Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

[Blue_Wombat]

Hello....please bear with me...I am new to this.

Briefly, I am a married mum with an adult daughter (35) who lives in the UK. Her Dad and I emigrated to Australia 12 years ago and she was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, PTSD and possible BPD 8 years ago. Since then we have found it increasingly difficult to communicate with her as she is reluctant to Skype or phone, so we rely on sporadic email.

We used to have a close and open relationship but she has become quite passive aggressive over the years and we find it harder to cope given we are not mind readers and are kept at arms length. She is married (her husband also has mental health issues) and she has been unemployed since diagnosis. She receives therapy (CBT) is taking medication and has a support CPN.

Since her diagnosis she has largely kept us in the dark. We have supported her/them both financially and emotionally as best we could given the distance, time constraints and lack of communication. She does share information about her therapy but she is guarded about revealing certain aspects and obviously feels a great deal of shame for what she believes to be her own failings in life.

Her Dad and I have always been approachable and tried to understand and be there for her....she knows that, but recently she has pushed us further away, if that can be possible? We have our own health issues. My own are insignificant in comparison, but her Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer and diabetes 2 years ago, two weeks before Xmas.

Christmas is a particularly painful time for us. He had surgery and then chemo for six months thereafter, but earlier this year we found out his cancer has metastasised and is inoperable. The prognosis isn't good, so we are taking each day as it comes and trying to be as positive as we can.

Of course, all this is hard enough to cope with but we have no family or friends here for support. I am finding it all a bit overwhelming, which is why I am reaching out. We have a good GP....he knows I am anxious and depressed, but I am reluctant to take medication as I am receiving treatment for my chronic autoimmune liver disorder.

I have to be strong to support not only my husband but also my daughter, who seems to be oblivious to how difficult things are for us, when we should really be relaxing and enjoying our remaining time together. I am sorry if this sounds self absorbed, but I feel so sad and weak. All I need is a hug and call to say 'It'll be alright Mum'.....

Blue Wombat

[smallwolf]

Hi Blue Wombat and welcome to beyond blue. This must be a frustrating and lonely time for you? Made worse by the lack of contact from your daughter. This has also been a pretty crappy year - I know of someone else's daughter who lives in the UK and is struggling because of the covid situation. I know that is small consolation when all you want is some contact.

There are pages on the beyond blue website about supporting someone and looking after yourself. It is important that you can find some time to do things for yourself.

Just on your daughter... It could also be a case she does not want you to worry more than you are. At least that is the case with my mum.

What are some of the things you do during the week? Can you talk to your neighbour? All I know is that when I feel low it is as though nobody cares, when there are people that do.

Peace and comforting thought to you

Tim

[Blue_Wombat]

Hello Tim....many thanks for your response. I think the disconnect with our daughter is upsetting me because she knows how I worry. When we last visited two years ago I was in tears pleading with her to pick up the phone, even if it was just to say, 'I'm okay Mum'.

I send her uplifting emails but it's hard to know if she is up or down, especially if she doesn't reply, often sometimes for a week or two. I don't want to get on her case, but even though she's an adult she will always be our daughter and we do worry about her for obvious reasons.

As for her Dad, we accept what will be will be, and we will make the most of and cherish what ever time we have left together. I just wish she would call so we could talk. It's particularly hurtful when she knows how her Dad's prognosis.

Most of our time here is spent attending hospital appointments. Four out of five days every other week at the hospital. We are home birds. We do have neighbours but they are what we call 'fair weather friends'. Okay for a chat in the lift, but they keep themselves to themselves.

Some do know that my other half is battling cancer but it's almost like they don't want to know...which is sad. We are always friendly and chatty but there isn't a friendly community here.

To be honest, we aren't so much lonely or depressed with each other's company, we've been together 38 years....and don't crave other peoples company, it's just that I wish our daughter was less abrasive and self absorbed....and yes, a little kinder. I do understand that's a symptom of the disorder, so I accept it, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Even my brother and sister in the UK are 'distant' too, so maybe it's in our genes, or it's a sign of the times? It doesn't stop me caring though.

Blue Wombat

[Croix]

Dear Blue Wombat

Being with someone for 38 years is a blessing , and comes with it affection and when needed reassurance. It is love and it goes in both directions.

I guess in your shoes I’d be looking for that reassurance and affection from your daughter and be pretty well heartbroken and greatly worried these do not seem to be returned – through no fault of your own.

Judging people by normal standards when they have one or more mental health conditions can be inappropriate, as an example if someone is suffering great depression and stays in bed all day it is not laziness but inability.

As someone who has had PTSD and depression (but not bipolar though that can have many similarities) the ability to talk with others shrinks. One wishes to simply left alone and can react with anger and resentment if disturbed. I’ve often wondered why after all being asked if I’m OK, or offered a cuppa II get angry, after all it is a measure of that person’s concern, not a threat.

The conclusion I came to was my mind was already 100% full of the thoughts and fears generated by the illness and simply had no room left to interact with others, basically I felt I could not cope with more.

I found that discussions involving my condition were a pressure, and made me withdraw. I also felt that they could never understand never having faced it themselves.

I cannot say for certain these are the reasons you do not hear more from your daughter, however logic is probably not going to bear fruit. Perhaps if you were to talk of more pleasant things that did not involved illness or the grim matters in the future.

I’ve filled up emails with talk of my animals, or movies, or similar, just to provide an element of lightness so the receipt of your letters or emails are not regarded with trepidation or anger, but with a looking forward to as something peasant.

Forgive me if you are already doing this, however again in your shoes I would have put in the state of her father, or your love worry and concern.

Perhaps it is time to try to reopen links with your brother and sister too, what do you think?

Croix

[smallwolf]

I don't know why, but distance somehow makes conversations slower. My parents would only be a 1000 miles away and we might not talk for 2 months. In the same place and we talk weekly. I can also remember the time we wrote letters. Things are both faster and "slower" with technology.

With things like WhatsApp, FaceTime, Skype etc. communication is much easier. As Croix said... Perhaps chat with your brother and sister? Not sure how often you talk with them... Or what you talk about. Do they know what you are going through? These can be moments that deepen relationships? Well, I hope they are the sort of person who listen and can respond appropriately. Might not be the same as speaking with your daughter....

Tim

[Blue_Wombat]

Hello Croix,

Many thanks for your thoughts. I do usually try and keep my emails to my daughter light and breezy....and witty, often waffling on about the minutae of life and always ask how things are; if there's any thing we can do to help; how the latest meds and therapy are going etc. but often I get no reply. It is very frustrating and bewildering given the circumstances, although I accept being bipolar is probably at the root of it all.

I have even got the blame for 'pushing her into an episode' because I've sent a well meaning article I've read about bipolar disorder. I do feel like I'm treading on eggshells half the time.

I know she has self-harmed in the past and in the early stages of her diagnosis I know she didn't enlighten us on the seriousness of her condition. I would be more than happy to just 'keep it light', but more often than not am left wondering what things are like at home, because I know she is struggling. I feel powerless to help.

As for my brother and sister. Perhaps I was a little unfair. I do get regular emails from my brother, who delights in getting my very chatty emails, but does not want to know much about our lives (or our daughter) other than to report on the daily humdrum of Covid lockdown.

My sister is a Nurse, but surprisingly we have never had what I would call a close sisterly relationship...she is much younger than I am. Again, I have always made the running when it comes to communicating. Perhaps I am too needy? I am often sad at this time of year as I envy those who have caring families who rally round and travel far and wide to keep the home fires burning.

I don't judge anyone for not wanting to communicate....I just think it's a bit odd, but maybe it's because families are now fragmented and not as close as they used to be? It is hard to keep things going when we are at the other side of the world, I understand that.

I used to think 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', but realise now it's more like'Out of sight, out of mind'. Am I expecting too much? I guess I must be. While my husband and I are together 24/7 we are a strong unit, even with this prognosis, but the thought of losing him and being left alone with no family and friends to support me, fills me with dread.

All I ever wanted was to be a good wife, mum and sister....but I feel I've lost something along the way. It is hard though to keep strong when you feel so weak, but I'll keep going.

Blue Wombat

[Blue_Wombat]

Thanks Tim,

I do keep the lines of communication open, more with my brother than my sister, who only tends to send birthday and Christmas greetings. More often than not I send newsy emails in an effort to keep the dialogue going but am left waiting for months on end for a response.

See my response to Croix. It's not for the want of trying. To be honest, I am at a loss to wonder why people can't be bothered anymore? As you say, it's easy to Skype or email.
I know when we moved to the States when my Mum was alive I used to rack up a hefty telephone bill calling her a couple of times a week, just to see if she was okay?

I have mentioned the difficulties we are having communicating with our daughter and touched the subject of mental illness and how we worry but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I can't tell you how this lack of support impacts ones self esteem. It's like pushing an elephant uphill. I appreciate your input and the comments from Croix too.

Thanks to both of you.

Blue Wombat

[Croix]

Dear Blue Wombat~

I understand al you are saying and for some absences does make the heart grow fonder, but for many out of sight is less trouble, even if affection is still there. with oyur brother I can very much sympathize with his predicament if in lock-down in the UK.

Um, how to explain the next bit. It may be hard to understand. If someone had sent me an article, learned or otherwise, upbeat or not, on PSTD, anxiety or depression -I would be angry and put out, Thinking it was trivializing my condition or giving unasked for (and probably off-target) advice.

The same applies on how the latest meds are going.

Bear in mind to I did not have BPD either, which can generate it's own set of reactions.

Now I know that reaction would have been completely irrational and if I had had any sense would have read the article to see if htere was anything of merit in it. But back then the illness dictated my thoghts and actions.

I honestly do not think my behavior at the time indicated a lack of love and affection, simply suppressed it. It came back as I improved. My wife bore the brunt of this and I think the fact here mum was there to provide emotional and practical support helped her immensely.

Looking to yourself I would think now is the time for you to look outside the wonderful relationship you have had wiht your partner and see what else there is in the world for you. My first wife died in her forties after a long and predictable illness. I spent an awful lot of time wiht her, but also joined a group of acquaintances who became freinds and played cards or dungeons and dragons or similar every week. It helped keep me going after my partner passed away.

I'm not suggesting those pastimes for you, but the idea for seeing ore people might help tide you though the heartbreak and loss and leave you not entirely alone.

Actually that is why I suggested ties with your brother and sister, however now you have explained perhaps you need to look elsewhere. Perhaps your husband might have suggestion or two.

You are a strong and determined person with intelligence and a lot of love. You will weather these storms.

And of course you are always welcome here

Croix

[Blue_Wombat]

Thank you Croix,

With respect, I sent the article in good faith hoping that it would inspire her as it was very positive and was meant to give her hope and reassure her that all was not lost. Perhaps I was naïve in thinking it might help? That's the trouble with this awful situation. How can I help if I'm unaware of what is going on, both with her mental health and with her day to day living? She was (and is) clearly struggling, heavily in debt, self-harming and not getting the treatment she needed due to an oversubscribed and under-funded mental health system. I don't know what else I was supposed to do?

Anyway, thank you for your input but I don't need to be admonished for trying to do the right thing by my daughter. I feel badly enough as it is, without feeling more clumsy and guilty about trying to help her, however misguided my attempts are at supporting her.

I appreciate your suggestions about getting out and about, but for now my focus is staying here with my husband and supporting him as best I can. As you can see, I am finding it difficult to keep all my plates spinning at once, but I'm doing my best.

Blue Wombat

[Croix]

Dear Blue Wombat~

Admonishment was not my intention, far from it, and my apologies as you felt it was. I guess I'm clumsy sometimes.

Croix