Confused 😐

[Panda36]

Hi, I’m new and not really sure how this works but a friend suggested I give it a go.

I need a little bit of advice.. I have been married for 7 years and I found out in October last year that my husband had had a year long affair. To say I was devastated would be mild. I had always said to him that if he ever cheated then we would be done BUT we have a 4 year old daughter and I thought we should stay together and work things out. We decided to move from one side of Australia to the other. I think I panicked and wanted to get as far away as I possible could but now I am regretting my decision. I am absolutely miserable here. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I feel so entrenched in my own head that I don’t know what to do. I need advice, something, anything. I really want to take my daughter and go back home and seperate for a while but I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. He said he was sorry and would do anything to make it up to me and our child but the moment we moved he has reverted back to his old ways and I’m not allowed to bring up the affair or talk about being home sick!

Help, please?

[Guest_829]

Misery is a terrible thing, and because your so miserable where you are it might be a good idea for you to go back to where you were with daughter for a short visit maybe.some things might make more sense, and you might need time to rethink some stuff.you have to look after yourself, its horrible being sad and miserable and feeling like that.hope things start looking up for you and your family.goodluck

[Panda36]

Thank you for your advice. I have tried to talk to him about this and now he is threatening to go to the courts to put an order in place that I won’t be able to take my daughter out of the state! Now I feel like I’m stuck.

[therising]

Hi Panda36

I wish I was with you so I could give you the biggest most supportive hug! I'm hoping my embrace is felt through the caring words I offer.

I suppose the first thing to address involves friends and family back home. Are there any who you can talk to, to get positive support and advice from, emotional and legal (if need be)? It's important when experiencing mental health issues especially, to occasionally have a 'surrogate mind' to help with certain decisions/directions. Relying to some degree on an optimistic motivated mind (found in a support person) can make all the difference. Professional support in this sense is also worth considering.

Sounds like what your husband is doing is 'managing' the situation he currently finds himself in. It is possible for you to do the same as long as you have plans in place. By the way, when my kids are stressed, my advice to them is 'Don't ask "What am I going to do?!" instead ask "How am I going to manage this?"' I know this sounds all too simple but simplifying as much as possible can help make some difference.

In regard to your husband not wanting to discuss the affair and your homesickness, not sure whether he simply has avoidance or communication issues or if he's an egotistical controlling sort with little regard for your mental well-being. If it's an avoidance/communication thing, perhaps it's worth contemplating marriage counselling, especially seeing he's told you he'd do anything to make things up to you. If it's the latter, I personally would give consideration to heading back home if you are legally able to (with your child). One way or another, it can't hurt to begin putting plans in place to resolve things one way or another.

Regarding the affair, some people feel an incredible sense of shame after having an affair. Bringing up the affair can feel like poking at this wound of shame. They can become defensive and guarded when it comes to speaking of the affair. What is important for these folk to realise is forgiveness is something they must work through, for the sake of their partner and their relationship. Forgiveness (moving forward through giving the opportunity for release) so their partner can work through and beyond the pain is what helps heal the relationship. If he/she who has had an affair does not provide opportunity for healing, then the self-serving attitude continues beyond the affair.

Beginning to heal within or beyond the relationship becomes your goal to manage.

Take care Panda