Being me

[Emotions26]

 I cannot work out how to see all of the discussions

How can I read all responses?

Confused and lost before coming here

Who do I ask and how for help?

The above was written last night - day 2 of joining BB

I have responded to several posters and received some lovely replies.

I have also responded to a post written by a member a while back expressing confusion about new set up here.

Now I feel that I might have intruded upon that person's personal space.

So I went searching.

Somewhere found the suggestion start with introduce yourself - have no idea now where that is - no matter - I am here now

Then I thought.

I will start a thread or post or page myself.

Possibly nobody will reply and it will sit and collect dust.

If I don't try, I will never know.

So I have come to this place BB to extend my practising being me which I have commenced in real life.

Not an easy exercise and most people who know me are not particularly enthralled with the emerging of the new me - no surprise really as I have spent far too long listening to everyone else's egotistical chatter.

I found by chance, yes, a thread or passage by someone writing about an analogy of their life being a performance on stage.

I wanted to reply as the words intrigued me and I would love to be able to converse with that person.

I too am extremely  deep.

Well, I could not work out how the page seemed different again!

So being me is proving to be as difficult an exercise in the virtual world as it is in the real world.

Any thoughts.

Should anyone find this; read this and want to continue the conversation.

It would be nice to hear from members who are replying because they want to as much as support from champions and other titles is appreciated.

Thank you if you have read this far.

[Emotions26]

Being me ....hmm

I am at a loss for words

I did not even manage one reply

I often will respond to someone whom I see has not received a response.

So I can write to myself.

That is no different to me talking to myself which I do constantly.

Ems

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ems,

Lucky me found you today. I opened my browser window to 'All Conversations', just a few hours after you had posted, so your thread was listed there among the five most recently posted to threads.

Not so lucky I didn't find you'd written here 3 weeks ago. I would have replied to you then.

I tend not to read back over my writing so much, except to edit & tidy it up. Because I don't remember much of what I said to anyone these days, I have to look back just to remind me of what was said. 

Talking here is a very long-distance tennis game.

Sometimes it can help to see where we have been compared to where we are now. & sometimes it's not helpful if it seems we are back to where we began after years of making considerable efforts to help ourselves, to learn all these strategies for becoming more mentally well - maybe more mentally well than we've ever been. & it feels like you are in a marathon, with stormy weather to contend with.

I understand the kind of loneliness this creates.

I have felt all my protective & defensive structures fall down, only to realise I'd built them on unstable foundations. There was no going back for me.

I've had to learn new things, new ways to keep myself safe, new stuff about my right to make boundaries which others must respect. I had to learn not to give in because someone else decided for me what I ought to want.

I note you have kept up communications with amd1953. It seems to me the connection between the two of you is important to you both, so I stepped away, thinking that is a space for you, to talk to someone. Not like talking to yourself, which is like talking to an empty room, with only echoes of your own words to be heard.

You could be endlessly going round in circles doing that.

I don't write to myself so much anymore for that reason.

I have found it is better to have someone who does not judge, but who asks questions to keep the conversation from getting stuck in one place, someone who has never imposed views & opinions upon me, but who helps me explore what it is I'm thinking & feeling.

My deep worry is that I will not find someone other than my current psychiatrist who will sit with me & give me the space to turn my thoughts & feelings into actual spoken words & allow me to experience that I am going to be safe when I open up.

Huugzies,

mmMekitty