[Constructive title pending...]

[NobleAlarc32]

I’ll try to keep this intro as brief as possible...

Hi! My name is [INSERT NAME], and I have virtually no self-esteem. I look forward to getting to know you so we can share our stories and support each other.

...okay, perhaps that’s a little TOO succinct. I’ll share a few of the negative lowlights that have led to the empty shell that is [INSERT NAME], and we can go from there (assuming I haven’t yet alienated you):

• I grew up as (and still am) a societal outcast, with long-term ostracism, bullying and “Are you an alien?” queries since I was eight, when a peer tricked me into yelling out “F***!” in class. CONTEXT: I was testing my spelling skills by requesting words, and one student said, “Spell Eff-Yoo-Cee-Kay”, and I was surprised to hear a word I didn’t yet know, hence my elevated voice and subsequent time-out. Speaking of which...
• Misunderstandings and punishment from teachers made primary school (1996-2000) the worst years of my academia. I later learned I’m on the autism spectrum, but far too late in my formative years... thankfully, I started to leave my shell during secondary school, though a teacher in Year 12 saying I would amount to nothing (a comment I’d received from a different teacher in Year 7), followed soon after by a peer saying to my face that none of the other students actually likes me (I had only “school friends” for a decade and a quarter, and no long-term social network even now, as mentioned above and below), forced me right back in. Speaking of which...
• I’ve recently discovered I’m the scapegoat in my unsupportive family, which started the same year as I started high school, with my diagnosis being used as leverage against me by both parents, and my well-supported brother being abusive throughout puberty. My life is in service to my family’s, and reality forbid me from standing up for myself and my wellbeing without them sweeping over me like a tsunami...

In summary: I have no career, no support network, no finances, nowhere to go, nowhere to turn, no means of seeking long-term help and support without my family casting me aside... and no self-esteem. I now know my circumstances are not my doing, and that there’s nothing wrong with me despite what I’ve been taught, yet there is no escape. The family nest is a cage, preventing me from soaring. I just turned 17 for the seventeenth time in a row, and (to quote a relatable song) “all my hope is gone...”

And as for my name? I’ll insert it when I know...

[Tay100]

Hi NobleAlarc32

Welcome to the forums, it sounds like you have a lot going on, and are in a tough headspace. I'm sorry to hear your family aren't supportive of you as you deserve, and that they don't seem open to the idea of you seeking help. If they aren't open to communicating with you about this and you've done all you can there, I suggest you still seek the help you deserve, perhaps in a private manner. You can reach structured help here; The Beyond Blue Support Service provides advice and support via telephone 24/7 (just call 1300 22 4636), daily web chat (between 3pm–12am) and email (with a response provided within 24 hours). Feel free to keep chatting in this thread as well, we are here to listen to how you are travelling.

Tay100.

[NobleAlarc32]

Hi, Tay100, and thank you for your kind suggestion.

I should mention that I’ve already tried seeking support via those means (well, live chat, at least; phone support with anyone is impossible at “home” for obvious reasons; and email support is problematic for other, though not dissimilar reasons), but the best that can be done is to redirect me to various other support services, with each attempt either looping me through the same support channels or shifting me right back to square one.

I know the only way I can start to recover is to remove myself and/or be removed from what is a personally toxic family dynamic, but there is always an excuse for my parents to keep me locked away. My spirit is broken, and my body and mind are starting to follow suit. Right now I feel utterly hopeless, as the closest adnoun to my current state of being is “despair”. The potential is there for me to thrive, but the spark dwindled long ago, and is all but extinguished in light of my recent epiphany.

I’m so used to rejection that it’s all that ever seems possible, and despite my mindset of “not yet an adult”, I am well beyond the point during which those lifelong social connections naturally form (approximately 25 years of age, give-or-take). And the few occasions in which anyone has taken notice of my aspirations has led to the same result: quartahedri ad-unum (lit. “square one” in the custom language of my works of fiction).

It may sound like a cheesy pun, but I am literally “beyond blue”, at least in terms of the societal perception of colours assigned to moods. In a few of my fictional settings, blue symbolises, amongst other things, “creativity”, and as I identify as a blue wavelength in that context, it pretty much fits me into the “lonely artist” archetype.

[james1]

Hello NobleAlarc32,

Welcome and I am happy to meet you. I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you've faced growing up and continue to face now - it sounds really tough and I really hope we can help you here.

I understand you've felt a little bit like you're doing the rounds with the various support services - perhaps you've not been able to connect with the right people or it's not quite what you're looking for. From what you've said, it sounds like you feel really removed from society and from everyone else, and I can understand that some of the support services can feel even more alienating or just otherwise unhelpful, when you are feeling so hopeless and trapped.

I'd like to keep talking to you here, but I also wanted to make a brief suggestion about visiting the social zone of these forums. I find that, often, 'professional help' is of no use if I'm not really in a position to be receptive. Instead, a tiny bit of social interaction can really help give me some sense of hope or at least energy, even if that interaction is as simple as saying hello to a barista or someone at the checkout. I like to think that our social zone here can fulfil the same purpose with its little game-y threads.

What do you think?

James

[NobleAlarc32]

Hello, james1. I’m happy to meet you too.

The funny thing with my mood lately is that I’ve been experiencing moments - brief, wonderful moments - during which I have the clarity and insight to speak up for myself, to share my innermost thoughts and feelings, and (perhaps most importantly) to see myself as a separate being, with the same rights as everyone else, and not as a mere extension or “limb” of my family. Those moments, however, rarely last, and always finish once I am reminded of the futility of my current, increasingly volatile circumstances.

Take yesterday as an example: I woke up feeling worse than I had the night before, something which Dad noticed. I went out, and as often happens when I’m as far away from the cage as possible, the clarity and positive inner voice kicked in, leaving me feeling happy and something akin to self-confident. On my way home, I sorted out a mix-up with my dinner order yesterday, which itself was mixed-up and needed to be corrected, leaving me with a spare meal. I offered it to my father, and he accepted. This was [INSERT NAME] being a “good boy”.

Then, my father made a comment about how I was glum that morning, and I shared my feelings. I explained why I was upset, and as usual I took it too far when I accidentally began to let slip about my long-shelved dreams and ongoing scapegoat complex, and the result was to be expected: verbally abusive retaliation. Dad, voice elevated, swung it around to make it my fault, and spontaneously generated a list of “reasons” as to why he has been unsupportive, and that he will eventually help me.

Then, my selectively sympathetic mother chimed in and blamed me for Dad’s outburst, despite his opening the floodgates of my innermost thoughts and feelings, before giving me the “nippy elbow” (milder version of the classic cold shoulder; responsive, yet obviously ticked-off) as usual. [INSERT NAME] expressing his honest, heart-of-heart emotions? “Bad boy”. A rebel without support.

Right now, I’m conflicted. I have the willingness and drive to leave, but my finances are in shreds (not entirely my fault), my support network is immaterial (definitely not my fault), and every attempt I make to support myself leads right back to square one (I’d rather reach a triangle, as it’d be far more geometrically stable).

Using the limb analogy, I now see myself as vestigial, and what happens when a vestigial appendage becomes unhealthy? Imbalance. The sooner I escape, the better my family and I will be.

[Tay100]

Hi NobleAlarc32

I see; I guess it's important not to put to much pressure on yourself to seek services then, if it's hard to access at home/in close proximity to your family. Perhaps to build some resilience whilst you are with them, you could access some self-help books? And definitely keep chatting on the forums as well. People brainstorm excellent coping mechanisms for similar situations all the time. In fact, this thread may be useful, see how you find it; https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/treatments-health-professionals-and-therapie...

Tay100

[NobleAlarc32]

Honestly, at this point any barriers and defences I have are failing one-by-one. Scapegoats are usually the most strongly-minded members of the family, but even the tallest of mountains is no match for even a trickling stream if it flows through for long enough.

Here’s another analogy: What happens to a river when its banks weaken? If said banks are sturdy, the river flows freely, undisturbed, uninterrupted, and perhaps beautiful to observe, as with many things of the natural world. Tamper with the soil and vegetation on either or both sides too much, too often, and... well, you get the idea. Banks burst, river deluges, messes happen... not a fun time for anyone, least of all the river.

Water is calm, water is patient, but like any other force of nature, water is strong. Those who mistake the river as fair and forgiving, tranquil and peaceful at all times, may discover that there is always a waterfall up ahead, cascading into a steep descent. If things somehow work out, streaks of colour fill the spray as they refract through the tiny droplets, a reminder that water can be beautiful, even if its now-obvious, distress-fuelled reaction says otherwise.

My personal banks are ready to burst. I’ve been poked and prodded, uprooted on more than one occasion, left to flow freely along my assigned course, before my banks are trampled yet again. The Ancient Greek letter Delta symbolises transition, change, metamorphosis, and it is the term used to describe the point at which the river meets, and flows into, the sea. A narrow, directional flow of water transitions into a wider, deeper and freer form.

That is the point I’ve reached: my Delta. My metamorphosis. I’m so close to the transition I need, but without the support I need, the banks are fit to burst before I even reach that widening triangle into the infinite spans of the oceans. Once a riverbank starts to crumble there is almost no way to fully repair the damage before the waters start to spill, at which point no sandbag can prevent the deluge.

I’ve tried for months to get my life on track (alone), but 2020 has been a torrent of a year, and the banks are starting to break. When even support agencies have waiting lists or are forced to turn you away... well, the sting of my tears is painful enough, and perhaps a far more accurate analogy. One of my streams reaches the point of my chin, while the other becomes trapped on my cheek, interrupted.

My life has become a waking nightmare... oops, wrong analogy.

[NobleAlarc32]

I apologise for the long-winded, unclear reply. I guess I should simplify: no method of coping or self-assurance will work from this point onward. I am in an environment and lifestyle that is unquestionably the source of my current state of being, and as this stranglehold continues to tighten, it has become increasingly difficult to find any positive.

And I’m not joking about the stranglehold, either. Over the past however many years, I have missed out on and lost so much, the most recent of which is no electricity in the closest thing to my own space: my bedroom, aka “solitary without parole”, “literal physical purgatory”, “eternal waking nightmare”, etc.

Between my father using me as a financial resource, leading to a destroyed credit rating; my mother asking me to run errands for her, then verbally exploding because of one tiny, inconsequential “mistake” that defies her perfect vision; and so many people just staring at me, avoiding me, mocking me, etc., simply because I wander this world alone... I’ve given up on ever being free from this very personal torment.

I’m done. I exist, but it’s all I’ve ever been permitted to do. The hardships I’ve faced have left WAY too much damage to be fixed overnight, short of a sudden, positive moment that gets me out of the family cage and on the road to recovery, and actually LIVING. Those brief moments when I am actually able to go out, cash in hand, free from any immediate obligation or commitment to my family... those are the brief, ever-dwindling moments during which I feel alive, free, happy. And they, too, are a form of torture: just as I feel something akin to “things going my way”... SPLAT! “screw u lol” to the face.

I press onward, but I only ever expect the worst to occur. Despair is... well, it sucks. I miss hope. I miss dignity, support, validation, blah blah blah, yada yada... I need to escape, and soon. I’m sick of taking the blame for the actions of others and believing myself responsible. This needs to stop, and I need to heal. Otherwise... I may never sufficiently recover. Age is, after all, more ravaging and restrictive than any worldly ailment, and I’m well past my prime.

I’ve missed out on so much, and I continue to lose basic rights as an adult, AND as a human. I’m even losing sleep due in part to ever-restricted TV privileges. I’m wasting away to nothing, but no-one cares enough to help me...

If a spirit breaks in a room in the rear end of a cage, does it make a whimper?

[Tay100]

Hi NobleAlarc32

My goodness, thank you for continuing to share your story, and for your bravery. Being vulnerable and elaborating on your pain or circumstance is never easy- it takes time, labour, and introspection. And whilst articulating and addressing our problems or where we are "at" in life can be cathartic in and of itself, those problems still remain and are existence is still as it was. But voicing things can lay a foundation for hope, growth and change. Has voicing this provided you with some clarity as to what barriers prevent you from receiving help? You mention your family, for example, amongst other things. Even if these barriers seem insurmountable right now, recognising them for what they are takes skill, I think.

The electricity thing in your bedroom, must be frustrating- has the power come back on now?

Feel free to continue to use this thread to have your voice be heard.

Tay100

[james1]

Hi NobleAlarc32,

So sorry about my delayed reply. Christmas can be a tough time of the year for me and I needed to take some time to myself. But I am glad that you've been able to keep writing here.

I can see that you feel like the circumstances you are in, living at home with your parents, is really problematic and you don't feel like you can get out of this stranglehold while you're still at home. I certainly can't claim to know, but it sounds like you might be on the right track with that. It can be really hard to create a shift in our long term mental state, when our day to day lives are just so fraught. It can feel a lot like you're constantly trying to catch up to a good place, but only catching brief glimpses of it. Still, if we don't have the means to change our day to day lives, I hope doing something like this and posting about your life can make it more bearable, even if temporarily.

You asked if a spirit breaks in the rear of a cage, does it whimper? I don't know, but I can certainly hear you loud and clear here.

James