evens out over the years. Although how do u deal with it on a daily basis that's what I struggle with. He knows all my shit and I've talked about it before but when he's so lovingly says how's ur day. I say good but all I want to say is shitty empty and sad. How many times can u say that ya know. I don't want to shut him out but I recently just have the feeling of ignoring him while I feel like.

Thanks for all the advice!

[smallwolf]

Hi,

I noticed in your post above that you hated the idea of being told you have depression. While I might agree with you on some level, once you know (?) what it is you can then take steps to manage it. For me, it validates the way I was feeling. And I knew that it wasn't just in my head.

From a media perspective you are probably right comparing depression and suicide. But the reality is not all that. While I have been said to be suicidal, i also want to live, just like you. There is no intent, no plan. Like you I wanted to disappear. And that was when I was given stress leave.

Not sure how old you are, but you said that you couldn't tell your mother. She might already know (?) It have an idea? My mother was the first person I spoke to, and she recommended I see a GP, among other things. It also depends on how much your parents know about depression. My father is on antidepressants, so she had some ideas already. The more people that knew or know I suffer from depression the easier it is for me. I don't have to wear a mask and pretend to be something that I am not.

As for how I cope with it on a daily basis... That is a work in progress. I find that each day is a little different to the last. Some days I feel ok, and the next am down again. I just do what I have to do each day, then rinse and repeat.

Every blessing,

Smallwolf

[Not_today]

hey small wolf,

Thats true, I am considering going to the doctors soon, I am very against meds but in saying an appointment with a psychology will help. I also fear being told its nothing, but I guess I gotta go and try get help. In terms of mum she knows already I told her back when it first happened. Its more telling her when its really hard. But its a little hard for her to understand for her shes had depression but she had it cause my dad pasted away when I was very little, causing her to go into a state of depression and her sadness is associated with that. For me there is no cause really, sometimes there are triggers but it just happens. So it is hard to talk, I do try and she tries. She offers to help and take me to the GP. Im 19, young I guess .Its more I know how much it upsets her seeing me like this and I dont like dumping it all on her.

its kinda comforting knowing that you have your ups and downs simply knowing its not something foreign to everyone. we all have it.

Thanks 🙂 Hope everyday gets a bit better

[smallwolf]

Not today,

What if you did the

Anxiety and depression checklist (K10)

from the beyondblue web site. You should also pay attention to any "physical" symptoms you might have, such as racing heart, chest tightness, sweating, lump in throat, sore stomach etc.

Depression can also be hereditary. My dad is on anti-depressants so this increases the chances his children (ie me) will be also. Guess who won the prize!

Not sure if I mentioned this earlier, but as to what you tell your immediate loved ones... I tell them what they need to know. For example, they know I had nightmares when I started on anti-depressants. But I did not tell them the contents of those dreams. Only a very few people select people have that information. That way, they know what I am going through without the gory details. But I should point out that I also have a psych* and people in my support group that have been where I am and have a good understanding of mental illness.

I am not sure whether you wear as mask to those around you or at your church? (You said you were a christian in an earlier post.) But when people ask me how I am going, I am honest these days. I will not say that I am OK if I don't feel it. And sometimes, I will get a response that leads to a conversation about their own dark times or they will offer support, of they won't know how to react. But again, that is knowing or working out who you can talk to. I have a couple of ways of knowing who to talk to within a church scenario.

All that I can say is that being honest with how you are feeling with other people has lead to an increasing support group (for me). It might work for you? (There are still a lot of people that don't know and I won't tell them but...)

And if you wanted a idea how I worked out I needed to see a GP, I went to google and typed in, "racing heart, lump in throat, ..." and one of the links that popped up was for beyondblue and I did the K10 check next.

All the best,

Tim

Tim

[Not_today]

Hey Tim,

I tried the quiz a couple times on a couple days and it varies as you would except. Some days worse than others. Mum has mention that dads side of the family had a bit of depression so possibly from that my genetics could have be impacted. The idea of how much to tell people is very useful thankyou gives a clear picture at how I should I approach it.

In terms of church, I don't really go to church much any more since I work Sunday mornings. So when I talk about my faith its more just my personal relationship with god than anything. I mean there are people I can talk to at church but I feel like I dont go that often anymore to make that somewhere to share all details.

I've had a good couple days and im hoping it stays that way but I will be seeking a GP as soon as I can get an appointment. Thanks - S