Depression or PTSD?

JohnnyS · ‎15-11-2018

I have been with my ex gf (not sure if we are together) for 1 year it was the most incredible year but slowly she started to open up about a period in her life that effected her where she was a victim of DV. Everything was incredible talking about family, life now/future, common interests, holidays and kids. Then in the space of a week she broke off our relationship as she couldn't be a GF, wife, mother and doubts were coming out of know where, total 360d backflip for all our excitement. Work was overwhelming her and she just had a death in the family and the guy that caused the DV from 5 years ago reared his ugly head.

I want to make it work with her as she is the most incredible kind hearted girl anyone has met and can see a future with her, but I don't know what i can do? I offered to be there for her helping her along the way but she pushed me away, it was like she was a different person. I have given her space (as hard as its been not calling or messaging) as she said she will see someone about her issues but I also don't know if it was depression from the culmination of issues hitting all at once of if it was the guy popping up and the DV scared her, and is a sign of PTSD?

Croix · ‎15-11-2018

Dear JohnnyS~

Welcome here to the Forum. I am very sorry to hear of what has happened, it is a really hard time for you, the uncertainly of if you will get back together, not knowing what to do, and concern for her welfare, as well as simply missing the relationship.

I don't think it matters what label you give things, it sounds as if your gf is overwhelmed, with job, a death and the reappearance of the guy who was violent. Domestic violence is not straightforward in that it can leave effects well beyond the physical.

Fear, self-blame , shame and depression are often after-effects to name a few. Under those circumstances the confidence to deal with life simply is not there.

I guess the most imortant thing is for your gf to have professional help, and anything you can do to encourage that would be most helpful. If you think you are not the most effective person to do that maybe there might be someone else in her life she could be persuaded by.

Apart from that letting her know you are there for her is probably the best you can do at the moment. Occasionally being in contact and seeing how you go.

It would be very natural for you to feel not only powerless but also that in some way you might have at least in part caused this breakup. From the sounds of it that is simply not the case.

You are welcome to come here as often as you like, being alone with all this is not easy. Do you have anyone in your life you can get support from, someone to talk things over with?

Croix

JohnnyS · ‎17-11-2018

Thankyou for your words Croix.

I has been incredibly hard as we did breakup and it went from 1 extreme of being a loving caring couple to nothing and all self doubt from her side, it happened so quick and no signs it was as though a switch was flicked off.

She did say she needs to go see a professional again and i believe she is quite proactive in that, but with what she has gone through perviously, i don't know how many sessions or time it will take her to realise she has pushed us apart and in effect hurt me. I have offered her help and to be her rock but she said she best deals with this on her own, hence i have given her space and not rotated her for around a month. I understand each person is different but how much time would she need to have a bit of clarity and start to potentially think about us and our relationship?

Thanks,

John

Croix · ‎17-11-2018

Dear John~

I'm not sure anyone can answer your question. If I look at myself I kept getting worse, more isolated bad less in touch with myself for a very long time, however that was before getting the right professional help. After that still a fair while, but as I'd left things go to the point where I could not function that's not surprising.

For me I knew "in theory" I probably loved my family, but still wanted to be away from them and everyone else. As I imported I came back to wanting to be wiht them.

How may parallel's you can draw with your GF I'm not sure, all I can say is if I'm an example there is hope.

Do you have people in your life, maybe family or a friend, who can give you support now?

Croix

JohnnyS · ‎18-11-2018

Thankyou for giving me a brief insight into how you dealt with it and experienced.

She is close to her family but they live in another state jut to make it harder. I know she will draw strength from them in this time as well as getting professional help.

I have family that are good but not understanding really of the situation, she has and is going through as they just tell me to move on and essentially give her a time frame for when i should hear from her or reconcile, but i don't want to be pushy towards her. I think she is over the work stress and family death its now her time to switch off and think about the depression she has and work on that. I suppose this break we are having i can also work on myself to gain a better understanding of what she went through and currently going through as i want our relationship to blossom if we re-connect as hard as it is waiting and not being in contact.

Are there any good links that you can direct me towards, that can explain better the DV she suffered and the consequences in relation to her depression/isolation?

Kind Regards,

John

Croix · ‎18-11-2018

Dear JohnnyS~

I guess in some ways your family is typical of those that have not had to face illness, a lack of experience can make for hasty decisions. The only time to allow for things to change is what seems OK to you, and I've no advice on that.

I'd suggest Relationships Australia might be a good starting point, as might our own 24/7 Help Line 1300 22 4636 . They can most probably steer you towards the information you seek. There are many who have to support someone who has lived thought domestic violence. So there is advice out there.

I am not sure one needs complete understanding, after all unless you have walked in the shoes you are not going to know all. Care is the basis.

My wife did not have any experience of my illness, but by trial and error came to know what was needed. Her presence and love was the mainstay for me.

Again I've no idea what will happen, but we are here to talk and listen as much as you would like

Croix