[Constructive title pending...]

[NobleAlarc32]

I’ll try to keep this intro as brief as possible...

Hi! My name is [INSERT NAME], and I have virtually no self-esteem. I look forward to getting to know you so we can share our stories and support each other.

...okay, perhaps that’s a little TOO succinct. I’ll share a few of the negative lowlights that have led to the empty shell that is [INSERT NAME], and we can go from there (assuming I haven’t yet alienated you):

• I grew up as (and still am) a societal outcast, with long-term ostracism, bullying and “Are you an alien?” queries since I was eight, when a peer tricked me into yelling out “F***!” in class. CONTEXT: I was testing my spelling skills by requesting words, and one student said, “Spell Eff-Yoo-Cee-Kay”, and I was surprised to hear a word I didn’t yet know, hence my elevated voice and subsequent time-out. Speaking of which...
• Misunderstandings and punishment from teachers made primary school (1996-2000) the worst years of my academia. I later learned I’m on the autism spectrum, but far too late in my formative years... thankfully, I started to leave my shell during secondary school, though a teacher in Year 12 saying I would amount to nothing (a comment I’d received from a different teacher in Year 7), followed soon after by a peer saying to my face that none of the other students actually likes me (I had only “school friends” for a decade and a quarter, and no long-term social network even now, as mentioned above and below), forced me right back in. Speaking of which...
• I’ve recently discovered I’m the scapegoat in my unsupportive family, which started the same year as I started high school, with my diagnosis being used as leverage against me by both parents, and my well-supported brother being abusive throughout puberty. My life is in service to my family’s, and reality forbid me from standing up for myself and my wellbeing without them sweeping over me like a tsunami...

In summary: I have no career, no support network, no finances, nowhere to go, nowhere to turn, no means of seeking long-term help and support without my family casting me aside... and no self-esteem. I now know my circumstances are not my doing, and that there’s nothing wrong with me despite what I’ve been taught, yet there is no escape. The family nest is a cage, preventing me from soaring. I just turned 17 for the seventeenth time in a row, and (to quote a relatable song) “all my hope is gone...”

And as for my name? I’ll insert it when I know...

[NobleAlarc32]

My family (to be specific, my parents) is most definitely a barrier, and in fact seems to be the sole, monolithic obstacle I need to clear before I stop degenerating and start to improve. The electricity thing is an unfortunate, painfully ironic reminder of said stranglehold: our house has been having electricity-based issues lately, with the main source of our recent power failures being located in my bedroom. As long as my power point remains switched off at all times, the other outlets in the house are spared, meaning I go without, as usual...

Also, for years now, the ceiling fan in my bedroom has malfunctioned: the median [“2”] setting is barely equivalent to the lowest [“1”], and the highest [“3”] setting spins far too rapidly, at least three times that of the median, and shakes violently, forcing me to keep it at a now-insufficient setting for an already debilitating subtropical climate.

And the cherry on the cake? My bedroom ceiling’s light globes tend to blow at a rate that far exceeds those of the rest of the house. The current one lasted far longer than others in recent memory, leading to a mini-complacency in which I forgot all about it. Last night, said bulb blew as I was getting ready to go to bed... my splintering, uncomfortable, sheets-unwashed-in-countless-months, could-collapse-at-any-moment, adjacent-to-airborne-particle-pocket, bed. No wonder I haven’t had a decent nights’ sleep in what feels like eons...

[NobleAlarc32]

This Christmas is especially stressful, and not entirely for the same reasons as the present norm. Over the past eighteen months, I’ve come to realise I’ve been supporting two people who are far less supportive of their eldest child than I’d even suspected in the three decades prior. Of all the times of year for me to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown... why does it have to be the festive season?

My father has become increasingly anti-humanitarian over the past five years, as he continues to lash out at the world and everyone in it as a means to blame something for the troubles he’s faced. His pre-existing “casually racist/chauvinist/hateful” tendencies continue to escalate, ranging from shocking, prejudicial comments about people from a given culture or who observe a given faith (not individuals, but whole cultural collectives); to making abusive, f-bomb fuelled, semi-hypocritical comments about others who don’t “obey the rules” (minor road infractions, brief lapse in social distancing protocols, etc.).

These comments are never to the faces of such “transgressors”, but no such “courtesies” are made with making them “in private”, in the company of his “nearest and dearest”, and he couldn’t care less about making such hurtful comments around us, even though he knows how gut-wrenching it is for me in particular to hear such slander. I keep an open mind about everyone and believe in others being given a fair go, no matter their background or history, and I see every other mind as equal and on the same ground, no matter how they appear. I don’t see such restrictive confines as creed, or faith, or even species... I simply see other minds. Beautiful, amazing, weird and wonderful souls, each deserving of respect, love, and support.

Dad’s anti-humanitarian slander is extremely hurtful, as I actively look for the good in others, yet I see less and less good in him with each passing day. My hope in escaping from this nightmare scenario is barely a flicker at the far recesses of my mind, in an eerie analogue to the bedroom in my parents’ rental unit I call my own. My mind is on the verge of collapse, and my usual coping mechanisms are being gradually taken piece by piece.

I’m so tired... so very tired... waiting for an escape that seems never to come... waiting to live as I continue to remain on pause... forced to endure abuse that is meant for others... please, universe, I’m no good to anyone here... please, just let me be...

[smallwolf]

Hi. I have read a fair bit of your story going backwards - small possiblity I missed a post! But from what I have read it sounds as though you do everything for your parents and put yourself last. I think you love your parents and want to make sure they are looked after but not at the expense of your mental health and everything else.

I am going to throw out some ideas to think about ...

My psychologist and I have talking about things like boundaries and rocking the boat, talking to family etc. Thing is... I am a people pleaser. That's good and bad. So to maintain my sanity (?) I had to put in place some boundaries for myself. The rocking the boat idea is related to being assertive, standing up for myself and see what happens! In talking using "I" when talking about the effects of others behaviours. I am still working on all of this.

I think you mentioned being in a toxic environment.

Do you think that relations could get better between you and your parents?

Have you talked to others about this and their reactions?

What do you think is best for you?

Somewhat rhetorical questions though I would be interested in your thoughts.

Peace, Tim

[NobleAlarc32]

I’ll address your queries individually:

Since beginning my journey of self-insight, I’ve been testing my perceived limitations bit by bit, including taking steps to be more assertive (though I still worry about unintentionally taking things too far), and it works far more often than I’d initially expected, though I still have a LONG way to go... 😅

Regarding my relationship with my parents, the only way it can stabilise is if I leave, with or without their help and support. After years of watching as Mum and Dad have helped my brother move no less than three times (with the fourth coming up very soon), travelling interstate to support him through his sports career, providing him with funds whenever and wherever he needs it... and years of threats from Mum if I so much as mention the idea of leaving the cage (“If you do this, you’re ON YOUR OWN!”), receiving minimal help from Dad every time I try to get into yet another failed hobby or lifestyle decision, being financially neglected and manipulated in more ways than can be mentioned here...

I feel like an orphan within my own family. A red-haired distant cousin. A monster. I’ve been supporting the wrong people for far too long, and I hate it. And now I’m trapped in every way possible. I’m not an adult... I’m still a teenager, forced to remain in a perpetual and unfair “our roof, our rules” policy. My physical health is starting to deteriorate as a result, and I’m facing the very real possibility of an anxiety breakdown after years of being “in the clear”... I’m still waiting for my proverbial “knight in shining armour” to come to my rescue, but I’ve given up on any possibility of their existence... 🥺

The fact that it took me so long to figure out my orientation (or, rather, my lack thereof) speaks volumes about my long-denied support network... social circle... whatever you’d call it. Red hair, fair skin, no friends... I’m a freaking stereotype. And I’ve lost the spark of life... my dreams are as boring and mundane as they come, which only makes me feel worse... 😭

[smallwolf]

Do you want to tell me about some of your failed hobbies?

Is it possible you tried it and found it was not to your liking?

Perhaps a little story... In my youth I listened to the wrong music and played with computers. In these years I also got my hair permed. It was a once off thing. Dad hit the roof. I didn't get it removed either.

Fast forward to now... I was speaking with someone about myself and told them the story about my perm. Of course there was a little laugh. But the person I was speaking to said that by keeping it I remained true to myself. There were some other positives she mentioned.

You might be a "different", not confirming but that's ok. You have a lot to give.

[Tay100]

Hi NobleAlarc32,

Living in these conditions must be frustrating, and we hear your pain. I wonder if there was an advocacy group you could reach out too? Like a support group perhaps run by a local council? They are often free or very cheap. It might be a good way to build up a base of support since you have said your family aren't giving you the attention and consideration you deserve right now. How would looking into something like that sound?

Tay100

[NobleAlarc32]

I’ve actually looked into a few outreach programmes, though in every case I need to be placed on a waiting list that is far too long to meet my personal needs for one reason or another. One such programme operates within my current city of residence, and I have already been placed on the waiting list, though I will most likely have moved interstate by then, and thus will need to restart the process, meaning an even longer wait before coming off the waiting list...

I’d applied for an interview with another, far more effective outreach programme with a significantly shorter waiting list, and after sharing my story in detail they had pre-approved me for a phone consultation later that week; however, said appointment needed to be conducted in absolute privacy, meaning I wasn’t allowed to do it in the same place as my parents, and was required to find someplace private (easier said than done, considering the circumstances), and I marked my calendar with the date and time, ready for my appointment. It was actually happening... I was going to be released from my cage!

Cue the day before my consultation, and as usual something went wrong: my appointment was cancelled because I had failed to respond to a text asking if I was still able to attend. Confused, I went through my messages, and sure enough there was a text sent earlier that week requesting a response. I was invited to book another appointment, but considering a) how difficult it was to book an appointment the first time; b) the fact that I’d screwed up AGAIN; and c) the fact that I’d screwed up trying to better my circumstances and gotten so close...

Needless to say, when one is rejected from a support agency of any kind due to actions (or lack thereof) that are essentially one’s own fault, it leaves one feeling discouraged from starting the whole process all over again, and becomes a trigger for the reasons why one sought such help in the first place. I tried to get help. I managed to somehow screw it up. Repeatedly. My circumstances are so far beyond my control that I may as well spend countless hours looking for and catching a shiny Chansey in the Safari Zone in Pokémon FireRed or LeafGreen.

Anyone who gets that analogy... well, it’s nice to see a fellow fan on these forums. And at least I can finish a negative crybaby rant on a positive-ish note, I guess...? 😅

[NobleAlarc32]

It’s pointless for me to specify or single out any of them as unique, as the story is always the same:

I am interested in [activity]. I ask Dad to help me [do activity]. If he agrees, [do activity].

Dad helps me get started with [activity], then leaves me in the lurch, not even mentioning it again. I am still required to reimburse Dad for his helping me with [activity], even if it never got anywhere.

If I bring it up later, Dad thinks of a variation of the same on-the-spot excuse he used to explain ditching me with [prior activity]. Some examples include:

• Seeking to get my first novel published after years of waiting, taking me to my initial appointment to discuss fees and the like, stating that he will help me get this thing published, then unceremoniously abandoning the idea and not mentioning it again (he also started proof-reading it, but stopped partway through, and has since read many novels by other authors, inventing “justified” excuses)

• Starting an open water dive course after decades of waiting, and agreeing to help with funding and gear, before ditching me after finding out the cost of initial investment and the instructors advising against secondhand/used dive gear, meaning I’ve only done a single Discover Scuba session; I also have a pair of unused fins I can’t use, which he said he would help me sell (three guesses how THAT turned out)

• Promising to buy me a toy I’d found from my favourite television series as a spur-of-the-moment gift, before suddenly going back on his word and singling out a selection of basic budget toys intended for preschoolers instead, yet still buying my brother the toy of his choice (I was seven at the time, and precocious enough to recognise it as wrong, unkind, and manipulative, which was confirmed by my mother’s less-than-impressed reaction... in retrospect that should’ve been the first obvious sign)

The cruellest part? Anything and everything my brother needs, he gets, no strings attached, no questions asked, and no expectation of immediate reimbursement. Flight tickets for travel to sports tournaments, training centres and gear warehouses, both within Australia and overseas; help with rental deposits, bill payments, tuition fees, vehicle maintenance, recreational activities, etc.; multiple cars since receiving his driver’s licence (not help with buying these cars, but paying the lion’s share of the requested prices)... and my parents wonder why I feel like an outsider even within this twisted family dynamic... 😭

[Tay100]

Hi NobleAlarc32

Sigh, it can be really hard when we try our best to reach out, and then things fall through before we know it or because of things we can't control or we miss something we were supposed to respond too. It can be really disheartening because as you say, as the process is hard and so is being vulnerable enough to try something new in the first place. I encourage you to try with that agency again if you feel up to it- maybe get them to call and text you this time? Or even email- that way all bases are covered. And did you find a place that is private for the interview too?

Tay100

[NobleAlarc32]

No... I don’t think that’s possible... it is too late... 🥺