Comfortable embracing the grey

[Guest_87225209]

My father left when i was 18 months old, i never missed him, how could i, he was never.there, he didnt leave a gap, was how i saw it .  My mother never remarried or had another partner , My mother had mental health issues, bi-polar,manic depression and schizophrenia to name a few. She would eventually end up spending alot of time at Greylands and Heathcote. As a child i was physically abused  [beaten , poisoned ]mentally damaged[i took many months for the authorities to became aware of mother, and for those months it was terrifying,] and sexuallly abused by mother. Years later im a ward of the state.  Growing up i felt worthless, unwanted and abandoned. Years pass and im a single dad,with 100 percent custody. My son gave me purpose,. Then at the age of 17 he just left. For nearlly 5 months ihad no word from him,i was devastated, in a house surrounded by memories, photos clothes bedroom etc. And once again i felt abandoned.and nearlly 5 years later i no longer have a relationship with him,. I was depressed, i embraced the grey. I no longer have nt sensed joy since . I have repeatedly seen a psychologist, i speak with friends,.. Everyday there are triggers, as i haave early childhood PTSD. And i question myself,, why am i putting.myself through this pain. I didnt like my childhood, and now i dont sense joy in this world, and im left feeling exactly as i did growing up Abandoned and Worthless 

[Croix]

Dear New Member

Welcome here, I hope that you can gain somthing hopeful from it you did not expect. 

Yes, Life has handed you the hardest of times. You have been  either abandoned or abused by those that should be close to you, and being a ward simply makes it worse. Yu reach the maximum age and are dumped.

It is very easy -and most people do - have a sense of worthlessness when abandoned or abused. I guess it is an undesirable but very human trait and hard to defeat. Sometimes a psych or good friends can lessen this, sometimes one has to realise it is others that have done this , injured you, and left you alone unsupported.

Although I have PTSD too and was abandoned by my family I was lucky, and had somewhere  else to go, not the state. I'm in  much better position now though it took time meds, therapy and support. 

I guess the are two things I'd suggest straight away, the first is to realise the world is huge, not confined to your past experiences, but bordering on the unimaginable. I have mental  retreat I call up at times involving standing on a mountainside looking at a vista of sea. It helps me realise there are so many other things out there - not all bad.

The other is to ask you if there is anything at all you enjoy, or even just distracts you from the grey of your present life -even for a moment. That can be used. I'm fortunate and over time have a list of things, from books to movies to going for a walk in nature. You no doubt will have different tastes.

I reserve a while each evening to use one of these , it give me something to look forward to each day -a little self reward.

I found isolation and too many physical reminders were bad for me, so I do try to talk with  friends, and while I do keep some tokens of remembering, I do not surround myself, instead substituting new things. I enjoy op-shops and can sometimes find something that wil fit well in my home.

Having worth is how you view it. You have the tenacity and love to bring up a child by yourself, and vast experiences of many horrible things. That can be of great value to others, simply being able to talk with you when you have had a similar experience can be a comfort and a guide. 

I think that's enough for one post, I hope we talk some more

Croix