family and moving out

[wolfy_4812]

sorry it is my first time on here. don't get me wrong I love my family and all, I just feel like im ready to move out of home now. my dad is proud of me that I want to move out and all but my mum doesn't want to let me go. and its really hard because we get into big arguments about it and its starting to hurt a lot. I don't want to cut my family off completely I still want to see them and all but its hard when mum doesn't want to let go of me and do my own thing. I just don't really know what to do anymore and just feel like im constantly disappointing her and I hate it. sometimes she doesn't really like me going anywhere and I hate having to feel like lying to her or getting upset cause I cant go anywhere. I don't like to be stuck at home all day I like to go out a lot and do my own thing with friends, footy, basketball and work. just need some advice...

[uncut_gems]

Hi Wolfy,

Welcome to the forum! Moving away from home can be one of the hardest and most rewarding parts of our journey to independence. As I'm sure you know, moving out doesn't mean the end of your relationship with your family, but the beginning of a new chapter. Many people, myself included, found that moving away from home helped them to do a lot of personal growth and actually develop an even deeper relationship with the family they used to live with.

If you feel comfortable, would you mind sharing a little bit more information about your situation? Are you moving out to go to uni? How far away are you going?

Best,
Gems

[MissBenthos]

Hi Wolfy,

No need to apologise, there's nothing wrong with feeling ready to move out - assuming you are old enough to have that level of independence. It almost sounds like your mum is the one who needs some help letting you have independence. One thing you could try to ease tensions is to set up a plan with her for what moving out looks like, her concerns could be coming from a place of worry about you. This could be showing her your financial plan or doing things around the house to demonstrate you are capable of taking care of yourself. Locking in time with her by setting a schedule of visiting her on X day each week, calling her or writing to her so she knows she has that sacred time with you rather than the unknown of you disappearing unsure of when she might or might not hear from you again.

Do you know where her overly attached behaviour is coming from? Do you think it could be worth doing some family counseling together?

All the best xo

[wolfy_4812]

hi uncut_gems

thank you for the reply, i know i need a bit more help in communicating with mum at times because i find it hard communicating with mum because i feel like at the moment i cannot have a proper conversation with her without starting and argument or just that i cant speak how i feel because i will be scared that she will start an argument. i am currently trying my best to work on it. my mum knows im not the type to go out partying or doing drugs. sometimes i will need a break because i feel stressed in the house so i will go drive down to the beach and i will tell mum that i need a break but she will still keep calling me and txting me a million times and it makes me more stressed so when i come home i still wont be in the right mindset and it doesnt help and just not sure what to do when i need my space. i doo worry about her as well.

[wolfy_4812]

hi missbenthos

thank you for replying. i believe the overly attachment may be coming from me not wanting to be at home any more and the more she wants me home the more i dont want to be home. we may need some counselling together but its hard because i feel like i cannot openly talk to her about things like i used to and i just wont want that argument with her. i know i need to communicate more with my mum but it is hard. mum has been teaching me how to save my own work money since ive had my job and she doesnt often give me money anymore. and i can manage the costs of managing a car but i believe that i can start to movee out with a friend and still be able to cope financially.

[MissBenthos]

The idea of counseling is to facilitate better communication. My suggestions are ideas to show her that you can do it, rather than you assuming that she knows you can do it. It's better to be on the same page so you can understand where each other are coming from.

Another couple of strategies you could look into would be conflict resolution and setting boundaries.

[wolfy_4812]

Hi, things with me and my mum have been a lot better I am pretty much living with my boyfriend and it has been pretty good, I also visit my parents nearly everyday to make sure everything is ok and to say hi to them. I have been coping well with the situation although corona virus has been a bit of a set back and have not really been able to do anything but sit at home and try entertain ourselves.

[MissBenthos]

That's great to hear 🙂

[uncut_gems]

So glad to hear that wolfy 🙂 Hunkering down with loved ones and keeping ourselves busy counts as a win in my book these days.